Amy: All right, food is ready, decorations are set, guests should start arriving any moment, and the chairs are still perfection.
Scully: She said they're perfection. I'm so proud of you, buddy.
Hitchcock: It was you. You made this happen.

Scully: So what are you planning for the heist?
Sergeant Jeffords: The only thing I'm planning is getting my work done.
Hitchcock: Sure, you are. Come clean, or we'll tell everybody about your mistress.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't have a mistress.
Hitchcock: You don't? But you're so good-looking. What's the point?

Captain Holt: Now due to the sensitive subject matter, I think it makes sense to partner Peralta with-
Hitchcock: Me? Because I'm the best at sex?
Captain Holt: No, Hitchcock. In fact, you know what? This isn't your week. Why don't you take a few days off?
Hitchcock: Sweet! Have fun working, cucks!

Hitchcock: Labia.
Jake: Commissioner Raymond Holt.
Hitchcock: Labia.
Sergeant Jeffords: You gotta stop right now, Hitchcock.

Hitchcock: Wait, we're allowed to say "labia" again?

Captain Holt: You know, if you can change for an interview, you can change for good.
Hitchcock: Nah, too much work.
Sergeant Jeffords: But that's not how "My Fair Lady" ends. Eliza Doolittle doesn't go back to her old life. She falls in love with Henry Higgins.
Hitchcock: Well, "My Bare Lady," is a little different. It's not Eliza Doolittle and Henry Higgins. It's Eliza DooEverybody and Leroy Pipe. And in the end, they rub-
Captain Holt: Nope. We don't need a recap. Thank you for your help today.
Hitchcock: Anytime, Captain.

Rosa: You cheated.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? I didn't cheat.
Rosa: I bet every slip in there says Terry.
Hitchcock: He filled it full of fake people. Who the hell is Norm?
Rosa: That's Scully's first name.
Hitchcock: It is?

Rosa: I'll start. Never have I ever flashed a bartender to get a free drink.
*Hitchcock and Scully take a drink*
Gina: You guys know how the game works, right? You drink if you have done it.
Hitchcock: Oh. We understand.

Sergeant Jeffords: You were so professional.
Hitchcock: I know. I didn't even fart once. You're right. I can hold it.

Jake: Hey, you guys came.
What about all the paperwork?
Amy: We got it all in. Filed 900 forms by hand in under 12 hours. It was tough, but worth it.
We wouldn't have missed this.
Charles: Also, we had to go to the ER anyway. Hitchcock's arm was mangled by the tube.
Hitchcock: I'm in unspeakable pain.

Jake: Congratulations, Hitchcock, it's the first wedding I've ever been to with a cover charge.
Hitchcock: It's for our honeymoon. We're going to Barbados, and we'll have the island all to ourselves, because it's Dengue Fever season.
Amy: But your wife is pregnant.
Hitchcock: You can't live in fear. Don't want to spend every moment worried about Dengue or black mold or those weird spots on the MRI they found on your brain.
Amy: Hitchcock, is your brain okay?
Hitchcock: The point is: I don't care.

Hitchcock: Oh, if you want calm, there's some ludes in evidence, if anybody would ever let me get them out.

Jake: Scully and Hitchcock, I'm just gonna call you your real names so you don't get confused.
Scully: Smart.
Hitchcock: (Confused) What?

Amy: Wait. This is good. There was a witness who saw everything. Identified the thief, they even described the getaway car down to a dent in the right bumper. We're golden.
Rosa: Yeah, but Hitchcock and Scully forgot to write down the witness' name or contact info.
Amy: What? No, that's insane. Even they wouldn't do something that dumb.
[later:]
Hitchcock: Dumb? Excuse me. I don't need this crap. I could be on the beach in Figi right now.

Jake: Who do you think it's gonna be?
Sergeant Jeffords: I've no idea.
Hitchcock: I bet it's me. I just hope I'm ready.