Doug Judy: I'm not trying to escape from you. I'm trying to escape from prison. Let me ask you this. Do you know why I stole that car?
Jake: Because you "love doing crimes." That's me directly quoting your catchphrase.
Doug Judy: First of all, my catchphrase is "slurp, slurp."
Jake: You've never once said that.
Doug Judy: I say it constantly. Second of all, me "loving crime" is classic empty bravado. The truth is I was arrested when I was 22 for something stupid. When I got out, nobody would hire me because I had a criminal record. My dreams of being a landscape architect were out the window.
Jake: That was your dream?
Doug Judy: I wanted to be the Black Edward Scissorhands.
Charles: Oh, that's great.

Doug Judy: Well, let's hit the road.
Jake: Up-bup-bup. Before we do that. There's another surprise, but I'm gonna need your hands free for this one.
Doug Judy: Wait, you got a pen? I'll show you a little trick I learned from a magician who, for legal purposes, shall remain nameless, but is unquestionably a mind freak.
Jake: [whispers] Criss Angel.
Doug Judy: I can neither confirm nor deny... bam! Your cuffs and your pen, sir.
Jake: That was incredibly fast. Consider my mind freaked. On that note, it is time for sexy-ass surprise number two. A classic Jake and Judy outfit change!
Both: ♪ Ah! ♪

Jake: [on the phone] Well, look, I guess I'm happy that you're happy.
Doug Judy: Well, I owe it all to you.
Jake: What do you mean?
Doug Judy: I think you know what I mean.
Jake: Nope, no idea.
Doug Judy: Really? Because after we hugged goodbye, I noticed your pen was in my pocket.
Jake: Oh, that's weird. It was?
Doug Judy: Uh-huh, and then I used it to mind freak myself out of my cuffs and then out of jail.
Jake: Well, then I guess it's certainly lucky that it ended up in your pocket. Doug Judy: I wonder how it got there.
Jake: Yeah. Well, I guess we'll never know.
Doug Judy: Well, however it got there, I'm glad it did. I love you, Peralta.
Jake: Love you, too, Judy.
Doug Judy: Tigers and toucs!
Jake: Tigers and toucs.

Doug Judy: So that's how it is? When it's gonna end with me in prison, we can have a good time. But now it's gonna end with me riding off into the sunset a free man, and we're all moody?
Jake: You're not escaping. And if you did, I would lose my badge.
Doug Judy: Maybe it's for the best. You'd make a dope realtor.
Jake: I don't want to be a realtor.
Doug Judy: You're telling me you don't want to sell a penthouse to Zayn Malik and then party with him afterwards?
Jake: I mean... that does sound kind of cool.
Doug Judy: Next thing you know, you're the go-to guy for all of One Direction's property needs. [chuckles] Whoo!
Jake: No! There's too much tension between Zayn and the others. You're selling me a pipe dream.

Doug Judy: [on the phone] The point is I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. I'm choosing to focus on the journey. [person speaking non-English language]
Jake: Wait a minute. What language was that?
Doug Judy: I don't know. Maybe Dutch. There's a lot of that in here. You know how active the Dutch mafia is in Jersey.
Jake: Judy.
Doug Judy: Okay, fine. Surprise! I'm in Amsterdam! I escaped from prison. My wife and I are living the life here now. Amsterdam is great. Jake, they got universal healthcare, legalized marijuana, and the workers are treated so much better. But you know what the best part is?
Jake: That you're a free man again.
Doug Judy: No. Stroopwafels. They're, like, these wafer cookies with caramel in between.
Jake: Oh, yeah, I think I've seen those at Trader Joe's.

Jake: Look, Doug, I'm sorry it's gotta be like this. If you're mad at me, I get it.
Doug Judy: I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I should never become friends with a cop. I mean, how'd I expect this to end?
Jake: [sighs] Well, regardless, thanks for saving me back there with the Estelle Minderman thing.
Doug Judy: I wasn't gonna let them hurt you, Jake. We're PB and J.
Jake: We're PB and J.
Doug Judy: Yeah.
Jake: I want to hug you, but you're cuffed.
Doug Judy: You can hug me. [they hug] Okay, you can take him. I'll see you soon.

Jake: [answers phone] Hello?
Doug Judy: Hey, Peralta. What's good?
Jake: Hey, Doug, are you okay?
Doug Judy: I wanted you to know, and I've been thinking about it a lot... I didn't mean what I said. I'm glad I met you. Sure, it ended badly, but we had some good times along the way too. We went on a cruise together.
Jake: We flew on Mark Cuban's jet.
Doug Judy: We ate at a restaurant next to Gail from Top Chef.
Jake: Yeah, and then you got so mad at her about Last Chance Kitchen.
Doug Judy: I wasn't mad. I just think it's insane that they make you go online to watch it.

