Captain Holt: I came to a realization after you stormed out last night.
Sergeant Jeffords: I wouldn't say I stormed out. I shook hands with both you and Kevin before I left.
Captain Holt: And Kevin and I agreed that you squeezed significantly tighter than necessary.
Sergeant Jeffords: I guess I was a little worked up.

Jake: Look, there's no point in rebranding yourself for the new captain or should I say "craptain" because they're not gonna be here for very long anyways, remember?
Captain Holt: Peralta, stop it. I don't want to hear you bad-mouthing my replacement around the office. Do it surreptitiously. Watch this. I hear that new captain's a pill-popper.
Sergeant Jeffords: They're on their way up.
Captain Holt: Everyone hide your pills.

Sergeant Jeffords: [over radio] Detectives, switch to channel five. Anyone else getting a sense Holt is upset about the new captain coming tomorrow?
Rosa: It's bad. This morning he sighed for the entire length of our elevator ride.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: [elongated sigh]

Jake: Hey, check it out. Dog bra. Dog bra. Oh, I'm so tired. I can't keep my eyes open. Here, I need you to slap me.
Captain Holt: I'm not gonna do that, Peralta. [slaps Jake]
Jake: Oh!
Captain Holt: I thought perhaps the element of surprise would help.
Jake: It did!

Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, why are you doing that?
Captain Holt: On the other side of your trunk, is the worst person I've ever met. Captain Jeffrey Bouche, the living embodiment of evil.
Jeffrey Bouche: Raymond Holt? As I live and breathe. You have not aged a day. So how's Kevin? How's Cheddar? Come on. Tell me everything.
Captain Holt: Kevin is fine. Cheddar is a dog. He has no concept of good or bad.

Sergeant Jeffords: You're being a little harsh on him, Captain.
Captain Holt: I've been up for promotions against that man on six occasions, and he's prevailed every single time. Why? Because he's a snake.
Sergeant Jeffords: Isn't it possible he gets promotions because he's nice and people like him?
Captain Holt: Please, I hate to say this about anyone, let alone a fellow officer, but that man is full of balogna.
Sergeant Jeffords: Baloney.
Captain Holt: You're right. He's so vile, we should use the crude Americanization of the word. He's full of baloney.

Captain Holt: Hello, deputy chief Wuntch. You've aged.

Madeline Wuntch: There's John Kelly. Twirl me into him, and I'll place the bug. Hello, John.
John Kelly: Right on time, Madeline. Did Raymond buy it? Did he think you were bonding?
Madeline Wuntch: He was smiling at me like an idiot.
Captain Holt: You've betrayed us, you coffin cave mold beetle!

Captain Holt: We're adding intimidation to the charges against you.
Jake: I know, you're both mad and disappointed.
Captain Holt: I'm neither. I'm displeased.
Jake: Is that worse?
Captain Holt: Yes. Of my 16 potential reactions, only one is stronger, and you should be thankful you've never seen me huffy.

Captain Holt: You move well. Must be all the extra legs, you crab.
Madeline Wuntch: Don't you find this exhausting?
Captain Holt: Thinking of fresh insults? Not at all, you coffin cave mold beetle.
Madeline Wuntch: I meant our relationship. Aren't you tired of the rivalry? We fight and we fight, and nothing changes. But we're really not so different.
Captain Holt: I suppose we were close once. Remember Brighton Beach?
Madeline Wuntch: 1,200 kilos of heroin in an abandoned subway tunnel. How could I forget?
Captain Holt: The largest drug bust in NYPD history pulled off by a most unlikely duo.
Madeline Wuntch: A woman, and a gay, black detective.
Captain Holt: No, I meant a human and a rotted jack-o'-lantern.
Madeline Wuntch: Don't be so hard on yourself. You weren't all the way rotted back then.

Madeline Wuntch: Apology accepted. There's a Policeman's Ball tonight. I can plant the bug on Kelly there. And since you don't trust me, you can be my plus one.
Captain Holt: Oh, please. Everyone knows we're enemies. It would raise suspicions.
Madeline Wuntch: Don't worry. I know just what to tell people.
[cut to:]
Captain Holt: Madeline and I are now ... lovers.

Madeline Wuntch: You don't trust me, I don't trust you. The mission is off.
Here's your bug back. It's not an actual bug, so don't eat it, you lizard.
Captain Holt: Ha! You didn't specify the subspecies of lizard. I won that round!

Captain Holt: This is what I wanted to show you. Do you know what disappoints me most about this about this picture? That I'm not in it. I can't remember the last time I saw the Nine-Nine so happy. And I wasn't there.
Jake: 'Cause you were working on your presentation to get us a win.
Captain Holt: Yeah, well, it wasn't a real win. I wish I had been in that photo.

Captain Holt: How many cummerbunds are you holding right now? Zero. It's one bund to none, son!

Captain Holt: Boyle! My father never saw my potential. In grade school, I wanted to spend all my free time drawing graphs and charts, but he insisted I play basketball. As if I care about slam dunking a three-pointer. Don't be my father, Boyle!
Charles: I wouldn't dare!