Charles: Lucky for you, Amy, I am an unlicensed doula. I've delivered three of my cousins and one of my uncles long story.
Jake: Go away!
Charles: Yes, Papa.

Charles: Gather round, y'all. It's time to play "Who Wore It Best?"
Sergeant Jeffords: I'd really rather not.
Charles: Because you're a wittle chicken? Who wore it best? Who wore it best? Who wore it beeest?
All: Terry.
Charles: What? Come on!
Jake: You should change, Boyle. [Charles starts undressing] Not here!

Gina: Mm-kay. It's fine. You might as well know. I am with child.
Amy: Congratulations.
Charles: Yes, I'm gonna be an uncle. I'm gonna be an uncle. All right, someone take a picture of me kissing her belly.
Gina: Negative, get out.

Teddy: Well, for what it's worth, your precinct is immaculate. I'm sure that your new auditor, Lieutenant Hopkins, will be very impressed.
Sergeant Jeffords: Veronica Hopkins?
Teddy: That's the one.
Jake: Well, the good news is, Amy has not dated her.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, but I did, and she hates me.
Charles: Why can't any of you keep it in your pants?

Amy: I'm sorry, Charles, but there is no story sad enough to save you now.
Charles: Challenge accepted. Once, as a tween, I got my penis entirely-
Amy: Okay, stop! No, no, no, no, no.

Gina: Charles, what are you doing?
Charles: Damn it, Gina. What does it look like I'm doing? I'm trying to unlock your phone using a mask of your face so I can find out why your mom left my dad.

Jake: Why are you acting this way?
Charles: 'Cause I made a promise to my son. You can't understand 'cause you're not a father. You never will be.
Jake: Hey, yes, I will!
Charles: When, Jake? We're all waiting.
Jake: What are we even arguing about now?
Charles: It's about me saving Christmas, duh. Oh, damn it, my pants are snagged.
Jake: Ha-hah! Now you have to wait for backup.
Charles: No, I don't. I'm gonna shimmy them off.
Jake: Oh, God, the eye contact is the worst part.
Charles: Ah. I told you, Jake. I'll do anything to perk up my little man.
Jake: You gotta know how gross that sounds in your underwear.

Gina: Charles, weirdly, you're kind of the person I'm the closest to here. Don't say why.
Charles: Because I was your brother and your lover? Sorry, I can't control my tongue around you.
Gina: All right, well, here.
Charles: The Boyle family mother dough starter! I'll think of you every time I handle her.
Gina: Oh, man. You know, I never really understood the logic behind the two of us. But I love you and I'm gonna miss you.
Charles: I'm gonna miss you too, Gina.

Amy: Some things are worth clinging to. I was wrong. Or Niles Bunkampf, the inventor of Munkensmat, was wrong.
Rosa: Yeah, that guy's an idiot.
Amy: Was an idiot. He got rid of all his objects, including his clothes, and froze to death in a snowdrift.
Charles: Why didn't you tell us that before we burned all our treasures? Eight framed photos of my dad, up in flames.

Jake: We should go. We've been here too long. This is getting dangerous.
Charles: Well, danger is my maiden name.
Jake: Middle name.

Jake: Also, great chest hair.
Charles: Ah, Genevieve calls it "the plume of Boyle".
Jake: Aww, that's so yucky.

Jake: Charles, why did you let Terry choose boxing?
Charles: He didn't. I picked it.
Jake: But you'll die.
Charles: Don't worry about it. Boxing's in my blood. My Nana Boyle boxed in the Navy.
Jake: I'm sure she did but... and hear me out... what if you're not as strong as your Nana Boyle?
Charles: I can handle myself. She taught me her signature punch; the Strawberry Basket.
Jake: That does not reassure me.

Jake: Hey there, big guy. You sure you're feeling okay about ending Charles' life?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yep, my girls are gonna see this movie.
Jake: Right, well, before you commit manslaughter, I do feel compelled to tell you that the movie only has a 38 on Rotten Tomatoes.
Scully: Jake, stop yapping and let them fight.
Hitchcock: I wanna see the big guy pop the little guy's head off.
Charles: Yeah, let's start the fight! I wanna pop that little guy's head off!
Jake: You're clearly the little guy.
Charles: [laughs] Good one, Jake.

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Anyway, there was this big drug bust going down.
I showed up, spooked the kingpin. He darts for the front door, trips, shoots himself in the stomach accidentally, and then after that everybody pretty much surrendered very quickly and they made me a captain about a week later.
Charles: Didn't you have to pass the exams? Like, wasn't there, like, an interview where they met you and ... heard you speak?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Presumably.

Charles: Well, this checkbook is only on 304, so I can write checks all day long.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, you know what? Here's my watch.
Charles: Yeah, melt this down.