Captain Holt: And then he called her Cheryl, not Dr. Cheryl, a clear attempt to delegitimize her. Obviously, I agree, she has zero legitimacy. [Rosa puts on headphones] I mean, she calls herself Dr. Cheryl. [time lapse] Then Kevin brings up how Cheddar's French comprehension has regressed. Cheddar's tutor says it's because we're not speaking enough at home. [time lapse] The worst part is we used to share socks. With an odd number, that was a tense negotiation.
Rosa: Enough! All you do is talk about Kevin. This needs to stop.
Captain Holt: I'm sorry... I wish I could stop thinking about him, but he was my husband for 20 years. If you know how I could just erase him from my memory, I'd love to hear it.
Rosa: We could get really drunk.
Captain Holt: Yes, let's try that.

Captain Holt: I'm sorry... I'm just panicking, thinking about what Kevin will do when he sees it.
Rosa: Wait, you don't think he's seen it yet?
Captain Holt: No, Kevin only checks his email once a day at exactly 4:00 p.m.
Rosa: You didn't text it to him?
Captain Holt: We're not teens.
Rosa: Let's delete it off his computer, then.
Captain Holt: Yes, that could work. Kevin has virtual office hours at 2:00 p.m. At the same time, Cheddar will be taking a French lesson with his tutor, Monsieur Arnaud. We only have one hour exactement.

Captain Holt: Here is Kevin's laptop.
Rosa: Great.
Charles: "Dear Kevin, attached please find a picture of my penis. Sincerely, Raymond Holt." Deleted. [Cheddar barks]
Captain Holt: Cheddar! Non, s'il vous plait, non. French class must have ended early.
Rosa: Shut up.
Captain Holt: Shh.
Kevin: [o.s.] Hello? Is someone upstairs?

Jake: Look, O'Sullivan said he could make my suspension go away if just "played ball." He's clearly trying to get me to lean on you to kill your program.
Captain Holt: This doesn't sound like a setup. O'Sullivan didn't make you arrest an innocent man.
Jake: Or did he? Think about it. Marzipan, who I never liked, by the way, was the one who gave me the address to the bus lot. I think he and O'Sullivan made sure there was a "suspect" there for me to arrest.
Captain Holt: You think the victim was a plant?
Jake: Well, I didn't believe it either until I checked the guy's file. Guess what he does for a living? Actor. Huh? Come on, sir, you hate actors!
Captain Holt: I don't hate actors. I hate colleges that award diplomas for acting.

Jake: Once I realized he was lying, I looked at his social media. He starts rehearsals for a rock musical in Florida on Monday.
Captain Holt: That tracks. Theater like that belongs in the swamps.
Jake: Well, yeah, obviously, I can't disagree, but the point is we're running out of time.

Captain Holt: Lastly, on a personal note, as many of you know, Kevin and I have recently reconciled.
Jake: Noice. Somebody's getting some.
Captain Holt: It's true. I am.

Captain Holt: Now, when we originally wed, we didn't know how long gay marriage would be legal, so we had a somewhat rushed ceremony.
[flashback:]
Justice of the Peace: Do you, Kevin...
Kevin: Yes.
Justice of the Peace: And do you...
Captain Holt: Yes. Yes, we do. We're married.
[present:]
Captain Holt: Kevin has always regretted it, so we're having a vow renewal ceremony. This time, we're pulling out all the stops. It's will be a truly extravagant affair.
Charles: Oh, how extravagant are we talking? Champagne pyramid?
Sergeant Jeffords: Destination wedding?
Jake: Celebrity officiant?
Captain Holt: We got the salad forks. Can you believe it, a second fork? Who do we think we are? [laughs] Oh, no. You're shocked at how garish it is. Now I don't even wanna tell you the other surprise I have in store for Kevin.
Jake: Wait, let me guess. You're getting bread plates?
Captain Holt: Don't be absurd. We're not crazy. No, the big surprise is... I'm retiring from the NYPD.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait.
Charles: What?
Jake: Why did you lead with the salad forks?

Jake: There you are. Why are you hiding?
Captain Holt: Oh, I was just looking at pornography. I felt an urgent need to watch some men taking a bath.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: Okay, fine, you caught me. I was checking my email.
Jake: And that's worse than watching porn?
Captain Holt: Much worse. Kevin can't know I'm working on our special day.

