Scully: Aw, buddy, you'll be okay.
Hitchcock: It doesn't feel like it. My heart is ruined forever. I'm done with love. I'll never find anyone as--. Oh, my God! Get a load of the can on her! See ya dorks, I'm gonna get some.
Jake: Well, Hitchcock still sucks.

Hitchcock: It's official! I'm in love. I just spent the night with the woman of my dreams.
Rosa: The lady from your divorce party?
Hitchcock: Yeah. She's my soulmate. She's funny. She's beautiful. She has almost no scars.
Scully: Hot biscuits. It sounds like you hooked a live one.

Hitchcock: Now all I have to remember her by is this tooth.
Rosa: What the hell? Why do you have that?
Hitchcock: We were eating pizza, and it fell out of her mouth.
Scully: Well, this is perfect. We can use it to find her.
Hitchcock: What do you mean?
Scully: We just have to try fitting that tooth into the mouth of every woman in New York City till we find the matching gum hole of your one true love.
Hitchcock: My life is like a fairy tale!

Hitchcock: Make it a double. My heart has a hole in it. I might as well fill it with booze.
Anna Rubov: Same for me. Except my hole's in my mouth.
Hitchcock: It's you! My toothless Cinderella!

Hitchcock: Also, Anna's family is from the Old Country and kind of conservative, so try not to mention the baby to them.
Jake: Perfect; I'll just do what I always do at weddings: Not talk to anyone I don't know already.
Hitchcock: You're the best, Jake. That's why you're the baby's godfather.
Jake: Wait. I am?

Scully: We barely got to know her.
Hitchcock: And now we never will.
Charles: I feel so bad for them, but what do you say to someone that's suffered this kind of loss?
Amy: I mean, it's kind of on them for not checking the voltage on a machine that has a built in air-fryer.
Hitchcock: Don't blame the victim, Amy.

Amy: If we go to court, we're gonna need the witness to testify. But now, we have no way of contacting him. So there's no case. How could you not take down the witness' contact info?
Hitchcock: Well, unlike you dorks, we don't do everything "by the book."
Scully: We play by our own rules.
Hitchcock: And we get results.
Amy: No! You don't! That's why we're here!

Rosa: Scully, I need your help, but you can't tell anybody what I'm up to.
Scully: Oh, not a problem. I don't talk to anyone but Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: [on video chat] And nobody where I am even speaks English.
Rosa: Where are you?
Hitchcock: Brazil, baby! I got conned by a cam girl, but it turns out, I love it here.

Amy: Oh, you guys still have lunch together?
Hitchcock: [on video call] Twice a day, every day.
Amy: Look, I need help figuring out how to inspire these new guys. What motivates you?
Scully: Well, I'd do anything to retire and spend the rest of my days with Hitchcock in Brazil.
Amy: Huh. That's actually pretty helpful.
Hitchcock: That's the dream... Scully and me on the sex barge I'm building.
Amy: Ah! Okay. Scully was already helpful. You don't have to keep talking.

Captain Holt: Santiago, how's prong two doing?
Amy: We're killing it. According to the pedometers I put on the Hitchcock-and-Scullys, they're out walking their beat. And it's all thanks to these guys.
Scully: Hey.
Hitchcock: [on video call] Screw you, Amy.
Amy: No, I was complimenting you.
Hitchcock: Well, screw you anyway.

Jake: The six of us will vie for the crown.
Hitchcock: [on video call] You mean seven. You forgot about me.
Jake: You're not a part of this, Hitchcock. You're in Brazil.
Hitchcock: Or am I? Come and find out.
Charles: Stop trying to trick us into visiting you in South America.
Hitchcock: I'm kind of the biggest ball in the sack here.
Jake: Yeah, I'm pretty sure the locals wouldn't agree with that.

Captain Holt: Are you sure he came back to the precinct? The tracker must be broken. There's no one here.
Hitchcock: Wrong, Captain! I'm here. Michael Hitchcock, the Grand Champion of the Nine-Nine.
Charles: Hitchcock?
Jake: Well, this doesn't feel right.

Hitchcock: Amy paid me fifty bucks to trade places with her for the rest of the night.
Charles: Really?
Hitchcock: Yeah. I'm going to use that money to buy two suits.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock, Boyle needs you to fill out a line-up.
Hitchcock: Oh, great! I'll take my shirt off.
Charles: No one asked you to take your shirt off. Stop volunteering to take your shirt off.
Hitchcock: I can't hear you. Shirt's over my ears!

Hitchcock: Here, wear my shirt. I was gonna take it off anyway.