Rosa: Black lights. What the hell?
Amy: Oh, my God. Our precinct is disgusting.
Charles: Dear God. Hitchcock and Scully's desk!

Jake: Did you know that my dream has always been to have my picture taken with a mountain of recovered cash?
Charles: And it's always been my dream to take that picture of you, Jake.

Charles: Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?
Charles: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?

Jake: Besides, if he does leave his room, my new partner will warn me.
Charles: New partner?
Jake: K-13.
Robot: Hello.
Jake: It's a robot! I can program it to wait outside Holt's door, and if there's any movement, it'll send us an alert.
Sergeant Jeffords: All right, I'm in, but only because your robot is so cool.
Charles: I don't know. It's not that cool. I mean, all he's doing is standing guard. I mean, I could do that.
Jake: Awesome, if you do that, then K-13 can come to the party. [mimics robot] I am programmed to boogie my butt.
Charles: No, I'm going to the party. People prefer me over a robot. Right?

Rosa: Ugh. I took too long getting back to Quinoa and they got mad and ended it.
Charles: And that's how it's done.
Rosa: What are you talking about?
Charles: The process worked. Boyles don't make decisions. We delay our decisions until the universe makes them for us. That way, we never make a wrong choice.
Rosa: That is very sad, but also, I guess it worked.

Charles: Rosa, stop. There is one more method. Ancient Boyles believed that suspending yourself by your feet forces your blood to the decision center of your brain. We call this method the "Upside-Down Coward."
Rosa: You want me to hang from the ceiling like a bat?
Charles: The bat is nature's most decisive animal.
Rosa: The creature that flails around frantically?
Charles: Those are all micro-decisions. Now, let's get you strapped up.

Charles: Cluck, cluck! Gobble, gobble! Guess who just came from the P.S. 321 Thanksgiving Parade?
Jake: Charles, you actually might-
Charles: Who's Charles? I'm Tommy Gobbler. And I'm stuffed with Thanksgiving happiness! Gobble, gobble!
Jake: Seriously, Charles-
Charles: Uh-uh, I warned you! I'm Tommy Gobbler, you silly pilgrim.
Jake: Okay, Tommy Gobbler.
Charles: There you go!
Jake: These are the Davidsons. They want to know what happened to their missing grandmother.
Charles: I have some deeply tragic news for you.

Sergeant Jeffords: There's no need to stress out. The lawyer's very confident.
Charles: Not good enough. I need to do everything I can to save Jake.
Sergeant Jeffords: Charles, you're falling apart. And that's not helping anyone. You need to get your crap in order.
Charles: Okay, you're right. I'll take a nap. I'll eat. I'll dye my pubes.
Sergeant Jeffords: You can dye all your hair.
Charles: No. There's no time.

Charles: Why does she want to meet with me? You think our cover's blown?
Amy: I don't know, but, just to be safe, let's review your backstory.
Charles: I went to Yeshiva med school, residency at Mount Sinai, my best friend is Yacob Peralberg, and we share everything with each other.
Amy: Can't imagine that last part coming up, but okay.

Rosa: Well, that should keep him busy for a bit.
Charles: That was smart, but I don't think we should mess with Cheddar too much.
Rosa: Why not? He's an animal.
Charles: Animals can be very vengeful, Rosa.
Rosa: Is this about Lieutenant...
Charles: Of course it's about Lieutenant Peanut Butter.
Rosa: Yeah.

Jake: Charles, tell us everything we're doing tonight.
Charles: Well, that could take a long time. I've been planning this bachelor party for ten years.
Jake: But I met Amy eight years ago.
Charles: What does she have to do with this? JK. I'm happy for you both.

Charles: Look, Sarge, I think everyone knows that I planted the idea in Jake's head eight years ago.
Amy: [flashback] Oh, hi, I'm starting today. Detective Santiago.
Jake: Oh, Detective Peralta. Welcome aboard.
Charles: I'm hearing wedding bells. Hi, Detective Boyle.
Amy: [present day] That actually really slowed things down. It took, like, four years for me to forget that memory.
Charles: Yeah, I'm my own worst enemy.

Captain Holt: Now, what do we do about the rats?
Charles: Well, lucky for us, I have recently come into a lot of wolf urine.
Rosa: That's lucky for us how?
Charles: It creates a scent impression that there are predators nearby. I've been dousing Nikolaj's shoes with it to scare off bullies at his preschool.
Rosa: Did it work?
Charles: No, now they call him pee boy. He's much worse off. But wolf urine definitely scares off rats. We can use it to herd them toward the traps.

Captain Holt: Ding, dong, the Wuntch is dead. Bagels for everyone!
Rosa: So I guess you believe it now.
Captain Holt: Yep. Wanna see the selfies I took?
Rosa: Actually, yes.
Captain Holt: I'll share the album with you.

Jake: Okay, so the neighbors say they haven't seen or heard any activity in the Buckleys' apartment, and- What is he doing here?
Charles: If we find James and he's unstable, Dr. Tate could talk him down.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Hello, Peralta.
Charles: Plus, on the ride over, he gave me a quickie.
Jake: A what?
Charles: A quick therapy session. We talked about so much. Did you know that I have a tendency to be unconsciously sexual?
Jake: Yes.
Charles: It's a real tough nut to bust.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Oh, you're doing it again.
Charles: Oh, okay, I think I hear it.
Jake: You think you hear it?