Charles: Seriously? I can't just replace Jason with some other dog.
Rosa: Why not? All dogs are basically the same. Watch this. Arlo, go hump that toy.
Charles: Get away from that. That's Jason's.

Rosa: If you go to jail, who makes the rental decisions in the building?
Mr. Gotaro: It'll pass to a trust. The bank controls it.
Rosa: Game back on?
Charles: If you have to ask, you're already one step behind.

Charles: Anyway, we should motor. Jake and I are staking out a bar called the Thirsty Ox lot of crime, lot of danger, lot of downtime for inside jokes. "Would you like some milk?"
Jake: What?
Charles: "Would you like some milk?" The guy! 'cause you look like -
Jake: I don't know - what you're talking about.
Charles: "Would like the milk?"
Jake: Please. What is it from?
Charles: He's funny. He remembers. Funny. Very funny.

Stevie: The dealer I'm looking for is Tom Ozerov. Arrested him a year ago on a first-degree felony, but he made a deal and walked. Dude's a real lowlife.
Charles: Yeah, we've seen that guy. I said he looked like a lowlife, remember that, Jake? His pants were too tight.

Charles: Jake, face it, I'm not a Beatsie Boy.
Jake: All right. Well, then neither am I. The Beatsie Boys are finished. If you're gonna be part of the group, we need a new name, a new name that you're gonna came up with.
Charles: Police Pals.
Jake: Okay, it's decent. You can come up with a couple options.
Charles: Not necessary. That's the one.

Charles: Well, too bad for you, because Jake agrees with me. We're always on the same...
Jake: ...page?
Charles: Yes! Told you.

Charles: Stevie planted the drugs.
Jake: Come on!
Charles: I looked on that dishwasher before him, and it was empty. Stevie planted those pills. But you're right, he's the coolest! You guys should go get your ears pierced together. Invite Brad. It'll be smurt.
Jake: It's swurt, not smurt. So, joke's on you.

Charles: I'm just happy I'm tall enough to ride.

Marge: So we're supposed to come running to clean up your mess every time you snap your fat little fingers?
Charles: Oh, no, no, I actually can't snap my fingers, they're always too wet.

Charles: So where do we go from here?
Marge: Well, you know the old saying, "The only way to unclog a toilet is to let it sit."
Charles: You're a janitor. You should know that's not true.

Marge: Boys, take out the trash.
Charles: Oh, great! So you will do it? Oh! I'm the trash, I get it. Okay, that makes more sense with your tone.

Charles: What's going on? I can hear your lips moving. Ah! Are you guys kissing?
Jake: What? No. Charles, stop always asking that.

Charles: Jake? Is that you? I can't see my phone. I've dialed over 40 wrong numbers.

Jake: Look, I'm sorry that I got you involved in this. I never should have volunteered us.
Charles: No, Jake. It's not your fault. It's Amy's.
Amy: What?
Charles: Well, it's not my fault. Blind.

Adrian Pimento: My landlord kicked me out because my stupid neighbors couldn't handle a few tiny night screams. I was dreaming that someone was trying to scalp me with a sharpened grapefruit spoon.
Charles: Aren't brains fascinating? I mean, where does it come up with this stuff?
Adrian Pimento: When I was undercover, someone did try and scalp me with a sharpened grapefruit spoon.
Charles: Sure, that would do it.