Vince Michael Thompson: He's a cop. He's seen our faces.
Doug Judy: It's okay. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't even know your names.
Vince Michael Thompson: It's Vince Thompson.
Doug Judy: Don't tell him!
Jake: Look, I'm just after Doug, that's it. Yeah, he's gonna forget all about you, guy whose name I can't even remember.
Vince Michael Thompson: It's Vince Michael Thompson.
Doug Judy: What is wrong with you?

Vince Michael Thompson: All right, we gotta move. Judys, you get in the SUV. I'll take care of the cop.
Jake: What do you mean, "take care of him"?
Vince Michael Thompson: Shoot him in the face.
Jake: What? Doug, who are these guys?
Doug Judy: I don't know. Trudy, who are these guys?
Trudy Judy: Well, your old crew split when you went legit, so I put a ad for goons on the internet.
Doug Judy: TaskRabbit?
Trudy Judy: Craigslist.
Doug Judy: Trudy, never contact Craigslist crooks.

Doug Judy: Hey, if we're not gonna talk, can we at least play some music? [lively polka music] Oh, I can get with this. Oompah-oompah-oompah-oompah, oompah-oompah-oompah.
Jake: What are you doing?
Doug Judy: Wow. I can't have a diverse musical palate?

Jake: I don't understand. How did this happen?
Doug Judy: Remember when I switched out your contacts? I also changed the destination in your GPS.
Jake: So we've been driving to the wrong place this whole time? Everything else was just a distraction?
Doug Judy: I wanted you to focus on the journey, not the destination.
Jake: Oh.
Doug Judy: Yeah. I got that from you.
Trudy Judy: Dumbass.
Doug Judy: He's not a dumb-ass, Trudy. It was a brilliant plan.
Trudy Judy: Yeah, that hinged on him handing you his phone and not noticing that he was driving directly to us.
Doug Judy: Yeah, but there was also some mental misdirection.
Jake: It was a bit of a chess match; it's true.
Trudy Judy: Yeah, a chess match with a dumb-ass.

Jake: I'm calling Charles. [line ringing]
Trudy Judy: [answers phone] What's up, Peralta?
Jake: No! [to himself] All right, Jake, stay calm. This all makes sense. You called for backup. Then Holt said backup was coming. And now they're here. These guys are real. If you can't trust them, you can't trust anyone.
Doug Judy: You're right. That's good logic.
Jake: I can't trust anyone! [tires squealing] Okay. We lost them. I gotta know, were they actually your guys?
Doug Judy: Nope.
Jake: Damn it! I knew it! Whatever. It doesn't matter anyway. We're almost there. We're just taking a different route.
Female Voice: At the next intersection, turn left.
Jake: Wait, this doesn't look right.
Doug Judy: Sure, it does. We just took a different route, like you said. Came in the back way.
Jake: Yeah, but prison should be visible.
Female Voice: You have reached your destination.
Jake: Uh-oh.
Trudy Judy: [chuckles] Slurp, slurp, Peralta.
Doug Judy: Slurp, slurp. [slurps]

Trooper Peyton: Captain Raymond Holt called in for backup. We're supposed to escort you to the prison.
Jake: Copy that. Thanks.
Trooper Peyton: What are y'all wearing?
Both: Tigers and toucans. Yessir.
Trooper Peyton: Interesting. And why isn't he cuffed?
Doug Judy: Uh, don't worry about it. Peralta knows I wouldn't physically overwhelm him. What's happening here is more of a mental overwhelmsion.
Jake: There's been no overwhelmsion of any kind.
Doug Judy: And yet I just tricked you into thinking "overwhelmsion" is a word.
Jake: [scoffs] No.

Jake: I'm not sure what you're so happy about. I have backup now.
Doug Judy: I'm choosing to focus on the journey, not the destination.
Jake: Suit yourself. Wait a minute. [music stops] This isn't part of your plan. Is it? Are the state troopers actually your guys?
Doug Judy: Sounds like something I would do.
Jake: I mean, how would you even have contacted them? Unless somebody messed with Holt's phone.
Doug Judy: Classic Doug.
Jake: No, it's crazy. You're just bluffing.
Doug Judy: Also classic Doug.

Female Voice: [on phone] Rerouting.
Jake: Rerouting?
Doug Judy: It's probably nothing. I'm sure we're going down a side road away from the prison for a good reason.
Jake: [over radio] Hey, this is Peralta. Why'd you guys just turn? Where are you going?
Trooper Peyton: [radio] This is the way to the prison.
Jake: [groans softly] I'm heading into a trap. Aren't I?
Doug Judy: Hard to say.
Jake: But if those are your guys, what are they waiting for?
Doug Judy: Don't know.
Jake: But if they're not your guys, where are we going?
Doug Judy: Unclear.