Captain Holt: Boyle?
Charles: [crying] Nikolaj is a picky eater! I lied about his palate. All he drinks is milk. All he eats is buttered noodles.
Captain Holt: And perhaps my walnut pie?
Charles: I wish. He hates nuts. My son is a basic bitch.

Charles: You could eat off his shirt.
Captain Holt: Why would I ever eat off his shirt?

Captain Holt: And now it's time to send in our cute little secret weapon.
Charles: I'm ready, Captain. I love the nickname.
Captain Holt: No, Charles, not you. I was talking about Cheddar.
Charles: Oh, right, obviously.

Charles: I got aroused last night watching a nature documentary on bees. I was fine until they went inside the hive.

Charles: Move your ass, you old bitch!
Jake: What is happening?
Charles: We have to get there by 7:00 when they lift the parking restrictions. It's the best spot in Brooklyn, and everyone wants it. Get the hell out of the way!

Charles: Troy's not home, but I say we wait. I have some hard questions for that rice pudding bastard.

Charles: Is that a Serbian accent? It is. Write that down for later. I'll see you in six hours.

Charles: But please hurry. They're torturing me like James Bond in "Casino Royale". It's all groin stuff!

Jake: All right, here's the deal. Terry's coin fell out of his pocket, and we lost it. We just didn't have the heart to tell you.
Charles: Oh, no. That cost $800. All right, Terry will pay me back later.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?

Amy: Thanks for getting Jake there in time.
Charles: Oh, don't thank me. The real hero is Lieutenant Peanut Butter.
Jake: No, it was all you, Charles. Or should I say... Uncle Charles.
Charles: Chee-Chee.
Jake: Don't ruin this moment for yourself.
Charles: Uncle Charles it is.

Gina: Charles, weirdly, you're kind of the person I'm the closest to here. Don't say why.
Charles: Because I was your brother and your lover? Sorry, I can't control my tongue around you.
Gina: All right, well, here.
Charles: The Boyle family mother dough starter! I'll think of you every time I handle her.
Gina: Oh, man. You know, I never really understood the logic behind the two of us. But I love you and I'm gonna miss you.
Charles: I'm gonna miss you too, Gina.

Amy: I'm sorry, Charles, but there is no story sad enough to save you now.
Charles: Challenge accepted. Once, as a tween, I got my penis entirely-
Amy: Okay, stop! No, no, no, no, no.

Gina: Charles, what are you doing?
Charles: Damn it, Gina. What does it look like I'm doing? I'm trying to unlock your phone using a mask of your face so I can find out why your mom left my dad.

Jake: Why are you acting this way?
Charles: 'Cause I made a promise to my son. You can't understand 'cause you're not a father. You never will be.
Jake: Hey, yes, I will!
Charles: When, Jake? We're all waiting.
Jake: What are we even arguing about now?
Charles: It's about me saving Christmas, duh. Oh, damn it, my pants are snagged.
Jake: Ha-hah! Now you have to wait for backup.
Charles: No, I don't. I'm gonna shimmy them off.
Jake: Oh, God, the eye contact is the worst part.
Charles: Ah. I told you, Jake. I'll do anything to perk up my little man.
Jake: You gotta know how gross that sounds in your underwear.

Jake: We should go. We've been here too long. This is getting dangerous.
Charles: Well, danger is my maiden name.
Jake: Middle name.