Sergeant Jeffords: You can't have pets in here. This is a police precinct.
Charles: I know, I'm sorry. I got them for Nikolaj's birthday, but it turns out he's allergic and the pet store won't take them back.
Sergeant Jeffords: I've got a friend who works in a lab. I can call and see if they need any guinea pigs for their research.
Charles: They are not science experiments! They are living creatures with rich inner lives.
Sergeant Jeffords: Claire number two is stuck on his back like a bug.
Charles: Oh, I'll handle this. [cage rustling] Flip! Flip! Oh, I flipped the wrong Claire.

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, hey, Boyle! Do you have the 6th Street case file- Wait. What's that?
Charles: Uh, this? It's... my water bottle.
Sergeant Jeffords: It looks like a water bottle from a guinea pig cage.
Charles: True, I got it for the guinea pigs, but they're not here anymore. So I decided to be green and use it for myself. [Boyle drinks from the water bottle] Ah! Thirst quenched.

Rosa: Good news. My niece will take the two Claires. She wants them as pets.
Charles: That is great! Okay. Now we just need to find a home for ten more.
Rosa: Ten?
Charles: Boy Claire got girl Claire pregnant and made a bunch of little baby Claires.
Rosa: Oh, they're having sex again.
Charles: Mm-hmm.
Rosa: Oh, Claire.
Charles: Oh, Claire.
Rosa: Claire.
Charles: Claire.

Sergeant Jeffords: So this bag of pellets is your lunch?
Charles: Yup, it's the perfect food for a human man. [Charles eats a handful] You want some?
Sergeant Jeffords: No!

Charles: What's going on here?
Amy: Oh, measuring the space. We finally got a work order approved to fix the outlet, so... [whispering] We can get a third vending machine.
Charles: What?
Amy: [whispering] A third vending machine.
Charles: Why are you whispering about getting a new vending machine?
Scully: New vending machine!
Hitchcock: What model number?
Charles: Oh, that's why.

Charles: I bet it wasn't anyone in this squad.
Rosa: That's exactly what a guilty person would say.
Charles: So in order to prove my innocence, I just need to start pointing fingers?
Rosa: Mm-hmm.
Charles: Fine, it was Amy.
Amy: Really? Because the "Babe" thing screams you, Charles.
Charles: Oh, you wanna hear screaming? [screams] It was Amy!

Jake: Hey, you know you don't have to sweep up, right?
Charles: Well, someone's gotta. Plus it reminds me of the three years I spent as a cleaning lady in college.
Jake: Huh, I guess there really is no term for cleaning man.
Charles: Mm-mm.
Jake: That's not great.

Charles: Thank you for saying that. Honestly, though, I still don't get why Holt chose me over you.
Jake: Are you kidding? I mean, just look at today. Instead of fighting for attention, you did the work and methodically built your case. You noticed things that a room full of seasoned cops all missed. You're a great detective, Charles.
Charles: Wow. Even in defeat, you are a true prince of a man. The task force is yours.
Jake: What? No. Boyle, just take the win!
Charles: Right.

Jake: Amy and I have some big news to share.
Amy: I'm pregnant.
Jake: We're pregnant!
[unenthusiastic murmurs]
Jake: What the hell? I thought you guys would be more excited than that. Charles, you didn't even faint.
Charles: I'm so sorry, I'll try. [inhales] It's not working. Somebody choke me.
Rosa: On it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Rosa.

Charles: Okay, here's the cake. If it's pink on the inside, it's a girl. And if it's blue, it's a boy.
Jake: And why do you seem so bummed by that?
Charles: Because I still think you should have done the pig roast, where we start eating it from the snout, and discover the baby's sex when we get to the genitals.
Jake: Yeah, you know, Amy wanted to do that too, but I just don't see it.

Jake: Ugh, fine. I guess that makes it my turn, so I will pick my partner. And it is... [laughs] Raymond Holt. Well, well, well, it appears the original two heist champs are teaming up. Should we just skip ahead so everyone can bow down to us now?
Captain Holt: Yes, you all heard him. Bow down. Boyle, you first.
Amy: He is not gonna bow do... ugh, he's already doing it.
Charles: Well, they're gonna win. I'm currying favor.

Amy: Look, Jake and Holt are too stubborn and too proud to work as a team. Once they implode, we'll waltz in and grab the gems.
Charles: I do love waltzing.

Charles: Okay, between us, I think we made enough broth.
Sergeant Jeffords: Did you edit the presentation like I asked?
Charles: You mean did I remove the tasteful photos of me stretching?
Sergeant Jeffords: They weren't tasteful! You were in a thong.

Charles: Okay, okay, you take the perp back to the precinct. I'll stay here with her.
Jake: Are you sure?
Charles: Just remember to tell your son what Chee-Chee did here tonight.
Jake: How you feeling about Chee-Chee having said it out loud a few times?
Charles: I am loving it!

Jake: What happened?
Russ: She shot me! She shot me in the leg.
Dotty: You made a sudden motion.
Russ: I sneezed!
Jake: Okay, Dotty, what do you have a gun for?
Dotty: To protect myself. Cops are all wimps now. [mockingly] My wife is having a baby and I have to be there to brush her hair.
Jake: I wasn't gonna brush her hair.
Charles: You weren't?