Doug Judy: And on the way over there, a guy rear-ended me and the cops showed up. Turns out I had a warrant out for my arrest.
Jake: But we wiped your criminal record.
Doug Judy: You wiped my New York record. I stole a car in Trenton five years ago.
Jake: Well, you still should have called me. I could've helped you out.
Doug Judy: It wouldn't have mattered. There's a lot of evidence against me. I left a picture of me at the scene of the crime with a note bragging about how I did it.
Jake: Ah, well, yes, that would make it difficult.
Doug Judy: Impossible.

Doug Judy: Is that a '79 Pontiac Trans Am?
Jake: Sexy-ass surprise number one. We're riding in style.
Doug Judy: I can't believe the Department of Corrections was cool with you taking your friend to prison.
Jake: Well, I can be very persuasive. I got the guy and his family a six-day pass to Pirate's Cove Waterpark.
Doug Judy: So many days in the water. The family's gonna be pruney.
Jake: Yeah, it wasn't a good bribe.

Doug Judy: Sup, Peralta?
Jake: Hey, what's going on? Why didn't you tell me you're in jail? Did you not want me to find out who arrested you? Is there another cop in your life?
Doug Judy: No, none of these pigs mean jack to me. No offense to Evan. You've been great this week.

Charles: Doug's up by one. Jake, you need to answer the final question correctly. Otherwise, he wins. Doug, lay it on him.
Doug Judy: Hmm. [covers ear] Jake Peralta, do I have an earring?
Jake: Um. What?
Doug Judy: You heard me. We've been in the car for three hours. You've known me for seven years. Do I have an earring?
Jake: Oh, no. I'm drawing a blank. I can kind of picture a diamond stud.
Doug Judy: That'd be a good look.
Jake: Or maybe a gold cross or a little hoop.
Doug Judy: I do have versatile ears.
Jake: Now I'm just seeing it pretty clearly with no earring. Ah, this is hard. But I'm gonna go with my gut and say... yes, you do have an earring. [Doug removes his hand] Nothing but lobe? This whole time?
Doug Judy: Since the day we met. [Jake groans]

Doug Judy: I guess I know you better after all.
Jake: Or do you?
Doug Judy: Wait, why are you smiling?
Jake: Because we played you! If you actually knew me, you would have known that I only agreed to do "Who Knows Mo', Friend Or Foe, Are You Fo' Real Or Just Fo' Show?" In order to stall.
Charles: I was in on it. "Estelle Minderman" is the code word we use for when there's a twist, because when Estelle hosts game night at the Senior Center, she always makes sure one of the games has a sexy twist.
Jake: And when I was writing my answers into my phone, I was secretly texting Captain Holt our vehicle description and location. Backup is already on the way. Wait, why are you smiling now?
Doug Judy: Because I played you. I knew you would text for backup. So I changed your contacts while I was DJ-ing.
[flashback:]
Doug Judy: Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mill, really a lot of Taylor Swift.
[present:]
Doug Judy: So when you were texting Captain Holt, you were actually texting Trudy Judy.
[flashback:]
Trudy Judy: "State troopers are on their way. Sincerely, Raymond Holt."
[present:]
Doug Judy: Now my crew knows exactly where we are and exactly what we're driving. Because I know you mo'. Slurp, slurp.

Doug Judy: So that's how it is? When it's gonna end with me in prison, we can have a good time. But now it's gonna end with me riding off into the sunset a free man, and we're all moody?
Jake: You're not escaping. And if you did, I would lose my badge.
Doug Judy: Maybe it's for the best. You'd make a dope realtor.
Jake: I don't want to be a realtor.
Doug Judy: You're telling me you don't want to sell a penthouse to Zayn Malik and then party with him afterwards?
Jake: I mean... that does sound kind of cool.
Doug Judy: Next thing you know, you're the go-to guy for all of One Direction's property needs. [chuckles] Whoo!
Jake: No! There's too much tension between Zayn and the others. You're selling me a pipe dream.

