Jake: Wait a minute. Why do you pay for a monthly parking spot?
Charles: Because it's New York. It's hard to park.
Jake: Yeah, but he just said he doesn't have a car. So what's parked in this spot you don't want us to know about? Could it be a super-expensive sports car, paid for in cash?
[cut to a parking garage:]
Jake: Nope. It's just a sketchy old sex van.
Hitchcock: There is nothing sketchy about the Beaver Trap.
Jake: Yes, there is.

Scully: Oh, I'd like to see an increase in vacation days.
Hitchcock: And we should all get summers off like teachers. Let the city go to purge.

Sergeant Jeffords: Could we put a mirroring app on her phone so we could watch everything she does?
Hitchcock: Oh, those work great, but you have to physically have her phone to install it.
Captain Holt: Nobody ask Hitchcock why he knows that.

Rob Dulubnik: Okay, defectives. My guys can handle that.
Amy: Oh, can they? 'Cause the Nine-Nine's about to bring the real heat.
Hitchcock: Get ready for the back draft, bitch.

Jake: Wow, without the bubbles you can really see everything.
Hitchcock: Eyes up here, Peralta.

Sergeant Jeffords: The briefing was a week ago. Just tell us everyone you talked to since then.
Hitchcock: Well, let's see. On Saturday, I got together with my friends, and we went to the dog track.
Sergeant Jeffords: We need names.
Hitchcock: I lied. There's not multiple friends. It's just Scully.

Jake: So you just want us to lie on the ground and do nothing like a bunch of losers?
Agent Kendrick: Yes, precisely.
Jake: No!
Hitchcock: Jackpot!

Hitchcock: Oh, come on. It's like every woman in this city has all of her teeth. Stupid Bloomberg and his stupid soda ban!

Jake: So we'll make a hostage video, but I don't think we should do it here. It's too nice. Do we know anyone with, like, a real creepy basement?
[cut to:]
Hitchcock: Yeah, it's just got one exposed light bulb and a couple of spent mattresses.
Jake: "Spent"? Oh, yeah. That sounds perfect.

Scully: So what are you planning for the heist?
Sergeant Jeffords: The only thing I'm planning is getting my work done.
Hitchcock: Sure, you are. Come clean, or we'll tell everybody about your mistress.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't have a mistress.
Hitchcock: You don't? But you're so good-looking. What's the point?

Hitchcock: Attention, everyone.
Rosa: Enough. We know. The heist is happening.
Hitchcock: No, my ex-wife just died. No more alimony, baby!

Amy: Wait. This is good. There was a witness who saw everything. Identified the thief, they even described the getaway car down to a dent in the right bumper. We're golden.
Rosa: Yeah, but Hitchcock and Scully forgot to write down the witness' name or contact info.
Amy: What? No, that's insane. Even they wouldn't do something that dumb.
[later:]
Hitchcock: Dumb? Excuse me. I don't need this crap. I could be on the beach in Figi right now.

Hitchcock: Oh, if you want calm, there's some ludes in evidence, if anybody would ever let me get them out.

Jake: Congratulations, Hitchcock, it's the first wedding I've ever been to with a cover charge.
Hitchcock: It's for our honeymoon. We're going to Barbados, and we'll have the island all to ourselves, because it's Dengue Fever season.
Amy: But your wife is pregnant.
Hitchcock: You can't live in fear. Don't want to spend every moment worried about Dengue or black mold or those weird spots on the MRI they found on your brain.
Amy: Hitchcock, is your brain okay?
Hitchcock: The point is: I don't care.

Captain Holt: You know, if you can change for an interview, you can change for good.
Hitchcock: Nah, too much work.
Sergeant Jeffords: But that's not how "My Fair Lady" ends. Eliza Doolittle doesn't go back to her old life. She falls in love with Henry Higgins.
Hitchcock: Well, "My Bare Lady," is a little different. It's not Eliza Doolittle and Henry Higgins. It's Eliza DooEverybody and Leroy Pipe. And in the end, they rub-
Captain Holt: Nope. We don't need a recap. Thank you for your help today.
Hitchcock: Anytime, Captain.