Captain Holt: ♪ Spank that bottom spank that bo... ♪ [lights come on, elevator starts] We will never speak of this again.

Captain Holt: Welcome to the Lake House.
Sergeant Jeffords: Where's the lake? I didn't see it on the way in.
Captain Holt: That's because there's no lake up here.
Sergeant Jeffords: But you said it was a lake house.
Captain Holt: No, we called it The Lake House. It was once owned by Kirsopp Lake, the scholar of textual criticism who wrote "Dated Greek Manuscripts to the Year 1200."
Jake: Yeah, Terry, it's obviously named after Kirsopp Lake. No one else was confused about that.

Amy: I mean, I wouldn't put it past O'Sullivan. He is desperate to kill our reform program.
Captain Holt: True, he tried to blackmail me before.
[flashback:]
Frank O'Sullivan: If you don't give me what I want, I will release proof that you are a homosexual.
Captain Holt: I came out years ago.
Frank O'Sullivan: Ah, you're impossible.

Charles: So our bank got new ATMs?
Captain Holt: I wouldn't know. I switched banks.

Captain Holt: This folder is labelled Undies comma Dirty.
Jake: So I won't confuse it with Undies comma Clean.

Captain Holt: I know you're all tired, but don't forget why we're here.
Jake: Because we're dedicated detectives.
Captain Holt: Because Peralta jumped the gun.

Captain Holt: I came out as a gay cop in the 1980s, so it's going to take more than reassigning me to break my spirit. I'll turn this place around, just like I did the Nine-Nine.

Captain Holt: Yes, yes, babies are adorable. They're like we are but so much smaller.

Charles: I tried to write a kind speech about her last night, and this is what came out.
Rosa: Oh. It's, like, 20 pages long.
Amy: Why is it in all caps?
Captain Holt: So I remember to yell it.
Rosa: Oh, well, you obviously can't read any of this.

Amy: Ooh, more work! I know that sounded sarcastic-
Sergeant Jeffords: Nobody thought that.
Captain Holt: Not for a moment.

Madeline Wuntch: I've examined his proposal. There's no proof that giggle pig is a serious problem.
Captain Holt: So we're just supposed to wait until it turns into an epidemic. You're like the League of Nations in '36: just hoping the Abyssinian crisis to resolves itself.
Madeline Wuntch: That's the lesson you draw from the fall of Addis Ababa? Raymond, you sound so naive.
Captain Holt: And you sound just like Victor Emmanuel III.

Captain Holt: You used my logic against me. Well played, Timmy. Well played.

Jake: Will you at least tell Hitchcock to go home? His mouth smells like rotten trout milk.
Captain Holt: Is there such a thing?
Jake: I'm just telling you what it smells like.
Captain Holt: Get out.

Captain Holt: Is this about your toast?
Amy: How'd you get that?
Captain Holt: Gina gave it to me. Very well written. There are several compelling anecdotes, the fonts suit the tone. Good work. I did feel, however, the word choice could have been improved in spots. I marked them "awk" for awkward.

Jake: Also, I wanted to thank you again for giving us this half day.
Captain Holt: Yes, of course. I understand how important these extravaganzas are. I'm sure you'll have a hoot.
Jake: Oh, yeah. Though I'm sure our hoots pale in comparison to the hoots that you had back in the day. I bet things got supes hoots.
Captain Holt: Actually, I wasn't privy to those events. As a gay black man I was excluded from most social gatherings.