Captain Holt: Well, I've got a bean to boil too. Santiago always tries to finish my sentences and frequently gets it wrong.
Amy: I do not, and I am not wrong.
Captain Holt: You do it all the-
Amy: Time?
Captain Holt: No, I was going to say, "All the day long." See? Frequently wrong.

Amy: Okay, this sucks. We never fight, and then stupid Brad comes in and turns us all against each other and now we're acting like a bunch of kids.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not all kids. My girls never act like this.
Captain Holt: We may be arguing, but we're all thinking the same thing: Terry talks about his children too much.
Sergeant Jeffords: Do I really? You all think that?
Captain Holt: Keep a lid on the box, Pandora. You won't like what's inside.

Captain Holt: No. There's something private that is fueling you. And when I find that private fuel, I will extract it to use as my private fuel in my private fuel tank. Then I will have a full tank of private fuel, and you will have an empty tank of private... [Rosa takes Holt's bagel] Rosa.

Officer Debbie Fogle: Bonkers morning, huh? So, any idea who did it?
Captain Holt: No, but whoever it was had an intimate knowledge of our security systems. It was obviously an inside job.
Officer Debbie Fogle: I bet it was Brian.
Captain Holt: Why do you say that?
Officer Debbie Fogle: Because he once said he has a hot tub. You know how that crowd is.
Captain Holt: I didn't know Brian had a hot tub. That does sound bad.

Amy: I've never been so attracted to a gay man before, and I dated several in college.
Captain Holt: Shall we have a read-off, Santiago?
Amy: We don't have finger guards.
Captain Holt: So we do it raw.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, I normally don't encourage such childish competitions, but this might help things go faster. My only question is, Holt, are you sure your old ass eyes are up to the challenge?
Captain Holt: I know you're just trying to motivate me, but these old ass eyes will be reading your tombstone, son.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm sorry, but you know our policy is that uniformed officers must walk the same beat for six months. It's how they become familiar with the community they serve.
Captain Holt: Well, surely you can make an exception for me.
Sergeant Jeffords: I can't play favorites. You never did when you were in charge.
Captain Holt: Of course I did.
Sergeant Jeffords: Really? I never got any special treatment.
Captain Holt: I think you can do the math there.
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn.

Captain Holt: Lieutenant, I never see you at Shaw's on a Sunday. Those nights are reserved for spending time with your family. I guess you do make... exceptions.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Captain Holt: The conversation we had six months ago? The one where you said you wouldn't make an exception for me.
Sergeant Jeffords: That was so long ago. A lot has happened since then.
Captain Holt: Well, to me it seems like mere minutes ago, because I've been living the same day over and over again.

Captain Holt: I'd also like to make a speech. Most marriages end in divorce, and there's a reason. It's boring to be stuck in the same routine forever. There's no value to be found in walking the same beat over and over, especially when you've been a captain for six years. The point is: Marriage is a waste of my talents, Lieutenant. To Hitchcock!
Hitchcock: These are great.
Jake: Really?

Hitchcock: Crap. They're really pissed that Anna's pregnant.
Captain Holt: No, it's more complicated than that. Anna just called her entire family hypocrites.
Rosa: Wait, you speak Russian?
Captain Holt: Huh. I guess I do. I must have picked it up from speaking to that woman at the coffee cart for the past six months.
[shouting in Russian]
Charles: Now what's happening?
Captain Holt: Anna's mother says Anna should be with someone respectable, like her sister's husband, Boris, instead of the... Pig man.
Hitchcock: Well, that's too bad, 'cause she already married the pig man.

Captain Holt: Anyway, I walked my beat this morning, and I spoke to several people in Russian. They were so impressed, they opened up to me. I got a number of useful tips.
Sergeant Jeffords: All right. All because I made you do something tedious.
Captain Holt: Monotonous. Don't ruin this.

Sergeant Jeffords: Today is Holt's first day back in his office and I wanna make sure everything is just how he left it. Now, I can't remember, was this little figurine of Cheddar at a 45 or 50 degree angle?
Rosa: Terry, it's a five degree difference. You better figure it out.
Captain Holt: Ah, I missed this place. Huh, little Cheddar's askew. You really made yourself at home, didn't you Jeffords?

Jake: Sir, I'd like to talk to you about the new task force you're on the hiring committee for.
Captain Holt: The Special Tactical Operations and Auxiliary Strategic Response Citywide Emergency Investigative Unit for Emergency Operations? You know, I had a hand in naming it.
Jake: And it's great, although you might wanna try shortening it, maybe using a cool acronym.
Captain Holt: So the S.T.O.A.S.R.C.E.I.U.E.O.? Hm, you're right. That is cool.

Jake: Anyways, sir, I really think that I deserve this task force. My clearance rate puts me in the top 2% of all NYPD det...
Captain Holt: I am aware of your qualifications, Peralta, but I'm only allowed to recommend one name for the S.T.O.A.S.R.C.E.I.U.E.O.
Jake: And you don't think the acronym's just a little clunky?
Captain Holt: Oh, no, it's quite catchy.

Dillman: I hear you need some help with a "who has done this."
Captain Holt: Squad, meet detective Frank Dillman of the San Francisco PD. He is in town, and we were supposed to have lunch tomorrow, but I asked him to come down because I need an objective set of eyes on this.
Jake: I can be objective.
Captain Holt: Then tell me. How do I look today?
Jake: Normal?
Captain Holt: No. Dillman?
Dillman: Bloated.
Captain Holt: Thank you.