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Quote from the episode The Takeback

Jake: What's going on? You're not mad at me anymore? I arrested your best man.
Doug Judy: Just like I wanted you to. I was putting on a show in front of Trudy.
Jake: What?
Doug Judy: Katherine, my fiancée, doesn't want any of my crook friends coming to the wedding. She's a federal judge, how would that look?
Jake: Okay, but couldn't you just tell them they're not invited?
Doug Judy: Eh... that's an uncomfortable conversation to have. It was much easier this way.
Jake: Oh, my God. This whole thing was a set up? You wanted me to find that invitation. You knew I would never go on a trip with a bunch of crooks unless I felt unwanted.
Doug Judy: Classic negging.
Jake: I bet you planned to have your bachelor party at that hotel because you knew the oligarch was staying there.
Doug Judy: Hell, yeah, otherwise I would've got an Airbnb.
Jake: And as soon as your friends committed a crime, you banked on me needing to arrest them.
Doug Judy: Damn right. You're the most consistent person in my life, Peralta. I can always count on you.

Quote from the episode PB & J

Doug Judy: Sup, Peralta?
Jake: Hey, what's going on? Why didn't you tell me you're in jail? Did you not want me to find out who arrested you? Is there another cop in your life?
Doug Judy: No, none of these pigs mean jack to me. No offense to Evan. You've been great this week.

Quote from the episode PB & J

Doug Judy: And on the way over there, a guy rear-ended me and the cops showed up. Turns out I had a warrant out for my arrest.
Jake: But we wiped your criminal record.
Doug Judy: You wiped my New York record. I stole a car in Trenton five years ago.
Jake: Well, you still should have called me. I could've helped you out.
Doug Judy: It wouldn't have mattered. There's a lot of evidence against me. I left a picture of me at the scene of the crime with a note bragging about how I did it.
Jake: Ah, well, yes, that would make it difficult.
Doug Judy: Impossible.

Quote from the episode PB & J

Doug Judy: Well, let's hit the road.
Jake: Up-bup-bup. Before we do that. There's another surprise, but I'm gonna need your hands free for this one.
Doug Judy: Wait, you got a pen? I'll show you a little trick I learned from a magician who, for legal purposes, shall remain nameless, but is unquestionably a mind freak.
Jake: [whispers] Criss Angel.
Doug Judy: I can neither confirm nor deny... bam! Your cuffs and your pen, sir.
Jake: That was incredibly fast. Consider my mind freaked. On that note, it is time for sexy-ass surprise number two. A classic Jake and Judy outfit change!
Both: ♪ Ah! ♪

Quote from the episode PB & J

Charles: Welcome to the Boyle bus.
Doug Judy: Why we getting in this wack ride?
Jake: Charles refuses to accept what close friends we are. He thinks you're trying to escape and that your crew's on the lookout for the Trans Am, so he insisted we switch into his weird family bus.
Doug Judy: That's ridiculous.
Jake: Isn't it?
Doug Judy: It doesn't matter what vehicle we're in.
Jake: That's what I said.
Doug Judy: I'm gonna escape from you either way.
Jake: Exactly. Wait, what was that?

Quote from the episode PB & J

Jake: I'm not sure what you're so happy about. I have backup now.
Doug Judy: I'm choosing to focus on the journey, not the destination.
Jake: Suit yourself. Wait a minute. [music stops] This isn't part of your plan. Is it? Are the state troopers actually your guys?
Doug Judy: Sounds like something I would do.
Jake: I mean, how would you even have contacted them? Unless somebody messed with Holt's phone.
Doug Judy: Classic Doug.
Jake: No, it's crazy. You're just bluffing.
Doug Judy: Also classic Doug.

Quote from the episode PB & J

Female Voice: [on phone] Rerouting.
Jake: Rerouting?
Doug Judy: It's probably nothing. I'm sure we're going down a side road away from the prison for a good reason.
Jake: [over radio] Hey, this is Peralta. Why'd you guys just turn? Where are you going?
Trooper Peyton: [radio] This is the way to the prison.
Jake: [groans softly] I'm heading into a trap. Aren't I?
Doug Judy: Hard to say.
Jake: But if those are your guys, what are they waiting for?
Doug Judy: Don't know.
Jake: But if they're not your guys, where are we going?
Doug Judy: Unclear.

Quote from the episode PB & J

Jake: I'm calling Charles. [line ringing]
Trudy Judy: [answers phone] What's up, Peralta?
Jake: No! [to himself] All right, Jake, stay calm. This all makes sense. You called for backup. Then Holt said backup was coming. And now they're here. These guys are real. If you can't trust them, you can't trust anyone.
Doug Judy: You're right. That's good logic.
Jake: I can't trust anyone! [tires squealing] Okay. We lost them. I gotta know, were they actually your guys?
Doug Judy: Nope.
Jake: Damn it! I knew it! Whatever. It doesn't matter anyway. We're almost there. We're just taking a different route.
Female Voice: At the next intersection, turn left.
Jake: Wait, this doesn't look right.
Doug Judy: Sure, it does. We just took a different route, like you said. Came in the back way.
Jake: Yeah, but prison should be visible.
Female Voice: You have reached your destination.
Jake: Uh-oh.
Trudy Judy: [chuckles] Slurp, slurp, Peralta.
Doug Judy: Slurp, slurp. [slurps]

Quote from the episode PB & J

Jake: I don't understand. How did this happen?
Doug Judy: Remember when I switched out your contacts? I also changed the destination in your GPS.
Jake: So we've been driving to the wrong place this whole time? Everything else was just a distraction?
Doug Judy: I wanted you to focus on the journey, not the destination.
Jake: Oh.
Doug Judy: Yeah. I got that from you.
Trudy Judy: Dumbass.
Doug Judy: He's not a dumb-ass, Trudy. It was a brilliant plan.
Trudy Judy: Yeah, that hinged on him handing you his phone and not noticing that he was driving directly to us.
Doug Judy: Yeah, but there was also some mental misdirection.
Jake: It was a bit of a chess match; it's true.
Trudy Judy: Yeah, a chess match with a dumb-ass.

Quote from the episode PB & J

Vince Michael Thompson: All right, we gotta move. Judys, you get in the SUV. I'll take care of the cop.
Jake: What do you mean, "take care of him"?
Vince Michael Thompson: Shoot him in the face.
Jake: What? Doug, who are these guys?
Doug Judy: I don't know. Trudy, who are these guys?
Trudy Judy: Well, your old crew split when you went legit, so I put a ad for goons on the internet.
Doug Judy: TaskRabbit?
Trudy Judy: Craigslist.
Doug Judy: Trudy, never contact Craigslist crooks.

Quote from the episode PB & J

Vince Michael Thompson: He's a cop. He's seen our faces.
Doug Judy: It's okay. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't even know your names.
Vince Michael Thompson: It's Vince Thompson.
Doug Judy: Don't tell him!
Jake: Look, I'm just after Doug, that's it. Yeah, he's gonna forget all about you, guy whose name I can't even remember.
Vince Michael Thompson: It's Vince Michael Thompson.
Doug Judy: What is wrong with you?

Quote from the episode The Cruise

Jake: Whatever, Judy. You're under arrest.
Doug Judy: You can't arrest me, boo. We're in international waters, which is also why I can smoke as much weed as I want. Welcome to the high seas.
Jake: No, no way that that's true. Amy, tell me I can arrest him right now.
Amy: Judy's right. We have no jurisdiction. Technically this boat flies under the flag of Uzbekistan.
Doug Judy: Uh-oh, your girl knows about the Uzbeks!

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