Captain Holt: You got this.
Sergeant Jeffords: You got this.
Charles: You got this.
Jake: Charles, you're-
Charles: In a wheelchair, yep. My back gave out when I was dyeing my pubes. I was only halfway done. I'm like Cruella de Vil down there.

Charles: We're not going anywhere. The flight is booked, and there's already a huge stand-by line.
Amy: What? We have to get on that plane. Were you stern?
Charles: Amy, you know I wasn't.

Charles: Darn it. I had a belly dancing class. Tonight was Egyptian undulation.
Gina: Oooh, show us some moves.
Charles: Sure.
Captain Holt: Dismissed!

Jake: Rosa has every right to be angry. I didn't listen to her and I messed up her task force. The only way to make this up to her is to do the worst, most awful thing imaginable.
Charles: Dip your penis in vinegar.
Jake: What? No! Why would you say that?
Charles: In Sunday school they said the Babylonians did that to their enemies. I've been terrified ever since.

Amy: Anyway, gentlemen, we are off to catch some more convicts. Two more, and we win.
Charles: Huh, just two? (SCOFFS) No sweat. Literally.
Jake: Get out of here. Take those glass cutters with you.
Charles: Oh, these lil' ol' things? [Charles licks his finger and lightly touches his rear-end while making a sizzling sound] Tsst.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Jake: Why'd you put your finger in the middle?

Charles: Come on, focus, Jake.My boy's happiness is at stake. I mean, read the email Genevieve just sent me. Skip the part about her bra.
Jake: Impossible, it's in all caps, bolded. Oh, here we go: "Nik-Nik is so excited you're getting him Captain Latvia." And then there's a photo of him karate chopping a cat.
Charles: Oh, yeah, that's Captain Latvia's move, the Riga Hammer. You hit a guy here, he goes down instantly.
Jake: Sounds a little far-fetched.
Charles: Okay, well, tell that to Captain Latvia's enemies. Oh, wait, you can't ... because they're unconscious.

Charles: Hey there, jokers. I got a joke for you: What did one Estonian farmer say to the other? Our crop yields are so much smaller than that of mighty Latvia.

Gina: Did you change your mind about the whispering? 'Cause we came up with some dandies. I heard she's a day drinker.
Charles: I heard she doesn't like me. I actually did hear that. Officer Thomas told me.

Jake: Hey, buddy. I'm sorry about Genevieve.
Charles: It's okay. I'm resigned to my life of solitude. Just me and my five dogs.
Jake: Wait. I thought you only had three dogs?
Charles: I just adopted two online right now.
Oh, this pitbull hates kids. That's fine. I'll never have any. Add to cart.

Jake: Not that it's any of your business, Boyle, but the person I'm taking on a date is a girl from the gym.
Charles: What? Why is this the first time I'm hearing about her? Or that you go to the gym?
Jake, avoid the weights. Nobody wants you turning into another Terry. Ugh.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey! People like the way that I look.
Charles: Sure they do, Big Guy.

Charles: Do you wanna know why she went out with him and not you?
Jake: Yeah.
Charles: Because he actually asked her out.

Gina: Charles, you know I legally can't answer. Do you want me to have my baby in jail?
Charles: All right, no more questions. Only statements. You are glowing. Brother to sister, you've never looked sexier.
Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, man.

Rosa: Hey. So you know how Alicia and I broke up because she moved to London, then we tried to make it work, but the distance was too much and we broke up again?
Charles: No. The last thing you told me about yourself was that you were bi.

Jake: Brace yourselves. You're about to look into the face of pure evil.
Captain Julie Kim: Ah, good morning, good morning, good morning. I'm Captain Julie Kim.
Charles: And I'm Chuck. If you want results, stay the hell out of my way. [tosses coffee cup]
Captain Julie Kim: Okay, wow, I guess I know who the office badass is.

Charles: Mommy is out of town and we are gonna party!
Gina: You call your ex-wife Mommy?
Charles: Not conciously.