Jake: Why are you acting this way?
Charles: 'Cause I made a promise to my son. You can't understand 'cause you're not a father. You never will be.
Jake: Hey, yes, I will!
Charles: When, Jake? We're all waiting.
Jake: What are we even arguing about now?
Charles: It's about me saving Christmas, duh. Oh, damn it, my pants are snagged.
Jake: Ha-hah! Now you have to wait for backup.
Charles: No, I don't. I'm gonna shimmy them off.
Jake: Oh, God, the eye contact is the worst part.
Charles: Ah. I told you, Jake. I'll do anything to perk up my little man.
Jake: You gotta know how gross that sounds in your underwear.

Jake: We should go. We've been here too long. This is getting dangerous.
Charles: Well, danger is my maiden name.
Jake: Middle name.

Jake: Also, great chest hair.
Charles: Ah, Genevieve calls it "the plume of Boyle".
Jake: Aww, that's so yucky.

Charles: I was gonna chop the heck out of this bastard, but then he looked me in the eye, and I realized that nature is beautiful.
Sergeant Jeffords: He scratched you up real bad, didn't he?
Charles: Yep, he got me good.

Captain Holt: And now it's time to send in our cute little secret weapon.
Charles: I'm ready, Captain. I love the nickname.
Captain Holt: No, Charles, not you. I was talking about Cheddar.
Charles: Oh, right, obviously.

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Anyway, there was this big drug bust going down.
I showed up, spooked the kingpin. He darts for the front door, trips, shoots himself in the stomach accidentally, and then after that everybody pretty much surrendered very quickly and they made me a captain about a week later.
Charles: Didn't you have to pass the exams? Like, wasn't there, like, an interview where they met you and ... heard you speak?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Presumably.

Charles: So here it is. I really hope you like it. But if you don't, I will kill myself.

Jake: All right, here's the deal. Terry's coin fell out of his pocket, and we lost it. We just didn't have the heart to tell you.
Charles: Oh, no. That cost $800. All right, Terry will pay me back later.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?

Charles: But please hurry. They're torturing me like James Bond in "Casino Royale". It's all groin stuff!

Charles: Is that a Serbian accent? It is. Write that down for later. I'll see you in six hours.

Charles: Troy's not home, but I say we wait. I have some hard questions for that rice pudding bastard.

Charles: Move your ass, you old bitch!
Jake: What is happening?
Charles: We have to get there by 7:00 when they lift the parking restrictions. It's the best spot in Brooklyn, and everyone wants it. Get the hell out of the way!

Charles: Mmm, texting. That's the most intimate thing you can do to a lover with your fingers. Other than washing their hair.

Jake: Getting in a little late there, Boyle. Where ya' been?
Charles: Cursing out my own shadow for hanging out with a loser like me. Also, an eye doctor appointment.

Charles: I wish I didn't have a heart.
I'm off to the cheese shop.
And I'm buying by the wheel.
The cheese wheel.
Jake: Yeah, I got it.