Kevin: Raymond? What are you all doing in here?
Captain Holt: Um... Peralta's watching porn.
Kevin: What?
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: Peralta's watching a handyman repair a squeaky door and then [bleep] his customer.
Kevin: Is that true, Jake?
Jake: ... [quietly] Yes.
Kevin: I wish I could say I was surprised.
Captain Holt: Told you it was a great cover.
Jake: Not for me!

Jake: Okay, if we wanna get past O'Sullivan's ma, we need undercover personas. I'm thinking you will be Maxwell Maxwell, international playboy and black ops specialist. He'd had affairs on every continent, but his true mistress is danger.
Captain Holt: I thought you learned your lesson about turning police work into movies.
Jake: Yeah, I did, but this is a movie about reform. I mean, isn't that a movie you'd wanna see?
Captain Holt: The only movie I wanna see is called The World of Mosses. It's a documentary about the world of mosses.
Jake: It sounds bad.
Captain Holt: Now, we will go in dressed as gas company employees named Mitch and Henry.
Jake: Ugh. At least tell me I'm Henry.
[later:]
Jake: Hello, ma'am. We're from the gas company. My name is... Mitch.

Jake: Okay, to get into the basement, we're gonna have to distract her, so here's what I'm thinking. Maxwell Maxwell turns on the charm. Unbutton your jumper and say, "The thing about gas lines is, "the pressure builds and builds and it just needs a little... release." [moans] You don't have to make that sound, but if I were you, I definitely would.
Captain Holt: No one will be talking about release or making the sound of a rodent in labor.
Jake: It was a sensuous moan, but fair enough.

Captain Holt: We just have to get the laptop so I can get back to Kevin. You will simply approach her and say...
[later:]
Jake: Ma'am, I need to check your water heater in the basement to make sure there's no leaks or blockages to the gas line.
Carol: You should maybe come back later when my son is home. He's better at this stuff.
Jake: Oh, it's just a quick check.
Carol: The answer is no.
Captain Holt: Sorry about him. He's a little abrasive. [unzips overalls] The name is Maxwell Maxwell.
Carol: Carol.
Captain Holt: You see, the thing about gas lines is, the pressure just builds and builds. Sometimes... it just needs a little release. [moans]
Carol: Well, we wouldn't want that. You can go down to the basement now, Mitch.
Jake: Yeah, sounds good. Have fun, you two.

Captain Holt: Well, I don't know anyone's phone number either, except for Kevin's, and obviously, we can't call him.
Jake: How do you not know a single phone number? I've literally watched you memorize the entire terms and conditions agreement for a credit card.
Captain Holt: True, but to make room for important information like that, I regularly purge my brain of useless facts like phone numbers or the names of people's children.
Jake: But you know the name of my son, right?
[flashbacks:]
Captain Holt: The little guy has his mother's eyes.
Jake: Yeah.
Captain Holt: Rough night with the little guy?
Captain Holt: Oh, hello there, the little guy.
[present:]
Jake: How did I never see that? Am I a bad detective?
Captain Holt: We don't have time to go into that.
Jake: It would've been much faster to just say, "No, you're great."

Jake: For Captain Holt and Amy's last day, I've been granted permission to throw a final non-holiday-associated heist.
Captain Holt: But before we begin, I'd like to say a few words. These last eight years have been some of the best of my life. I will always cherish our time together. But not as much as I will cherish drowning you all in your own blood.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: It's the final heist and I will chop off your limbs and feed them to your young. Now quit stalling and introduce it.
Jake: That's the spirit!

Jake: All right. Rosa Diaz, your partner will be the lovely Amy Santiago.
Captain Holt: Diaz, want to trade? Hitchcock, Scully, and the donkey, three for one? I'll even throw in Cheddar.
Rosa: Why? So he can spy on me?
Captain Holt: Oh, please. Cheddar's not a spy.
[Rosa opens the blinds to reveal Cheddar on the other side of the window]
Captain Holt: [over radio] Abort, she's onto us.
Jake: So Cheddar has an earpiece?