Charles: This is the best night of my life. People believe I work out with ropes, a mega-babe hit on me, and the bartender didn't assume I just wanted a Bay Breeze.

Jake: Wait, why'd you stop the elevator?
Amy: Look, I know you're excited, and I am too, but I really don't want to talk about us trying to get pregnant while we're at work. You haven't said anything to Charles, right?
Jake: No, and it's killing me. I still don't get why you can tell Rosa but I can't tell him.
Amy: Rosa's low key.
Jake: Charles can be low key.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: So how was everyone's weekend?
Amy: Oh, uh, we bought a couch.
Charles: Hoo-hoo, tell me everything!
[back:]
Jake: Okay, fine, he can be a bit much.

Jake: Hey, it was nice of you to let Pimento crash at your place last night. How'd it go?
Charles: Oh, well, he gave Nikolaj a haircut while he was asleep, but no weird memory stuff, so all in all, major win.

Jake: Hey. So you wanna talk about what happened before?
Charles: You mean the "you telling Pimento and not me that you're trying to make a baby" thing? No, no, I'm totally fine. Hey, coffee guy, how would you like be godfather to my son? Because a position just opened up.

Charles: I'm Detective Boyle. This is my partner, Jake. You probably think it's weird that I said partner and not friend.
Ned: Not at all.
Charles: Well, the point is that we're strictly colleagues. Have you seen this man?
Ned: Yeah, he was here a few hours ago for a new tattoo. It was supposed to say, "Jake and Amy are trying to have a baby."
Charles: Seriously?

Charles: Ladies and gentlemen. The moment you've been waiting for.
Amy: Wow, he went full "Showman."
Charles: I present to you six freaks, who, through a series of elaborate games, will be eliminated one by one until a champion is crowned. And that champion shall inherit my circus.
Rosa: And get a day off.
Charles: I was getting there, Ro-Ro. Let me have my fun.
Jake: Yeah, Ro-Ro, let him have his fun.
Charles: As always, we start the games by lighting the ceremonial bagel of destiny.
Jake: Ah, it's actually the baguette of destiny because this year, we're throwing caution to the wind. Charles, flame me.
Scully: [singing] Jimmy Jabs Jimmy Jabs Jimmy Jabs.
Charles: And with that, we commence my ten minute opening performance.
Jake: What?
Charles: [singing] The crowd is ready The freaks are here...

Charles: Welcome to the first competition. Which one of you will MEAT your maker? Be sure not to FOWL out, or you will MEAT your end.
Amy: We don't know what the game is, so these puns don't work.
Charles: It's a meat throwing challenge. All of the expired cold cuts from the kitchen refrigerator are under this tarp. Voila! You will toss a meat of your choosing at the break room window from ten feet away. If it sticks to the glass, well, then you move on. If it doesn't, then you're a-
Rosa: Cold cut?
Charles: Yes, now you're getting it. Thank you, Rosa.

Officer Debbie Fogle: I can't do this, Charles. I didn't even grab a meat. I'm not some expert cold cut thrower like you.
Charles: Everyone, I need a second for a freak in trouble. Debbie, I once stood here in front of this squad and felt like I didn't belong.
Officer Debbie Fogle: But-
Charles: But nothing. This is your chance to do something great. Debbie, this is your moment. Take it, and stick this meat.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Is this turkey?
Charles: Yes.
Officer Debbie Fogle: I'm very allergic to turkey.
[later:]
Jake: Hold her down!
Officer Debbie Fogle: Ahh!
[later:]
Charles: So Debbie's out. But she'll be fine, thanks to her purse full of EpiPens.

Charles: And now, that brings us to the end of round one, which mean it is time for another song. [singing] It was the meet of the moment Meat, meat, meat of the moment...
Rosa: Yeah, we'll be back in five.
Charles: Throw, throw, throw it At the window, window, window...

Charles: Welcome to K-9 Hide-and-Seek. You'll be given five minutes to hide, during which time Officer Frisbee will be learning your scent. Whoever he finds first is out.
Jake: How'd you get our clothes?
Charles: Doesn't matter. Now, hide, freaks! Hide from the society that shunned you!

Charles: Are you okay?
Officer Debbie Fogle: Yeah, I'm just recovering from the EpiPen. I'm sorry I messed everything up. I'm just not cut out for this high-stakes world of having fun with friends.
Charles: First off, if you think you messed this up, you're crazy. Nothing can mess up the performance I'm putting on out there. Secondly, what you did today was incredible.
Officer Debbie Fogle: I got disqualified immediately.
Charles: Did I ever tell you the story of my Jimmy Jabs humiliation?
Officer Debbie Fogle: No. You pretty much never talked to me till today.
Charles: Well, it was 2009, it was the opening ceremonies and I couldn't be more excited. I even got my hair styled just for the event.
[flashback:]
Jake: Charles, flame me.
Charles: [screams]
[back:]
Charles: I was out before the games even began. But I wouldn't change that moment for the world because it made me realize that not even flames can grind me down to dust. There is a place for us, for we are glorious.
Officer Debbie Fogle: You are the bearded lady.
Charles: We are all the bearded lady.

Charles: Okay, little lady, you get that voice warmed up because you are doing the closing ceremonies.
Officer Debbie Fogle: I can't. I haven't prepared. I don't even know the song.
Charles: Welcome to show business. It waits for no one. You're on in an hour.

Charles: The time has come for the grand finale, the obstacle course.
Hitchcock: This is gonna be rough. Turns out, taking a ton of random pills is really bad for you. Everything hurts.
Jake: Yeah, I'm like 50/50 gonna die.
Charles: On your mark, get set, dazzle me, freaks! First, you must make your way past the barricade hurdles. After the hurdles, you must fish a dollar coin out of our gross, clogged-up sink of nightmares. You use that money to buy a hot dog. After you eat the entire dog, you'll return to the break room, where you must extract an olive from the windpipe of a Heimlich practice dummy.
Jake: [to Hitchcock] Why are you using your mouth for everything?
Charles: The winner will be the first person to sit in the Ringmaster's throne. Uh-oh, surprise twist! To get to the throne, you must break through a breach training door.
Jake: What? Why are you making this so hard on me?
Charles: It's all for the show, Jake. The greatest show on Earth!

Charles: Jake is champion! Congratulations, you inherit the circus!
Jake: I did it! I don't want the circus.

Charles: Whoa-ho-ho, you hear that? It's the total silence of people reeling from the performance of a lifetime. How does it feel?
Officer Debbie Fogle: Incredible. I've never been that loud.
Charles: That's what most singing is. And with more practice, you'll only get louder.