Jake: All right. I guess this is happening. Touch gloves. Charles, it's been very nice being your friend. Terry, I'll visit you in prison. And... [bell ringing] Fight.
Charles: Strawberry basket!
Sergeant Jeffords: [groans]
Charles: Whoo, yeah! You mess with Grandma, you're gonna get the basket!
Jake: Charles, you punched him in the nards.
Charles: Yeah, Nana fought nasty. Now if you don't mind, I'd like those tickets.

Charles: Why would you do that? Jake and Holt are like the '92 dream team.
Amy: I know you're not talking about sports, so who do you think the '92 Dream Team was?
Charles: Aladdin and Abu.
Amy: Right.

Jake: And you want us to just blindly trust Dr. Tate? He's a creepy therapist.
They all are. What kind of profession requires a couch?
Charles: Lots of them. My cousin Pam has a couch in his bird store. Would you call that creepy?
Jake: Yes! Decidedly so.
Charles: You always get upset when I bring up Pam.

Jake: So just to be clear, you think we're dealing with a "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" situation here?
Charles: Don't know, not familiar.
Jake: You made me watch it.

Jake: Melvin's import is in Queens. Let's just go there right now.
Charles: Oh, so they could just walk all over me in person instead of on the phone? Face it, Jake, I'm weak.
Jake: What? Don't talk like that. You're very strong, all right? And you're a parent now, which makes you even stronger. I mean, think about all those moms who literally lift buses off their kids every day.
Charles: Oh, so you're saying I should tap into my mommy strength.
Jake: Yeah, or daddy strength, but whatever.
Charles: Right, time to put some daddy into my mommy.
Jake: Gotta be a better way to phrase that, let's go.

Jake: Wait, stop talking. I'm hearing something in the background. What is that, a train and a girl whimpering?
Charles: That's me; I'm so scared you're not gonna find me.

Gina: Yes, you should do that, or you could just tell him what happened. I mean, he parked in two spots. It's kind of his fault. Just have some B-bone, Boyle.
Charles: You know that's my smallest bone.

Captain Holt: Boyle, I thought you should know. I just got Gertie back from the garage. She looks as good as new. Better, even, because after 12 years, they finally got the Annie Lennox cassette out of the tape player.
Charles: Oh, I love her.

Charles: Cluck, cluck! Gobble, gobble! Guess who just came from the P.S. 321 Thanksgiving Parade?
Jake: Charles, you actually might-
Charles: Who's Charles? I'm Tommy Gobbler. And I'm stuffed with Thanksgiving happiness! Gobble, gobble!
Jake: Seriously, Charles-
Charles: Uh-uh, I warned you! I'm Tommy Gobbler, you silly pilgrim.
Jake: Okay, Tommy Gobbler.
Charles: There you go!
Jake: These are the Davidsons. They want to know what happened to their missing grandmother.
Charles: I have some deeply tragic news for you.

Charles: It's our first annual Boyle-Linetti Christmas. Are you excited about going to town on Daddy's nog?
Gina: Christmas is cancelled. Charles ruined it.

Charles: I mean, the problem is, we only have one fax machine, and it takes four minutes per page. It's Logjam City, Jake. Logjam City!

Jake: Guys, what the hell is going on?
Hitchcock: Hitchcock and Scully saved the day.
Amy: No, you plugged ten fax machines into one outlet and caused a fire.
Scully: But I pointed to the fire extinguisher and was like, "The fire extinguisher's over there."
Charles: You pointed at the toaster oven!

Amy: It's happening. Put on your head.
Charles: Oh, with pleasure. I love disappearing into a role. I'm Argyle James Hopford, a bachelor bunny who's carrying out a scandalous affair with a local goose.
Amy: Shut up and put on your damn head!

Charles: Well, Isabel, your baby's head is the perfect size.
Amy: Oh, thank you, doctor.
Charles: Still gonna hurt when it comes out. Get ready for that.

Rosa: Hey, what's going on here? I didn't realize we had more questions to ask Mr.
Gotaro together.
Charles: Oh, we don't. I asked Mr. Gotaro all of them. Wait, hold on. "Gotaro." Isn't that a Andalusian name?
Mr. Gotaro: Yeah.
Charles: What a weird coincidence. Pardon me, Detective Diaz. Last night, I cooked up a ton of Andalusian baby eels.
Rosa: Unbelievable.
Mr. Gotaro: I love angula. I mean, it's impossible to find here.
Charles: Oh, not if you have a ton of disposable income and great credit, like I do.
I think you're gonna love these. I really buttered them up.