Hitchcock: Hello. Blessed be the fruit, baby.
Rosa: Hitchcock, you watch that show?
Hitchcock: Watch what? That's my pickup line.

Hitchcock: I just want walk up to the hot dog stand out front and get a fresh wiener.
Scully: Oh, man. Why did you say that? Now I want one.
Rosa: So you should go get one.
Scully: Oh, and let you win? You're just trying to get us to stand up.
Rosa: No. We should all go get one in our chairs.
Hitchcock: She's right. The only thing holding us back is society.

Amy: It's crazy how different things were when McGintley was Captain. It was like the Wild West.
Jake: Oh, yeah, we had some fun.
Amy: I didn't. In every one of those photos, I look uptight and worried. Meanwhile, everyone else looks like they're having the time of their life.
Hitchcock: That's because they're all stress-free, not like us Type A's.

Scully: Sarge, Hitchcock and I just uncovered something huge.
Sergeant Jeffords: You solved a crime?
Hitchcock: What? That's insane, no.

Scully: It's about our nap room.
Hitchcock: Guess how long Gina's been pumping for?
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't want to-
Scully: The last hour.
Hitchcock: Now, everyone knows Gina's using a Nodella Harmony Breastpump with 2-Phase Expression Technology for faster milk expression.
Sergeant Jeffords: You shouldn't know so much about breastpumps, Hitchcock.

Rosa: They said Seamus' girlfriend Nikki works in a hair salon in Bay Ridge.
Charles: Nice, classic mistress job.
Hitchcock: Hey, my girlfriend's a hairdresser!
Charles: And you cheated on your ex-wife with her.
Hitchcock: Checkmate. Well played.

Captain Holt: Here's our list of words to avoid: Chick, foxy, Jew, throb.
Hitchcock: Is grundle on the table?
Captain Holt: No, it's not on the table.

Captain Holt: You look incredible.
Hitchcock: You bet I do. These pants really flatter my dong. What? Dong wasn't on the list.

Scully: I need this car too. I'm sick of riding my Vespa to work every day.
Hitchcock: Well, being on the seat behind you is no picnic either.

Scully: Oh, is that the wedding dress from the Erica Somerfield 2018 fall collection?
Hitchcock: No way, the bodice is totally different.
Rosa: Why do you two know so much about wedding dresses?
Hitchcock: They're the only thing you can look at around here with safe search on!

Charles: When Holt's not looking, I'll sneak into the office and answer the phone when the armory calls asking for approval, fooling them with my spot-on Holt impression. "I'm Captain Holt."
Jake: Yeah, I don't know, something feels off.
Hitchcock: He sounds too white. Here's how you do it-
Jake: No, no, that's okay!

Hitchcock: Oh, I miss that toupee. You know it was a reversible?

Jake: We can't wait that long. Our little cookie faces are already melting. We look like a couple of Slimers.
Scully: Yeah, those cookies are definitely ruined. I'll take them off your hands.
Hitchcock: You're a good person, Scully.

Sergeant Jeffords: Who's with me? Great, Hitchcock's in. Who else?
Hitchcock: I actually had a question. How mad would everyone be if I just bailed?

Jake: It will be secured with this brand-new lock. Hitchcock, if you would do the honors.
Hitchcock: There you are. You can have that back in three-
Jake: Nope, don't ever need it back.