Captain Holt: Thank you for allowing us to return. Turns out there wasn't a bomb.
It was a clock made by an over-achieving minority student. What a world we live in.

Captain Holt: He may not have been pulling something back there, but both of you were wrong about George Judy. He never showed. We wasted a day, and if anyone has egg on their faces, it's you two. Doug Egg and Egg Peralta.

Jake: Why would George Judy steal all these cars and not the egg?
Doug Judy: Easier to sell if you're in a hurry. Plus these are some valuable vehicles. Bugatti, Ferrari-
Captain Holt: Gertie.
Jake: I don't think Gertie was a prime target, sir.

Captain Holt: Look, I owe you both an apology. Doug Judy, I underestimated your honesty. And, Peralta, I underestimated your instincts.
Jake: Yeah, I'm gonna need a lot more from you than that.
Captain Holt: Fine. You're a good cop even if you are a thirsty-ass bitch.
Jake: Wow. Okay. Solved a pretty intense murder, and just crap all over me.

Charles: This is all your fault. You just had to sleep with Teddy, didn't you? You couldn't keep it in your pants.
Amy: Come on, Charles.
Captain Holt: He's right, Santiago. Your libido has endangered us all.

Captain Holt: I can quite believe I'm gonna say this, but I'm sorry I even came to Rochester.

Sergeant Jeffords: All aboard the Jeffords Victory Express!
Captain Holt: Oh, I'm sure the child will love that you put a steam locomotive whistle on a diesel train. I'm joking, he's going to vomit when he hears that.

Amy: Mm, I love how the mud revitalizes your skin.
Captain Holt: And I love how it masks my shame.
Jake: I am loving this.

Sergeant Jeffords: We're getting close. We just need to keep testing more things.
Captain Holt: Oh, that's a good idea. Have you tried a piece of paper? Is that your crinkle? Ooh, maybe oh. Maybe it's these bags of coffee beans.
Sergeant Jeffords: All right, sir. I think you've made your point.
Captain Holt: My point? Oh, I'm just trying to have fun by wasting time. Oh, maybe it's this crinkly-crunkly yogurt.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry heard a crinkle.
Captain Holt: Holt heard a crinkle, too.
Sergeant Jeffords: So suddenly, it's not a waste of time?
Captain Holt: Not a waste of time if we win! What are you waiting for, Jeffords? Call the Horndog!

Captain Holt: Quote: "The bird that leaves the nest too soon plummets to its death on the concrete below." Captain Raymond Holt, immediately afterwards.

Captain Holt: Fine, Kelly found the murderer's kill room. Whoop-Dee-doo! Should we throw him a parade?
Jake: Yeah. Maybe.

Jake: Look, sir, I've explained this. Wuntch is the only one that can get close to Kelly. We need her.
Captain Holt: Okay. The worm pile stays.

Jake: So what, you're just saying we have the wrong guy now, because you're upset about the fake lead?
Captain Holt: No, I'm saying you have the wrong guy because you do. When I realized your lead was nothing but hooey, I went back to re-interview the hot dog man, but he was gone. And why was that? Debbie, tell 'em!
Officer Debbie Fogle: Oh, no, I don't want to be a part of this.
Captain Holt: Because the hot dog man is the shooter.
Charles: What? That seems like a reach.
Captain Holt: Sometimes, when you reach, you grab the truth.
Charles: Sorry, Jake, he turned it around on me.
Jake: Come on!
Captain Holt: The hot dog man gave a false statement to throw us off the scent and then vanished while we were off looking for the wrong guy. Face it, you're no Manhunter. If anything, you're a Wrong Manhunter.

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain Kim asked for an immediate transfer. She is no longer a part of the Nine-Nine.
Charles: What?
Sergeant Jeffords: She said that she respected you all, but there was obviously too much history here and she'd always feel like an interloper.
Jake: Oh, man, you guys. I almost feel like this is all my fault.
Captain Holt: Agreed.
Jake: What? You encouraging me. You kept saying, "Mm-hmm."
Captain Holt: I was going through something difficult. You have no excuse.

Charles: This is ridiculous. Neither of you have even taken a bathroom break.
Captain Holt: Are you kidding me? Do you think world record-holder Howard Berg would stop in the middle of a read-off to expel?