Gintars: Please. I'm in town for 10 more days. Let Nikolaj know I exist. Let me spend time with him. I could take him to Russian bathhouse. Has he been?
Charles: No! I'm not some weirdo that takes my eight-year-old to the Russian bath! We take our baths at home together as a family like normal people!
Jake: Not sure you have the upper hand on that storm-off, Boyle.

Genevieve: Does Charles have a girlfriend?
Charles: I just saw her mouth my name. What did she say? Is she asking if I'm circumcised?
Jake: What? No! Who asks that? Stop interrupting.

Gallery owner: Get out of here.
Charles: Fine, but we're taking this. Because you don't deserve that memory.
Gallery owner: That painting's $95,000.
Charles: I don't want it anyway. Your penis was on it.

Charles: I know you think my judgement's clouded because I like her a little bit.
Jake: You doodled your wedding invitation.
Charles: No, that's our joint tombstone.
Jake: My mistake.

Charles: Rosa, stop. There is one more method. Ancient Boyles believed that suspending yourself by your feet forces your blood to the decision center of your brain. We call this method the "Upside-Down Coward."
Rosa: You want me to hang from the ceiling like a bat?
Charles: The bat is nature's most decisive animal.
Rosa: The creature that flails around frantically?
Charles: Those are all micro-decisions. Now, let's get you strapped up.

Charles: My hunch is that it's a jealous ex-lover. Girl like that, three dogs, makes her own turkey stock, that's the kind of woman you don't get over.

Charles: It's just- Adoption is complicated. No matter how much I want to be, I'm not Nikolaj's real father.
Jake: Come on, Charles. Of course you are.
Charles: Well, that'll be up to him. And he may even change his mind about it throughout his life. I mean, all I can do is make him feel safe and give him as much love as I can.
Jake: Well, I think Nikolaj is very lucky to have you.
Charles: Nikolaj.

Charles: Oh, my God. I'm too late. You're already seduced by Doug Judy's wiles.
Jake: Okay, I appreciate the concern, but Doug has changed. This was an old crime, and he's already owned up to it. He's not trying to escape.
Charles: He's already out of his handcuffs.
Jake: Just so we can do our sweet-ass outfit change.
Doug Judy: Tigers and toucans!
Jake: Tigers and toucans!
Charles: Obviously, they're fantastic, but Jake, by trusting him, you're putting your job on the line, which means you're also putting my job on the line.
Jake: How so?
Charles: Because if you get fired, I will swim out into the ocean until I'm too tired to swim back and I will sink to the bottom and then I won't have a job.
Jake: Oh, my God.

Charles: So what? You have money now, and you're just gonna take Nikolaj back?
Gintars: No, no, I don't want to take boy from you. I just want to meet him one time. Look, I know it's lot to ask, but, please. Nikolaj is my sex result.
Charles: Oh, yeah? Well, I walk your sex result to school every morning.
Jake: No, don't use his words.
Charles: I help your sex result with his homework.
Jake: This is bad, even for you.
Charles: I sing your sex result a lullaby every night.
Jake: I just wanna do something.

Amy: Put on a T-shirt for all I care. It doesn't matter what you wear.
Charles: Of course it matters. He has to wear the smaller checks. Big checks wash him out. Where are you, Amy?

Charles: Uh-oh, I know that strut. Little hip swing, playful butt bounce... Somebody made a collar!
Jake: Not loving you talking about my butt bounce, but, also, hell, yeah, someone collared a big dog!
Charles: Woof, woof!

Jake: And you want us to just blindly trust Dr. Tate? He's a creepy therapist.
They all are. What kind of profession requires a couch?
Charles: Lots of them. My cousin Pam has a couch in his bird store. Would you call that creepy?
Jake: Yes! Decidedly so.
Charles: You always get upset when I bring up Pam.

Jake: NYPD! Open up! That's weird. The door's unlocked.
Charles: That's too bad. I love watching you pound one out.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Charles.
Charles: What? That was sexual? Which part?
Jake: All of the parts.

Charles: Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?
Charles: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?

Jake: Hey, donut holes. Don't mind if I do.
Eurgh! Fish? Fish donuts, Boyle? What is wrong with you?
Charles: It's takoyaki. I'm drowning my sorrows in octopus balls.