Captain Holt Quotes Page 3 of 74

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Quote from the episode Game Night

Captain Holt: Diaz, you should be very proud of yourself. I know things aren't exactly where you wanna be right now, but, uh, I promise you they will improve.
Rosa: Thank you, Captain.
Captain Holt: Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place. So thank you.

Quote from the episode Undercover

Captain Holt: I was trying to shield you. Do you know how much stress I've been under lately? My husband says he hasn't seen me smile in weeks.
Sergeant Jeffords: How much did you smile before that?
Captain Holt: Constantly.

Quote from the episode Boyle-Linetti Wedding

Minister: So, do you Kevin-
Kevin:Yes.
Minister: And do you-
Captain Holt: Yes. Yes. We do. We're married.

Quote from the episode Mr. Santiago

Captain Holt: My advice: don't be overconfident. The first time I met Kevin's parents, I called Brahm's "Funf Gesange" opus 106 when it is, obviously, opus 104. They haven't spoken to me since.
Jake: Really? Just for that?
Captain Holt: Yes. Also because they're huge homophobes who think that I made Kevin gay with my magic genitalia.
Jake: That's super sad, but I do like hearing you say the word "genitalia".

Quote from the episode 48 Hours

Jake: You slept in your office and you look exactly the same. How?
Captain Holt: What are you talking about? My hair is a mess.

Quote from the episode Greg and Larry

Captain Holt: White rice, brown rice. Those are just some of the rices I love.
Bob Annderson: Mmm.
Captain Holt: Also basmati.
Bob Annderson: Mmm.
Captain Holt: Uh, that's all of them now.

Quote from the episode Halloween II

Jake: You were behind all this? You played me!
Captain Holt: Like Frans Brüggen plays the flute.

Quote from the episode Unsolvable

Captain Holt: Do you want to know how I actually hurt my wrist?
Jake: Yes.
Captain Holt: I was hula hooping. Kevin and I attend a class for fitness and for fun.
Jake: Oh, my God.
Captain Holt: I've mastered all the moves. [Shows photos on phone] The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie-doodle.
Jake: Why are you telling me this?
Captain Holt: Because no one will ever believe you. [Deletes photos from phone]
Jake: You sick son of a bitch.

Quote from the episode The Last Ride

Captain Holt: When people say, "Good morning," they mean, "Hello." When people say, "How are you?" they mean, "Hello." When people say, "What's up?" they mean, "I am a person not worth talking to."

Quote from the episode The Box

Captain Holt: Well, hello, Dolly.

Quote from the episode Four Movements

Gina: Hey, Craptain, you ready to get curb stomped?
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Gina: At chess.
Captain Holt: We have a weekly match. I'm teaching Gina to play. And she, in turn, is teaching me to trash talk. The hospital called. Your test results came back positive. You're a stage five dumbass.
Gina: Oh! You have come so far.

Quote from the episode Your Honor

Captain Holt: You're annoying my mother.
Jake: Are you blind? We're vibing like crazy.
Captain Holt: I assure you, my mother's not a vibrator.
Jake: Definitely not what that's short for.

Quote from the episode The Honeypot

Jake: I'm so sorry, sir. This is all my fault. Operation: Double Dragon was a debacle.
Captain Holt: Yes, it was. If only someone had thought to plan a backup operation.
Jake: Did you do something cool?
Captain Holt: I did something very cool. While I was banished to the guest room, I flipped across one of those Thomas Cruise films on Home Box Office, and I realized something. On a spy mission, there's always another twist.
John Kelly: What are you saying?
Captain Holt: I'm saying I knew you would triple-cross our double-cross, so I planted a microphone in the napkin holder. There's one in the flowerpot. Ketchup, mustard. There are mics in both.
Jake: Where?
Captain Holt: In the tips.
Jake: Oh, this is so great. Where else are there mics?
Captain Holt: Nowhere.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: But there are cameras! There's a camera, there's a camera, and there's a camera. I've got you on tape, Kelly. You're screwed. The only thing that's gonna be on your desk in the morning is a list of my demands. Operation: Triple Dragon is complete.
Jake: You named it.
Captain Holt: Not only did I name it, Triple Dragon is an acronym. Two Righteous Individuals Performing Law Enforcement Directives Rapidly Against Gordon Our Nemesis. Triple Dragon!
Jake: This is the best thing that's ever happened!

Quote from the episode The Fugitive (Part 2)

Captain Holt: Oh, I see. So the only thing we have to go on is the word of one of your criminal friends?
Doug Judy: Criminals? That's how you see us? Is it a crime to steal bread to feed your family? Or to sell some weed so you can buy video games? Or to steal video games because you smoked all that weed you were supposed to sell?
Captain Holt: Yes, all of those are crimes.
Doug Judy: Damn. Even the bread one?
Captain Holt: Especially the bread one.

Quote from the episode Monster in the Closet

Rosa: What do you have in there?
Captain Holt: A balloon arch.
Rosa: Oh, my God, Captain. She is magnificent.
Captain Holt: Vindication!

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