Captain Holt: Huh. [sighs] It's nowhere.
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, maybe you could flush out the corn crake by doing its mating call?
Captain Holt: I don't know why a corn crake would make such a call three months after its rooting season, but I suppose it can't hurt to try. [imitates bird squawking]
[elsewhere:]
Kevin: Hold on. That call. That's the call a corn crake makes when it wants to root. I'll respond. [clears throat] [imitates bird call]
Captain Holt: [imitates bird call]
[back:]
Kevin: This way.

Jake: All right, we should be good. I think the swarm is gone.
Kevin: I think I was only stung once. How do I look?
Jake: Good, good, very good.
Sergeant Jeffords: Normal, very normal.
Captain Holt: Stop it. Kevin doesn't like to be lied to. You're disgusting to look at.
Kevin: Thank you, Raymond.

Jake: They were being so sweet with each other and holding hands, it was amazing. They're totally back in love.
Captain Holt: [enters] Peralta, I need to ask you something.
Jake: Let me guess. Will I be the best man at a last-minute vow renewal ceremony that will serve as an emotional capper to this magical weekend?
Captain Holt: No, I need you to move your car. Kevin has decided to leave immediately.
Kevin: Kevin Cozner leaving the Lake House. [door slams]
Sergeant Jeffords: This was 100% all Jake.
Jake: Oh, Terry.

Jake: Oh, sir, that's a dribble cup. You're dripping on yourself.
Captain Holt: Am I?
Jake: Okay. Look, I'm really sorry.
Captain Holt: No need to apologize. Your Das Doppelte Lottchen scheme worked. You manufactured a perfect romantic moment, and I allowed myself to imagine, as Kevin held my hand, that he still felt something for me. When we came back, I walked him to his room, and just as I was working up the courage to ask him to stay, he said we shouldn't spend any more time together. Well, at least now I know that my marriage is over. So thank you, Peralta. [loudly] Raymond Holt leaving the living room.

Jake: Sir, listen. I think Kevin wanted to stay. The only reason he left is 'cause he didn't know how you felt.
Captain Holt: Why would you think that? He's made no effort whatsoever.
Jake: Or has he? Did you know that Kevin is better at bird calls than you?
Captain Holt: Oh, a strange, hurtful non sequitur.
Jake: Now, who made the first corn crake call?
Captain Holt: I believe I did.
Jake: Correct. Kevin and I heard you, and he responded. But get this, sir. You made the wrong call. This is what a rooting corn crake sounds like. [bird call plays] The call you made was for a scarlet warbler. A trash bird.
Captain Holt: Okay, so you made your point. I'm a trash man who only knows trash birds.

Captain Holt: Oh, looks like we're adding a prong. Operation Trident is now Operation Fork.
Sergeant Jeffords: Isn't there a cooler word than "fork"? I mean, something more like "trident."
Captain Holt: Oh, no, did everyone assume I was trying to be cool? Is that why things are going so poorly? Damn it, I've got to call Peralta.

Captain Holt: Okay, O'Sullivan, there's McCaffery coming out of Perdue Pet Supplies with the mouse that he put in the burrito. So there's no need for tactical gear or a Never Forget Burrito ribbon or any of that. You need to call off the Blue Flu.
Frank O'Sullivan: Are you crazy? My guys are under attack.
Captain Holt: No, I just proved that it wasn't an attack. He faked it.
Frank O'Sullivan: Not that attack, this attack... The one where you call a policeman a liar.
Captain Holt: He is a liar.
Frank O'Sullivan: Oh, dear, my God. You just did it again. Do you understand the worst thing you could do to another person is to call that person a liar? You hate cops. That's a fact.
Captain Holt: I-I-I just thought the Blue Flu was about a mouse in a burrito.
Frank O'Sullivan: Well, it was, but now it's about you saying it wasn't.
Captain Holt: Well, that doesn't make any sense.
Frank O'Sullivan: So you're calling me stupid?
Captain Holt: That's not what I said!
Frank O'Sullivan: You're calling me a liar?
Captain Holt: I just don't know how to talk to someone like you.
Frank O'Sullivan: Someone like me? Wow. That's racist.
Captain Holt: Oh, this is a very frustrating conversation.

Captain Holt: The union can't be reasoned with. I need an update. Prong one.
Jake: More broken than ever.
Captain Holt: Ah, well, I never had any faith in you anyway.