Jake: [on the phone] Well, look, I guess I'm happy that you're happy.
Doug Judy: Well, I owe it all to you.
Jake: What do you mean?
Doug Judy: I think you know what I mean.
Jake: Nope, no idea.
Doug Judy: Really? Because after we hugged goodbye, I noticed your pen was in my pocket.
Jake: Oh, that's weird. It was?
Doug Judy: Uh-huh, and then I used it to mind freak myself out of my cuffs and then out of jail.
Jake: Well, then I guess it's certainly lucky that it ended up in your pocket. Doug Judy: I wonder how it got there.
Jake: Yeah. Well, I guess we'll never know.
Doug Judy: Well, however it got there, I'm glad it did. I love you, Peralta.
Jake: Love you, too, Judy.
Doug Judy: Tigers and toucs!
Jake: Tigers and toucs.

Trooper Peyton: Captain Raymond Holt called in for backup. We're supposed to escort you to the prison.
Jake: Copy that. Thanks.
Trooper Peyton: What are y'all wearing?
Both: Tigers and toucans. Yessir.
Trooper Peyton: Interesting. And why isn't he cuffed?
Doug Judy: Uh, don't worry about it. Peralta knows I wouldn't physically overwhelm him. What's happening here is more of a mental overwhelmsion.
Jake: There's been no overwhelmsion of any kind.
Doug Judy: And yet I just tricked you into thinking "overwhelmsion" is a word.
Jake: [scoffs] No.

Doug Judy: What is my least favorite thing?
Jake: Meringue because it looks so much better than it tastes.
Doug Judy: It's a trick food!

Doug Judy: What is the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me?
Jake: Oh, when you were cut out of that season of Real Housewives where you were dating Ramona.
Doug Judy: I wasn't embarrassed. I was just disappointed at the way it was handled.
Jake: Yeah.

Doug Judy: What is the name of the alter ego I use for fancy crimes?
Jake: Lord Poncy Cumbershire.
Doug Judy: 'Tis correct.
Charles: Point for Jake.

Jake: I get all that, but that's not what this is about. I mean, you could have escaped from anyone, but you chose to set me up. And now my job and my name are all on the line. You used me, Doug. You're a bad friend.
Doug Judy: You're the bad friend.
Jake: I got you a tracksuit. Tigers and toucs.
Doug Judy: Might as well be a jumpsuit. A prison jumpsuit. You're taking me to prison. The fact that you thought I'd go willingly means you don't know me at all.
Jake: Oh, please. I know everything about you.
Doug Judy: You didn't know my catchphrase.
Jake: You have never once said "slurp, slurp" before today.
Doug Judy: That you believe that is so hurtful.

Doug Judy: I'm not trying to escape from you. I'm trying to escape from prison. Let me ask you this. Do you know why I stole that car?
Jake: Because you "love doing crimes." That's me directly quoting your catchphrase.
Doug Judy: First of all, my catchphrase is "slurp, slurp."
Jake: You've never once said that.
Doug Judy: I say it constantly. Second of all, me "loving crime" is classic empty bravado. The truth is I was arrested when I was 22 for something stupid. When I got out, nobody would hire me because I had a criminal record. My dreams of being a landscape architect were out the window.
Jake: That was your dream?
Doug Judy: I wanted to be the Black Edward Scissorhands.
Charles: Oh, that's great.

Charles: Welcome to the Boyle bus.
Doug Judy: Why we getting in this wack ride?
Jake: Charles refuses to accept what close friends we are. He thinks you're trying to escape and that your crew's on the lookout for the Trans Am, so he insisted we switch into his weird family bus.
Doug Judy: That's ridiculous.
Jake: Isn't it?
Doug Judy: It doesn't matter what vehicle we're in.
Jake: That's what I said.
Doug Judy: I'm gonna escape from you either way.
Jake: Exactly. Wait, what was that?

Doug Judy: How did you find cheeseburger cracker Combos? Weren't they discontinued? Tell me the whole story.
Jake: A bodega in Queens had an old box.
Doug Judy: Wow.
Jake: Yeah.
Doug Judy: Kind of makes me sad, though.
Jake: How come?
Doug Judy: One day, it's out in the world thriving, and then poof, gets pulled off the streets.
Jake: Ah. Well, I mean, it's not like it's gone forever. You know, it'll be back in circulation soon.
Doug Judy: Maybe, but sometimes when a product is taken off the shelves, it never returns.
Jake: It's gonna be okay. I promise I'll visit the Combos every month.
Doug Judy: The Combos will be very grateful for that. They're lucky to have a friend like you.