Amy: Captain, you look-
Captain Holt: No.

Captain Holt: Are you familiar with the story of Moneyball? A man uses statistics and logic to win several baseball games. It's my favorite film.

Jake: And you'll be happy to know that he punched me in the face several times.
Captain Holt: That does make me happy.
Jake: Guess we're being candid today.

Captain Holt: I do envy the camaraderie they shared. I've always wanted to josh around with my peers.

Captain Holt: Anything else?
Jake: Yes. What cute little nickname do you call your Husband?
Captain Holt: Kevin.
Jake: Adorable.

Rosa: We swept the scene, ran the prints, canvassed the building. We followed procedure.
Gina: Procedure is just a fancy word for proper order to do things.
Captain Holt: Yes, that is its definition.

Captain Holt: I'm flying high, Sergeant, and I'm never coming down.

Captain Holt: I want to say, it has been a pleasure to have worked alongside all of you for the past twenty-one and a half months.

Captain Holt: Just remember, we're back here as PR representatives. I don't want to be disruptive.
Gina: Too bad. We're like rockstars to these people. They're gonna go nuts, be like "rah!", "rah!".
Captain Holt: I would hate it if these doors opened and everyone stopped working to applaud us.

Jake: Well, I know you love hot goss, so you probably heard Amy and I are dating.
Amy: And we would love your approval.
Jake: No.
Amy: But, that's not what this is about.
Jake: It sure is not. Sir, the Vulture is out of control, all right. He told me if I don't dump Amy, he's going to demote me. You gotta help us.
Captain Holt: Let me stop you right there, Peralta. I'm not the Chief of Detectives. I'm not the Vulture's boss. I'm just some guy in PR.
Amy: But we thought-
Captain Holt: I can't save your ass. I don't work here any more. And the sooner your accept that, the better.

Amy: Sir, Jake really pissed me off, and I want to help you take him down.
Captain Holt: Well, that's an intriguing proposition. You certainly could be useful.
Amy: Thank you.
Captain Holt: To Jake! I got you, Peralta! You're not fooling anyone!
Amy: Why does everyone think that's where a camera would be?
Captain Holt: Because the cleavage cloaks the camera with its curves.
That will be all, spy.
Sorry I said cleavage.

Captain Holt: So, Gina, how's it going? What's the gossip?
Gina: "What's the gossip?" You can't stand being in your office with him, can you?
Captain Holt: No, I'm just curious about your life. I like to gab. So, uh, tell me about ... boys.

Charles: Okay, well, John, you're under arrest.
Captain Holt: What?
Mr. Weichselbraun: Excuse me?
Charles: He staged the robbery for the insurance money because he's broke, because oboists are not celebrities.
Captain Holt: This is ludicrous, Boyle. Do you have one iota of evidence?
Charles: I found the oboe for sale online. We traced the IP address back to Mr. Weichselbraun's computer.
Captain Holt: Oh, John.

Charles: The, uh, problem is Marge in facilities is refusing to help. We were actually hoping maybe you could ask her.
Captain Holt: Excuse me? I'm the captain of this precinct. I don't have time to mediate your petty squabbles. I've taken a sacred oath to protect this community, and that is a job I take seriously.
Amy: So you're afraid of her, too, huh?
Captain Holt: Terrified.

Captain Holt: Now, get out of my clothes. Get into your clothes. Get out of my house. Get into your cars-
Jake: All right, we can take it from there.