Jake: Hey there, Captain. Oh, is this your new assistant?
John Urblan: John Urblan. Nice to meet ya.
Captain Holt: And John Urblan has just been fired.
Jake: What?
John Urblan: I have?
Captain Holt: Meet "ya"? You just abbreviated a one-syllable word.
John Urblan: Is this for real?
Captain Holt: Yes. Now clean out your "des." I removed the K so you'd understand how absurd "ya" sound.
Jake: Oh, boy. Sorry, John Urblan. Bye.

Dr. Oliver Cox: So in conclusion: the burns on Zumowski's body are consistent with a massive vehicle fire.
Captain Holt: If this even is his body.
Dr. Oliver Cox: Excuse me?
Captain Holt: We're talking about the Disco Strangler a serial killer, who for six years stayed one step ahead of the entire NYPD.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not sure he had many steps left in him, sir. Take a look.
Charles: Aw. He looks fragile and sweet.
Captain Holt: Sweet as poison pie.

Captain Holt: Detectives.
Jake: Ah! Captain. Did you come down here to take a look at the two best detectives you've ever worked with in action?
Captain Holt: The two best detectives I've ever worked with are Montez and Dillman.
Jake: Oh. You never mentioned them before.
Captain Holt: They were excellent.

Rosa: Damn, sir, you took that Charbonnay to the house. How you feeling?
Captain Holt: Let me take stock. My equilibrium is askew, my vision is partially impaired, and I'm clearly slurring my words. To put a fine point on it, your boy is turnt.

Captain Holt: When I heard that, I was shaken to my core. I thought this bar was beneath me, but what was actually beneath me was my own behavior. I had turned my back on-
Charles: Holt! We do not have time for this. Just drinky, drinky!
Captain Holt: Hank, bring me a Charbonnay.

Amy: Guys, there's no way we can win. There's nine of them and six of us.
Captain Holt: Five of you. I'm going home. Although perhaps I'll stop at Bel Vino on the way, have a glass of Sancerre. Might even try the quince paste if I'm feeling naughty.

Amy: But this is our bar, and it has been forever.
Captain Holt: Change is a good thing.
Rosa: Just yesterday, you were ranting about the Philharmonic adding a second piccolo.
Captain Holt: It's too many! It'll muddle the sound!
Rosa: I'm sorry I brought it up.

Scully: Hey, guys, they're about to play the new mystery sound.
Captain Holt: I can tell Kevin tomorrow.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'll bet Sharon's already asleep.
Hitchcock: And I've got no one in my life.
Captain Holt: Scully, play that damn noise.

Charles: So, Maxwell, what was your childhood like?
Sergeant Jeffords: I was a lookout at 8, had my own corner at 10, trigger man at 13. You know what it's like to look a man in his eyes as the life drains out of him?
Captain Holt: I was bad from a young age. At school, I pushed people. And this wasn't horseplay. This was pushing to hurt.
Charles: Do you have a girlfriend at home?
Sergeant Jeffords: Used to. She got tired of me getting locked up. She's with my brother now. He better hope I never find his ass.
Captain Holt: I do, and you should see her heavy, feminine breasts, with their perfectly placed nipples. Don't get me started on her can.
Charles: What's your greatest fear?
Sergeant Jeffords: I ain't scared of nothing.
Captain Holt: My girlfriend. I'm scared she'll find out about my mistress, who also has a perfect can. It's smaller, but it's harder.

Captain Holt: Or I could do it.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? You hate theater. You always say acting is just professional lying.
Captain Holt: Yes, but this is what the mission calls for, and I'm good at it.
Kevin and I went to a dinner party where we played the French parlor game "charades." I had to act out Elvis Presley. He's dead now, so I portrayed him as such. Everyone understood [snaps fingers] immediately.

Brenda from Yonkers: Hi. Quick shout-out to the nurses at United Pediatric. This money'll do those kids a lot of good.
Captain Holt: Cry me a river. Brenda from Yonkers. We've all had budget cuts. Just take your guess.

Jake: Sir, you wanted to see me?
Captain Holt: Yes, I have an assignment for you. I'm afraid it's not a pleasant one.
Jake: Oh, my God. Please tell me it's not-
Captain Holt: Yes, it's Hitchcock related.
Jake: Son of a bitch.
Captain Holt: Detective Hitchcock is set to testify in court this afternoon. It's an important case, and I'd rather not get another call from the DA saying he showed up, quote, covered in condiments, unquote.

Captain Holt: You're just as devious as ever. You seduced the van driver, didn't you?
Ernest Zumowski: No, I seduced the van driver. She couldn't resist my groovy voodoo.
Captain Holt: And the yo-yo string was a message.
Ernest Zumowski: The what was a what?
Captain Holt: The yo-yo string was-
Charles: Captain, this is embarrassing. Can we just take him in?
Captain Holt: Yeah, you're right. This isn't what I hoped for. Go ahead and cuff him, gently.
Ernest Zumowski: This isn't the last you'll hear from me, Raymond. I'm never gonna die.
Captain Holt: Sure you won't. Whatever makes you feel better.
Ernest Zumowski: No, you're the punk.
Captain Holt: Just put him in the car.

Captain Holt: So, Ms. Park, it says in my file that you drove Mr. Zumowski on multiple occasions.
Regina Park: Yes. Because he had to go to the hospital a lot. He was very, very old.
Captain Holt: She's clearly been seduced.
Sergeant Jeffords: She has?
Captain Holt: Let's cut the crap. You helped him escape. You planted a cadaver in the back. You flipped the van on purpose. Then the Strangler set it on fire and sprinkled some of his hair nearby so there'd be a DNA match. Then he left behind his calling card: this yo-yo string!
Regina Park: That's not a yo-yo string.
Captain Holt: What?
Regina Park: That's part of the lanyard we give to the older inmates when they become fall risks.
Captain Holt: You're lying. You've succumbed to his groovy voodoo!

Captain Holt: All right, the state police is deploying 30 men and four helicopters to comb the area of the accident. I felt comfortable saying this disco-man has danced his last disco dance.