Rosa: Okay. Now open your eyes, and the person you are meant to be with should appear before you.
[Rosa and Charles scream]
Hitchcock: Sorry. I was just watching.
Charles: Get out of here, Hitchcock!

Hitchcock: Sorry to interrupt, ladies, but you might want to take a couple of steps back. This is not going to smell good.
Gina: Un-hug! Un-hug!
Amy: Ugh!

Hitchcock: If you want a celebrity, I met Leroy Pipe at Gyna-rama '08.

Sergeant Jeffords: I have a buddy who works in private security. They do protection for tons of big names. He'll know who's in town.
Jake: Fantastic. Please call him right now.
Hitchcock: No need. Leroy Pipe is in! All he needs is bail money.
Jake: Great. But also, Terry, you still call your guy.

Captain Holt: And we all know she'll succeed at whatever she tries.
Hitchcock: I feel like this is all my fault. She's staying for me. She just can't let go.
Jake: Hitchcock, you don't have to contribute.

Charles: He's never gonna make it.
Hitchcock: Yes, he will. Just don't breathe. Let the liquid into your lungs.

Jake: Hey, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: [shouts] God, you scared me. I've got a razor.
Jake: Sorry. I need the bathroom.
Hitchcock: Fine, but you're lucky I didn't cut myself.
Jake: [gasps] Yep, sure am. Have a good one, buddy.

Hitchcock: Worst morning ever.
Jake: Yeah, it was stressful, but we got the guy. Surprised you two are taking it so hard.
Hitchcock: We were talking about our lunch, you self-absorbed son-of-a-bitch.
Jake: Come on.

Hitchcock: Hey, hey hey! It's the best day of the year. Happy Cinco de Mayo!
Jake: I don't think you're allowed to wear a poncho to work, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: Let's fiesta!
[BAND PLAYING "THE MEXICAN HAT SONG"]
Jake: Oh, you got a band.

Sergeant Jeffords: So this is where all the tape went. I gotta put up this pictures my daughters drew.
Hitchcock: And I need some 'cause I cut my hand.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock! Go to the hospital!
Hitchcock: And give 100 bucks to some doctor to give me the exact same tape? I don't think so.

Jake: All right, Hitchcock, you're up.
Hitchcock: The body. The corkscrew's still in the body.
Jake: No, you're terrible at this. Go sit down.

Hitchcock: There's one thing I want, and it's not that big. I just want you to make me cool in everyone's eyes.
Charles: Not that big?

Charles: Please let me have the tape.
Hitchcock: No dice.
Charles: I don't know how to make you cool. I'm not even that cool myself. I mean, sure, I have a pizza stone.
Hitchcock: You have cool friends. Like Jake. I just wanna be part of a conversation where Jake uses my name and nobody insults me.
Charles: Damn it! You ask too much.

Charles: Hey, Jake.
Jake: Hey, Charles.
Charles: Who's this with me?
Jake: Hitchcock?
Charles: Well, we should go now.
[later:]
Hitchcock: Wow! What a high! Do you guys feel this way all the time?

Charles: I can't do this. I can't make you look cool.
Hitchcock: Because you're afraid that Jake and I are gonna cut you out. Well, you're not wrong.