Captain Holt: As for prong four, Jeffords is recording the officers' secret meeting as we speak. And I expect he'll be bursting into my office any minute with the proof we need to end the Blue Flu.
[later:]
Sergeant Jeffords: I got the proof we need to end the Blue Flu.
Captain Holt: Wait, really?
Sergeant Jeffords: Why so surprised? That was the plan.
Captain Holt: Yes, but earlier, I was talking to the squad, and I put a lot of pressure on this moment, which I then regretted. I feared I might be hoist on my own petard.
Sergeant Jeffords: No petard hoisting here. They talked about everything in front of me... How they planned the whole thing, how long they were gonna pretend to be sick.
Captain Holt: And you recorded it all, despite your own illness. I must say, I'm impressed.
Sergeant Jeffords: Because of how tough I am, right?
Captain Holt: The toughest.
Frank O'Sullivan: [on tape] Okay, first things first. We got to get... [stomach gurgling]
Captain Holt: What... what is that?
Sergeant Jeffords: I had the mic close to my chest. So I guess it must have picked up my stomach noises, but I'm sure it stops eventually. [stomach gurgling on tape] More stomach. More stomach. It's all stomach.
Captain Holt: And there it is... the petard.

Captain Holt: The lab faked the blood results. None of the officers are actually sick, which means they have no excuse to miss work.
Frank O'Sullivan: Well, unfortunately, that is...
Captain Holt: Stop. I know you're gonna twist my words into some vicious attack on you and the NYPD. So, before you do that, I'd like the pleasure of making the vicious attack myself.
Jake: Sir, your insults are kind of known to be little too think-y, maybe you should just let...
Captain Holt: O'Sullivan, you are a [bleep], and I hope your [bleep] get shoved right into your [bleep].
Jake: Wow. Well, that was definitely not too think-y.

Frank O'Sullivan: Okay, okay, okay. You got me. The men didn't have mono. They weren't sick.
Captain Holt: Damn right.
Frank O'Sullivan: But they are now.
Captain Holt: What?
Frank O'Sullivan: It seems they had a meeting, and somebody showed up with a very bad stomach bug and gave it to everyone there. I believe the officer's name was a, uh, Lieutenant Jeffords.
Captain Holt: The petard. It just won't stop hoisting.

Jake: Hey there, sir. You missed the morning briefing. And I see you found Charles's cheese.
Captain Holt: Mmm, it pairs well with despair and also this 1976 Chateau Haut-Brion.
Sergeant Jeffords: Doesn't seem like the kind of bottle you're supposed to chug.
Captain Holt: I bought it the day I joined the force with the intent to open it when I became commissioner.
Scully: Oh, my gosh, this is big news. Congratulations, sir.
Amy: No, he's not becoming commissioner, Scully.

Frank O'Sullivan: So I gather you're ready to cave to my demands.
Captain Holt: Why would I do that?
Frank O'Sullivan: Give me a break. Your arrests are way down, and your CompStat numbers are terrible.
Captain Holt: I think those numbers look great.
Frank O'Sullivan: No, you don't.
Captain Holt: Well, not those numbers. Obviously, they make it look like we haven't done much at all this week. But a friend of mine told me something unintentionally interesting... focus on what you didn't do. So here's what we didn't do this week. With fewer officers at our disposal and none of them trying to hit CompStat numbers, we made fewer bad arrests. Number of complaints against officers, down 32%. Number of cases thrown out at arraignment for insufficient evidence, down 34%. And here's the most important thing we didn't do. We didn't make the community less safe. Rates of major and violent crime, what actually matters, stayed the same.
Frank O'Sullivan: What are you saying?
Captain Holt: I'm saying the Nine-Nine just became a case study for how a police force can work better with fewer police.
Frank O'Sullivan: Are you actually talking about laying off cops?
Captain Holt: If these numbers persist, I may have no choice.
Frank O'Sullivan: Then I'll just end the Blue Flu.
Captain Holt: Great. That's what I want.
Frank O'Sullivan: Then I won't end the Blue Flu.
Captain Holt: Great. Fewer cops. That's what I want.
Frank O'Sullivan: You just said that... This is a very frustrating conversation.

Captain Holt: Thank you for letting me stay with you, Diaz. I am sorry for imposing. I assumed I'd be back with Kevin by now.
Rosa: Oh, couple's therapy isn't going well?
Captain Holt: Well, we're not back together, even after three full sessions. That's three hours, more if you include travel time.
Rosa: Why would I include travel time?
Captain Holt: It's a longer drive for me than for Kevin, so I'm putting in more effort.
Rosa: Hmm, I wonder why it's not going well.
Captain Holt: Well, Kevin says it's because so all I care about is work. But if that's true, why did I leave work 13 minutes early today to move in with you?

Rosa: Well, you can stay as long as you like. You're quiet, you're neat. You're the perfect roommate.
Captain Holt: I think Kevin would disagree. He told Dr. Cheryl I'm a sore loser at Scrabble. How would he know that when I win 78% of our matches?
Rosa: Wow, you're a lot chattier than I remember you being.
Captain Holt: Oh, sorry. I promise... I won't obsess about Kevin the whole time I'm here.
Rosa: Okay. Great.
Captain Holt: Although I may break that promise, because according to Kevin, I'm a liar.