Captain Holt: Now, with the internet being down, we'll have to do all the paperwork by hand. Would you two be okay with staying late tonight?
Charles: Well, I was gonna slow-cook a goose, but I guess I could normal cook her.

Charles: You butternuts ready to get squashed?

Rosa: Hey, you're off the floor.
Charles: Yeah. Well, it's like my dad used to say. "Real men don't cry for more than three days." So I decided to get my butt back to work.

Charles: Jason was part of my family, Rosa. I loved him. His humping was the only thing that got me through my divorce. Seeing him so happy made me believe that I could be happy one day too. You wouldn't understand this because you have a motorcycle helmet for a heart, but I need to feel this sadness. So the only thing that I'm moving on from is you.

Charles: This huge apartment. What is this, like, 1800 sq ft. Exposed brick. Got tons of natural light.
Rosa: Weird. I thought you'd be most exciting about the gas range.
Charles: (gasps) They have a gas range!

Charles: Okay, but you're making a big mistake. Nobody sucks up like a Boyle. Of course, you knew that already because you're so smart. I just did it to you.

Rosa: Fine, little man. Bring it.
Charles: Okay. Looks like you and I are in a good, old-fashioned suck-off.
Rosa: Don't call it a suck-off.
Charles: Why not? Why shouldn't- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally, yep. Mm-hmm. Right. Smart. Good.

Charles: All hail the birthday boy. (fires a confetti cannon)
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, what the hell was that?
Jake: Charles, probably shouldn't have done that in a police station.
Charles: And not celebrate your birthday properly? I'd rather get shot.
Jake: You do you, Boyle.
Charles: I'm doing me!

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, I've been looking for you guys. I just talked to our perp's attorney. He's claiming the drugs you seized in the bathroom - weren't his.
Charles: What?
Rosa: But we saw him throw them in the garbage.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. Normally, it'd be your word against his, but lucky for us, you were wearing body cams!
Charles: Yeah, but the thing about cameras is that they don't really tell the full objective truth. Images can be distorted. People often seem naked.

Charles: Totally get it. My first partner was also pretty cool. Everyone called us "Chucky and the Coot."

Jake: Hey, you know what else is too tight? Us working a case together again.
Stevie: Swurt.
Jake: Whoo!
Charles: Yeah, we say "noice," not "swurt."

Captain Holt: What are you doing? You just insulted our celebrity victim to his face.
Charles: You keep saying "celebrity," but he's drying his socks on a George Foreman grill.

Captain Holt: Are you stealing kitchen supplies?
Classical Musician: Just let us have this stuff. You have so much, and we have so little.
Captain Holt: Perhaps I'll just buy you a drink instead.
Charles: Yeah, that would be best. Classical musicians are savages.

Adrian Pimento: Well, there's nothing funny about what I did for The Butcher. I've had to learn not to blink, because every time I close my eyes, I see a fresh horror.
Jake: Ooh, dark.
Charles: But how do you keep your eyes moist?

Charles: Mean Marge won't clean up the stew. And also, she suspended our trash service.
Amy: What happened? You didn't grovel enough, did you?
Charles: Seriously, Amy, you're gonna ask Charles Boyle if he groveled enough? Come on!