Jake: Hey, going pretty good, right?
Charles: Hell, yes. It's like a Bonnie Raitt concert in here.
Jake: No.

Adrian Pimento: Charles, this isn't looking good for you. Anybody else that might have done this? Any enemies?
Charles: Well, my dad's best friend and I have a pretty intense rivalry, but I don't think my aunt would do anything illegal.

Jake: Oh, my God, he had so much proof.
Charles: I can't believe he was on "Cash Cab" at the exact moment my truck burned down.
Jake: And he did so well. He named every member of The Monkees.
Charles: He even got Tork.
Jake: No one gets Tork.
Charles: I know.

Gina: Yes, you should do that, or you could just tell him what happened. I mean, he parked in two spots. It's kind of his fault. Just have some B-bone, Boyle.
Charles: You know that's my smallest bone.

Jake: So just to be clear, you think we're dealing with a "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" situation here?
Charles: Don't know, not familiar.
Jake: You made me watch it.

Charles: Here it is. Pappy Boyle's farm. I spent every summer here as a kid.
Jake: Got to say, it's nicer than I was expecting.
Charles: Pappy did well for himself. He went to business school in New York. He got a job in Wall Street. And one day his hand got caught in a subway door. And he was dragged from Times Square into Queens. Largest settlement in city history.

Charles: Curse this perfect butt.

Jake: You know, just put on a leather jacket and become a badass. You also need a chunky bracelet with fringe.
Charles: Wrong. Ever since Rosa gave me this baby, people have been treating me like I'm cool. The girl at the coffee shop even got the name on my cup right. It says "Charles," not "Cassie."
Amy: You know, I think it's ess about the jacket and more about the fact that you're feeling confident. Maybe this cool version of Charles was in there all along.
Charles: Amy, I love you, but that's insane. It's a magic jacket.

Charles: Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?
Charles: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?

Captain Holt: Now, what do we do about the rats?
Charles: Well, lucky for us, I have recently come into a lot of wolf urine.
Rosa: That's lucky for us how?
Charles: It creates a scent impression that there are predators nearby. I've been dousing Nikolaj's shoes with it to scare off bullies at his preschool.
Rosa: Did it work?
Charles: No, now they call him pee boy. He's much worse off. But wolf urine definitely scares off rats. We can use it to herd them toward the traps.

Jake: Hey there, Boyle. How was your weekend?
Charles: Well, actually I got a little sick.
Jake: Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that, man.
Charles: Yeah, "Bullets over Broadway" was on TV. And I came down with a big ol' Dianne Wiest infection. *silent stares between Jake and Charles* Like "yeast."

Jake: Charles, it looks amazing.
Amy: It's beautiful. How can I ever repay you?
Charles: Get pregnant. Use your body to give the world more Jake.
Jake: Holy crap. All right. I'm gonna take Charles away from you now. I will see you up there.

Jake: Come on, you know we didn't commit arson.
Charles: Adrian, this is us.
Jake: Not the TV show.
Charles: We are your friends.
Jake: Not the movie.
Charles: You got to have faith.
Jake: Not the song. Are you doing this on purpose?
Charles: The third one, yes.

Charles: Oh, my God, this is a dream come true. I gotta get my phone I gotta film this. Oh, but then I'll miss it. Oh, but I want it forever. Agh, but I should stay in the moment. Ah, but then I'll forget. Oh, my God, this is a nightmare.

Jake: Besides, if he does leave his room, my new partner will warn me.
Charles: New partner?
Jake: K-13.
Robot: Hello.
Jake: It's a robot! I can program it to wait outside Holt's door, and if there's any movement, it'll send us an alert.
Sergeant Jeffords: All right, I'm in, but only because your robot is so cool.
Charles: I don't know. It's not that cool. I mean, all he's doing is standing guard. I mean, I could do that.
Jake: Awesome, if you do that, then K-13 can come to the party. [mimics robot] I am programmed to boogie my butt.
Charles: No, I'm going to the party. People prefer me over a robot. Right?