Sergeant Jeffords: Cooperation instead of punishment. Damn, Boyle, that is some advanced level parenting right there.
Charles: I learned from the best-
Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you.
Charles: Lorelai from "Gilmore Girls."
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay.
Charles: I guess being a daddy just comes naturally to me.

Sergeant Jeffords: Face it, Charles, we couldn't make 'em get along. We failed as parents.
Charles: Why did I think I knew what I was doing? Poor Nikolaj. His life is ruined.

Charles: So what's really going on with Gina? Wait. You don't think-
Sergeant Jeffords: That she hates work and doesn't wanna be here? Yeah, I do think.
Charles: No, that she's pregnant. It all makes sense now. Last week, I brought in unpasteurized boar's milk and she refused to drink any.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not a real convincing argument, Boyle.

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God, look what Gina was working on.
Charles: "Volcano," "Tibia," "JerHonor," "Concretius," "The Enigma". Oh, she's lost her mind.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, look at what the file is called.
Charles: BabyNames.doc. You guys, Gina's gonna have a baby.

Charles: The daddy's a Property Brother, isn't he? It's a Property Baby.

Charles: You guys, I found out why Gina lied about the non-disclosure agreement.
Sergeant Jeffords: Because of how invasive and crazy you are?
Charles: Oh, Terry, you gullible little rube.It's because of which cousin it is. That's right. I found out which Boyle seed did the deed.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Boyle. How you doing there, bud?
Charles: I'm fine. I'm great.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, I hear your mouth say that, but the rest of your head is telling a different story. Feels like the stress of the upcoming trial is starting to get to you.
Charles: Oh, is this about my hair turning white?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, definitely.
Charles: It's not just the head hair. It's all of it. All. Of. It.
Sergeant Jeffords: I get it.
Charles: It's like an Eagles concert down there. Nothing but whites.
Sergeant Jeffords: Understood. You got white pubes.

Charles: Hey, you know how I've always wanted to have another child? Well, it's happening!
Jake: Genevieve is pregnant? But I thought your "meh-err" no longer made "whoo-oo."
Charles: Correct. My testes no longer make sperm.
Jake: I was good with "meh-err" and "whoo-oo."

Charles: But how do we get there? We don't have a car.
Jake: But we do have a van.
[cut to Charles and Jake driving in in the "Beaver Trap"]
Charles: Yeah, we should have taken a Lyft.
Jake: I feel like a predator. This isn't our car!
Charles: It's a loaner.
Jake: We respect women!
Charles: I'm still with her!

Jake: It was not a sexy nickname! It was a scarlet letter, and it ruined my senior year ... but luckily, I'm over all that now.
Charles: Not me. I'm gonna go to this reunion tonight and kick Brandon Bliss in the butthole.
Jake: Horrifying, but that won't be necessary, Charles, for my awesome life will do the butthole-kicking this eve.

Rosa: Well, a lot has happened since then. Anyway, I'm dating two other people.
Charles: So much juice at one time. I'm drowning.
Rosa: Oh, gross. Charles, this is why I don't tell you anything.

Charles: Okay, this is the Boyle decision-making manual. One of these sections will help you with choosing your partner. Here we go. What do you prefer, eyes or butt, brains or body?
Rosa: Brains.
Charles: Uh Sorry, no, that's for deciding lunch.
Rosa: Horrifying.

Charles: Oh, I found the romance section. Now, first, I will need the names of the two people you're choosing between.
Rosa: I will not be telling you any information about them.
Charles: No problem. We can work with that. I will just call them by their initials.
Rosa: No.
Charles: I will call them "Couscous" and "Quinoa."
Rosa: Whatever.
Charles: Okay, now, for this to work right, you need to answer these questions without thinking. Who makes you laugh more?
Rosa: Quinoa.
Charles: Who has softer lips?
Rosa: Couscous.
Charles: A new Cirque du Soleil's in town. You have the two best seats in the house. Who are you bringing?
Rosa: Is this a reward or a punishment?
Charles: You decide.
Rosa: Quinoa.
Charles: Great. Next question: You die and become a ghost. The rules of the afterlife are that of the movie "Casper." Whose house would you rather haunt?
Rosa: How many more of these questions are there?
Charles: 309.

Charles: I know what you need. An insane devil stick performance. I have a brand-new routine that is steamy.
Jake: Boyle, we're looking for splashy, not steamy, but thank you.
Charles: Well, steam is what you get when you add splash to fire.
Jake: And we will not keep you in mind.

Sergeant Jeffords: What are you doing here, Gina?
Charles: Are you back? Did my begging change your mind?