Amy: I can't believe what I'm about to do.
[later:]
Amy: Charles, I need your help.
Charles: I'm not gonna gloat. I'm just happy he's getting the care he needs.
Amy: Okay, you might wanna be a little less cocky until after you actually get him down. Because, you know, some babies are just fussy and there's nothing that anyone can... Oh, my God, is he asleep?
Charles: [whispering] So can I be cocky now?

Charles: Amy! Hi! Hi, Amy!
Amy: Hi. Look, I just wanted to say thank you for getting Mac to sleep. I was being really stubborn earlier, and I guess what I'm trying to say is can I please have your nip tips?
Charles: You don't want my nip tips, those crusty old things.

Amy: Charles!
Charles: Amy! I was just doing a little handiwork, you know, fixing up the old house.
Amy: I know you locked my son in there.
Charles: I'm sorry. I tried everything. Maybe he'll be happy growing up in that room.
Amy: Oh, shut up, Charles!

Captain Holt: This is bogus. The officer called in a to-go order under the name Tom. The restaurant had no idea he was a cop when they made the food or packed the bag. So, clearly, he wasn't targeted for "being a police officer."
Charles: I've always wanted to try mouse meat. I hear it's really tasty.
Jake: From who?

Captain Holt: I haven't gone through decades of hell to become a captain in the NYPD just to cave to a clown like O'Sullivan. We can't let him win, and we won't.
Sergeant Jeffords: But how? What are we gonna do?
Captain Holt: I'm initiating Operation Trident.
Charles: Cool. Just like the sugarless gum... Because we're gonna chew them up.

Captain Holt: Ah, there they are... prong one, my most important prong.
Jake: Oh, thank you. Nice of you to finally recognize what our prong brings to this.
Charles: Life is a cruel prank played on the living. Death mocks us all. Time to go tell my son he'll be an orphan... again.
Jake: So, yeah. Prong one pretty much broke immediately. I'm gonna call HR. Get ahead of that butt.

Captain Holt: Peralta, where are we with the doctor?
Jake: We're gonna tail him and see if he contacts O'Sullivan.
Captain Holt: Smart. And, uh, what is going on with Detective Boyle? Is he okay?
Jake: Oh, you mean why is he face-deep in cheese? Yeah, it's made from the milk of a Balkan donkey and apparently it's quite expensive.
Charles: Spent twelve thou on ass cheese.
Jake: Also, he's pretending like he doesn't know what ass cheese sounds like.
Amy: Are you sure he should be working?
Jake: His doctor said there's nothing to worry about until we get the actual test results back. And Charles said that work is the only thing keeping him from thinking about death.
Charles: Coat's to keep me warm... in my grave.
Jake: I mean, he's not doing great.

Charles: Dr. Mintleman's just working his normal job and not being a criminal. I can't believe this is how I'm spending my final days.
Jake: Maybe it doesn't have to be. Screw this case. What's something you've always wanted to do? Do you have a bucket list?
Charles: Well, yeah, but, I mean, it's only one item.
Jake: Great. Whatever it is, we're doing it.
Charles: Live to be 110.
Jake: Come on!
Charles: I thought I found a loophole!

Charles: [cell phone rings] Oh. Oh, God. It's my biopsy results.
Jake: What does it say?
Charles: I don't know. I'm too nervous. I can't read it.
Jake: It's not cancer.
Charles: Not cancer.
Jake: It's an infection, and it's highly treatable.
Charles: I'm not gonna die?
Jake: You're not gonna die!
Charles: Oh, we got to celebrate. Does it say if it's safe to ride a two-person banana boat?
Jake: I don't know. Let me check. It doesn't say.
Charles: Oh, well...

Charles: How did your prints end up on a wrench that was sent to this police station?
Eric: That wrench went missing two weeks ago. I thought someone took it out of the back of my truck.
Jake: Of course, that sounds...
Charles: Totally reasonable, Eric.
Jake: Or should I call you by your real name?
Charles: Johnny Franzia.
Eric: I don't know who that is.
Charles: Uh-oh. Something stinks. Something stinks real bad. Did you poop?
Eric: No.
Jake: You did. You pooped.
Charles: Oh, God, it's everywhere.
Jake: What did you eat, buddy?
Eric: Today? I had some oatmeal.
Charles: Here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna lie you down, I'm gonna take your pants off, and I'm gonna wipe your little tushy.
Eric: What is going on?
Charles: I actually have the same question. Hold on one second. Jake?

Charles: The name of the game is called, "Who Knows Mo', Friend Or Foe, Are You Fo' Real Or Just Fo' Show?"
Jake: Little wordy.
Charles: Each contestant will answer and ask ten personal questions. Whoever gets the most correct answers will be crowned the better friend.
Doug Judy: Also, there is that whole "going to prison or not" thing.
Charles: America can't relate to the prison stuff; it's too real. It's a game about friendship, and may the better friend win.

Charles: [sings] ♪ Oh, who could take a sunrise ♪ ♪ Sprinkle it with dew ♪ [laughs] ♪ Cover it in chocolate ♪ ♪ And a miracle or two? ♪ ♪ The candy man can ♪
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, so you're just gonna do your business all out in the open like some common candy ho?
Charles: You're just jealous.

Jake: Oh, Charles. I'm so sorry about your great-uncle Pappy. You holding up okay?
Charles: I've been managing.
Sergeant Jeffords: Mm... Have you though?
[flashback:]
Charles: Number two, step up. Say, "Charles, it's Pappy. I'll always love you."
Perp Number Two: Okay. Uh, "Charles, it's Pappy. I'll always love you."
Charles: [wails] Then why did you leave me?

Sergeant Jeffords: Ew. Pappy should've used that cash on pest control. There's giant rats everywhere.
Charles: Those are nutria, Terry. They're nothing like rats. They have meatier haunches, and their teeth are more orange. You know, nutria are actually great pets. They're affectionate and smart. They know how to open doors. Plus, you can milk them.
Jake: But... should you?
Charles: Pappy drank nutria milk, and he was fit as a fiddle. Anyway, you got to see the house. I can't wait to show you the rug I was born on.
Jake: Sure it's been cleaned since then.

Charles: Okay, then I'll think I'll finish up by saying Pappy Boyle was the best hugger. Which is surprising because he lost his hand in the subway. But he always said, "You don't hug with your hands, you hug with your heart. And your groin." He got that groin involved.
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, a lot of groin talk for a eulogy.