Doug Judy: You know, you should actually use him while he's there. He'll give you a dope fade.
Jake: I get dope enough fades from my current barber, thank you. So you dragged us over here, went in there, pretended to talk, and then snuck out the basement. Am I right?
Doug Judy: The basement connected to another basement! Which connected to a garage, which is where my boy picked me up.
Jake: Your boy? Oh, that guy from the meet-up. He works for you. He pretended to be spooked by me and Diaz in the parking lot to make sure that we let you go to the next meeting by yourself.
Doug Judy: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You win a Teddy bear!
Jake: You lied to me, Doug Judy. Gotta be honest, I'm pretty disappointed right now. I mean, was that even really your mom?
Doug Judy: Hell yeah, that's my real mom. I wanted to see her one last time before I disappeared. I told you I was sensitive, Rosa.
Rosa: Yeah, you did. Why don't you come back here and take me out to dinner?
Doug Judy: Ah, ha ha. I know you're trying to trap me. But crazy thing is I'm tempted! That's how hot I find you.

Rosa: You guys having fun?
Jake: Hey.
Rosa: 'Cause I'm not. His mom put this stupid braid in my hair.
Doug Judy: Oh, looks beautiful.
Jake: Yeah, it's kinda cute.
[Rosa cuts the braid off with a pen knife]
Doug Judy: Please have my children.

Jake: All right, fine. If this is going down, I wanna be on this case, and my sole focus is Doug Judy. He never leaves my sights.
Doug Judy: Love it! Pontiac Bandit and Jake. PB&J ride again! [singing] Reunited and it feels so good... It's a duet. Get in on this. [singing] Reunited 'cause we understood

Doug Judy: Hey, baby. Nice legs. Why are you in your boxers?
Jake: So you would know I'm not wearing a wire. Your buddy Scott said I had to.
Doug Judy: Oh, that makes sense. Scott's a perv. Hey, Scott, wherever you're watching from, go home!
Scott: [from afar] Sorry, man!

Captain Holt: How do we even know George did it? I mean, nobody saw him. But there was a prolific car thief at the scene of the crime.
Doug Judy: You talking about me? I'm a cop now.
Captain Holt: No, you're not.
Doug Judy: Then why do I have a badge and a gun? (COCKS GUN) The thin blue line just got thick as hell.

Jake: All right, look, Judy, I know you're getting married.
Doug Judy: Damn it, I didn't think you'd find out about that. Who told you, Ronnie? Bobby? Ricky? Mike?
Jake: Don't try and change the subject by tricking me into singing New Edition with you.
Doug Judy: I don't know what you're talking about. Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike...
Both: [singing] If I like the girl who cares who you like
Doug Judy: Whoo!

Sergeant Jeffords: Doug, you stay with Jake. I'll go in with Trudy. I just need a cover story.
Trudy Judy: We could say that you're my boyfriend.
Doug Judy: No. No, no, no, I don't want my little sister fake-dating some pervert.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? Why am I a pervert?
Doug Judy: Uh, have you ever met a nice, normal guy that wears suspenders every day? What kind of person has to tie their pants down to keep them from flying off?
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not what suspenders are for, man.

Jake: Are these laserdiscs?
Doug Judy: Yeah, I robbed a tower records back in '92. Kept my faves.
Jake: Doug Judy.
Doug Judy: Ooh.
Jake: "Blade Runner", "Tron"- Oh! "Fievel Goes West"?
Doug Judy: Yes, sir. Love that little mouse. His journey, the story of America.
Jake: I could not agree more.
Doug Judy: Fievel?
Jake: Papa.
Doug Judy: Fievel!
Jake: Papa!
Doug Judy: Fie-vel!
Jake: Pa-pa!
Doug Judy: Fie-vel!

Doug Judy: We'll be safe here. I know the owner. He'd never turn me in.
Jake: Yeah, I have the exact same relationship with the guy who runs the laser tag place I love. I mean, gun range.
Doug Judy: Peralta, who you out here stuntin' for, huh? I love laser-T. We gotta go sometime, man.
Jake: I was hoping you'd say that. I wasn't stunting.
Doug Judy: A little bit.
Jake: A little stunting.
Doug Judy: You stunted.
Jake: A little bit.

Doug Judy: Also, it would me my honor to sing at your wedding.
Jake: Yeah, I don't think that's gonna be possible.
Doug Judy: Oh, I get it. You're afraid when I open my mouth, everyone's gonna start smushing on sight.
Jake: No, I more meant that you're probably still gonna be in jail.
Doug Judy: Damn, that's right. I almost forgot. Tell you what. I'll record you some songs. "Kiss From a Rose" really exploits my range.

Jake: You are not to enjoy it.
Doug Judy: I can't help it. I'm proud of you. You're like a son to me. A white, crispy son.
Jake: How would that even work? Am I adopted?
Doug Judy: No, your mother's just really pale. Almost invisible.

Doug Judy: That's my baby sister you're caressing.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? How can I caress her with my pecs?
Doug Judy: Look at those things. They got thumbs.

Jake: ESU won't take your deal. They think you're lying.
Doug Judy: I'm not lying. I don't wanna be a criminal. I love my life as a average citizen. I voted for the first time this year. Ed Breakfast for school board.
Jake: Who?
Doug Judy: I don't know. He had a funny name. He deserves a shot.
Jake: That's why I voted for Stacy Ladle.

Doug Judy: Two years ago before I went straight, I stole a car from a drug dealer. Martin Halloway.
Jake: Oh, no, Judy, he's a bad guy.
Doug Judy: I know. When I realized it was his car, I torched it along with the drugs that were in the trunk that I didn't know about.
Jake: Oh, no, Judy. Trunk drugs?
Doug Judy: Millions of dollars of them. Halloway just found out it was me. Said I had to do a job for him to pay off my debt.
Jake: But did you tell him you went straight? Did you tell him about Dustin?
Doug Judy: I did. He said he doesn't watch "Stranger Things".
Jake: Oh, this guy is the worst.

Doug Judy: Since I'm going to jail, I wanna enjoy my time left on the outside.
Put me up in a five-star hotel like the Royce. Unlimited room service and minibar privileges.
Captain Holt: Three-star hotel like the Brooklyner. $60 a day meal allowance. No minibar.
Doug Judy: Four-star hotel like the Oneida. $200 on food. No minibar or alcohol, but I get to go crazy on candy and nuts.