Jordan Carfton: I'm uploading the video tomorrow at my cousin's wedding. Dog track has free Wi-Fi.
Jake: Would you ever consider not uploading it and deleting it instead? If our boss sees that video, we could be fired.
Jordan Carfton: I don't care about you. A great viral video like that could fetch me ten grand. And do you know what type of tanning bed I could get for that kind of money? A mid-range one.
Captain Holt: Not necessary. Your tan is great as-is. You look like an evenly-stained deck.

Captain Holt: We're not cops anymore. How are we gonna get access to those files?
Jake: Easy: I walk in there dressed as an exterminator saying I'm from 1-2-3 Pest Removal. Secretary's like, "Never heard of you." Then I'm like, [Scottish accent:] "Listen, lassie, it's best you let me speak with your principal." I hear it. I'm gonna drop the accent. She takes me to see the principal you walk in behind me and download the file.
Captain Holt: The only question is, where are we gonna find an exterminator's outfit?
Jake: We're gonna need khaki pants and a khaki shirt.
Captain Holt: To my casual wear closet.

Hestus: But you guys getting ink, or what?
Captain Holt: No, I already have a tattoo.
Jake: What? Where? Why? How? When?
Captain Holt: I will never talk about it again.
[Jake groans]

Captain Holt: If that woman posts her camera phone video that she took with a camera phone camera to the Internet, Figgis could figure out where we are.

Jake: Figure out what's living in there yet?
Captain Holt: Well, uh, judging by the empty beer cars, the fur, the pornography, and the claw marks, I'd say a homeless man and a raccoon. The exact nature of their relationship is still revealing itself.
Jake: I'm gonna assume sexual.

Captain Holt: So I marched in there and I told him I wanted that assistant manager position.
Estelle: I wish my son had your backbone. Then he could finally divorce Emily. What does he see in her anyway?
Captain Holt: Probably her breasts, which are heavier than average. I don't mean to be crude, ladies, but that's just how the straight mind works.

U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Pop quiz. Greg, where did you go to college?
Captain Holt: Ohio State, where I majored in ... communications.

Captain Holt: Stop! You're entering the zone of visibility. Someone could see you through the windows.
Jake: Why don't we just close the blinds?
Captain Holt: At mid-day? That's far too suspicious. Blinds will only be closed at night. If you must go into the living room, crawl on your belly. Observe.
Jake: Seems a little extreme.
Captain Holt: You're right, it's extreme of me to try to prevent my husband from being shot in the face. I'm over-doing it. Kevin, come in here. Take your bullet.

Rosa: Deputy Chief Wuntch is here to see you.
Captain Holt: Oh, please stay Diaz. I need a witness in case her head starts spinning around, or she turns into a she-wolf.

Captain Holt: There's no such thing as a backwards 'w'.

Captain Holt: Did he say what he would do to him?
Jake: No, they ran over a huge pothole and then complained about de Blasio for the next hour.
Captain Holt: Yes, he needs to do something about the roads.

Rosa: You're back so soon. Did you catch your guy?
Captain Holt: No, he was dead, so I'll never catch him. Also, Amy bought us tainted meat, and now I have diarrhoea.

Captain Holt: Quite a big package you've got there. Oh, I apologize for the double entendre. I can be such a Samantha.
Guard: Really? You don't seem like a Samantha.
Captain Holt: Well, I'm actually a combination of all four characters.
Both: Five if you count the city of New York.

Captain Holt: Hmm. What about Steve? He seems nice.
Gina: Oh, Steve is nothing. No one likes Steve.
Captain Holt: [writing down] "Steve is nothing."

Captain Holt: You have until tomorrow, you grackle.