Jake: Okay. You guys are being really intense. I like all of your kids an equal amount. Just give me some space and I'll figure out who I'm gonna take.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, backing off.
Charles: Stepping away.
Sergeant Jeffords: Making room.
Charles: Letting you breathe.
Jake: Thank you. [cell phone chimes] Did you both just send me pictures of your kids crying?
Both: No.

Captain Holt: Oh, no. I'm doomed.
Rosa: Seriously? All you have to do is not insult a dead woman at her own memorial service.
Captain Holt: Exactly. It's impossible.

Amy: Sir, over here.
Rosa: Where were you? Why are you holding the mean yelling speech?
Captain Holt: Because I'm gonna yell it, meanly. I wasted half my life hating that duplicitous hag, and she didn't even have the decency to truly hate me back. Well, screw her. I'm gonna ruin her memorial.
Amy: No, you can't do that. If you read that speech, you'll be fired.
Captain Holt: You're right. And that would ruin my career. And it's worth it. I'm giving the speech.

Rosa: So you guys are friends now?
Captain Holt: Uh, yes, it seems we have a great deal in common.
Adam Jarver: Well, one thing.
Both: Hating Wuntch. [both laugh]
Adam Jarver: I read him the obituary I wrote for her, but the "Times" wouldn't publish it. It had too many obscenities.
Captain Holt: And I read him my all caps speech.
Adam Jarver: And I loved it. It was like poetry.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Madeline smelled like dog crap.
[present:]
Adam Jarver: Raymond convinced me the best way to get back at Wuntch is to make sure he doesn't get fired. Also I'm just gonna chisel a penis onto her headstone.
Captain Holt: And I'm gonna watch.

Captain Holt: Good afternoon. On this sad day, I'd like to say a few words about Commissioner Wuntch.
[A giant video monitor above the altar comes on and plays a video of Captain Holt recorded moments earlier:]
Captain Holt: Madeline smelled like dog crap.
[present:]
Captain Holt: I'm sorry. I... I don't know what... [Adam waves] Adam, what are you doing?
Adam Jarver: I'm showing everyone your true colors, Raymond Holt. Enjoy the show, people!

Captain Holt: It's over.
Adam Jarver: Yeah, for you. Everyone who's anyone in NYPD just saw you for your true self. Your career is ruined, Ray-Ray.
Amy: Who are you? Why are you doing this?
Adam Jarver: I'm Madeline Wuntch's nephew. She sent me here to carry out the final phase of her master plan, and now it's all over. Wait, why are you smiling?
Captain Holt: Because, Adam, this isn't the real memorial. It's all a ruse.
Adam Jarver: What?
Rosa: Yeah, what?
Captain Holt: I knew Wuntch had one final trick up her sleeve. I didn't know what it was, so I had to be prepared for anything. This whole thing was staged. None of these people are real mourners. They're not even in the NYPD.

Sergeant Jeffords: Can I ask why that card is so important?
Captain Holt: Because of Zeff Wilcox. He was a victim in the first case I worked. I always want to remember him.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's nice.
Captain Holt: And the words he wrote on the back.
Sergeant Jeffords: The back... say what, now?
Captain Holt: Why is this blank?
Sergeant Jeffords: I threw it away. I thought it was trash. I didn't know you kept it to remember someone you helped.
Captain Holt: I didn't help Zeff, I failed Zeff. His case was never solved. The words written on the back were: "Thanks for nothing."
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, man, that's rough.
Captain Holt: I have held onto that card for 30 years because I always wanted to remember what it felt like to let someone down, so I'd never do it again. That card made me the cop I am today. Without it... I'm lost.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, sir. I'm sure you're still mad at us.
Captain Holt: Just you, not Diaz.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, well, I can't get that card back, but I did bring you these. They're business cards of people you've helped. One mistake did not make you the cop you are today. 30 years of service to the community did. That should be your motivation. I know you can't remember their names, but...
Captain Holt: Alex Chen. I do remember him. 36-year-old male, carjacked at the corner of 7th Avenue and 11th Street. Had three siblings, Alice, Arlene, and Anna.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, so you remember Alex Chen.
Captain Holt: Yes, and I really helped him. Perhaps he'll be my new Zeff.

Jake: Well, Since Dillman is clearly out of the top spot now, who's the best detective you've ever worked with?
Captain Holt: It's Sergeant Leslie Hunt-Minkoff.
Jake: Who?!

Captain Holt: You're too late. For the last three months, I have been training Cheddar to retrieve gems. Using his low center of gravity and keen sense of smell, he expertly... [gasps] Oh, no. He swallowed them. He swallowed the gems!
Jake: Well, [bleep].

Jake: Rosa, that was amazing.
Captain Holt: It was not amazing. She didn't stay handcuffed to her partner. She's disqualified. We'll reset and start over on the next holiday. Earth day... an Earth day heist. It's perfect.
Rosa: Wrong. Rules said I couldn't undo the cuffs, and I didn't.
Captain Holt: Oh, not fair. I didn't know I could cut off Peralta's hand. I'll file that away for next year.

Jake: Look, I need you to focus. The kidnapper texted his demands.
Captain Holt: How much does the bastard want for my little doggy?
Jake: Oh, that's just it. He doesn't want money. He requested all the files we worked from May 2004. It's a lead. He's gotta be connected to one of those cases somehow.
Captain Holt: Interesting. You know what else is interesting?
Jake: Hmm?
Captain Holt: Grenades.

Captain Holt: The kidnapper said he would call with drop instructions at 8:00 a.m. It is now... [sighs] ... 8:01. Cheddar's dead.
Jake: Cheddar is not dead. It's just one minute. Perhaps the kidnapper's watch is slow.
Captain Holt: Oh, dear God, if his watch is slow, there's no telling what else this psychopath is capable of.

Captain Holt: [phone buzzes] Three minutes after 8:00. This man is unhinged. You said you'd call at 8:00.
Man: [disguised voice] My watch is slow.

Captain Holt: There's no sign of Peralta out here. Did you hear anything on the wire?
Kevin: No, it never came back on. Do you think he's okay?
Captain Holt: Shh!
Kevin: What?
Captain Holt: Do you hear?
Kevin: Yes, I do. That's the jingle of Cheddar's collar. [Cheddar barks]
Captain Holt: And that's his bark! Oh, it's our fluffy boy!