Jake: If you have nothing to hide, then I'm sure you won't mind me asking Hitchcock and Scully to keep an eye on you.
Sergeant Jeffords: Whatever.
Hitchcock: My eyes will be glued to that ass.

Scully: What is this?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's a jack-o'-lantern. Don't touch it.
Hitchcock: Why not? Because you're hiding something in there?
Sergeant Jeffords: Because my daughters made it and your palms are all black. What have you been touching?
Hitchcock: Huh! Well, this has got me stumped.

Sergeant Jeffords: For the last time, I don't know. I've been working here the whole time. Ask them.
Scully: Well, actually, we both fell asleep.
Hitchcock: And Jeffords never woke us up. Coincidence?

Amy: Scully, Hitchcock, bring the frost. [they unleash fire extinguishers on Rosa, Charles, Jeffords and Holt] Nice job, you two.
Hitchcock: We are nailing it today!

Jake: Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to answer and age-old question.
Hitchcock: Right, what's Amy's deal? She single?
Jake: No, we're dating. Come on.

Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, Hitchcock, lose the chocolate fountain.
Scully: What are we supposed to dip our strawberries in? Our nacho cheese fountain? That's crazy.
Hitchcock: Unless ... [dipping a strawberry in the cheese fountain and eating it] Sarge, you beautiful bastard!

Charles: You guys thought you could keep a secret from me? Well, I know everything. Hitchcock left his phone in the bathroom again, and guess what I found on it.
Hitchcock: I needed the cash. I didn't know they'd be filming.

Rosa: How is that possible?
Sergeant Jeffords: He's been here 20 years longer than me, and New York City in the '80s was basically "The Purge."
Hitchcock: I always knew I was the best cop in the Nine-Nine, and now there's proof. [puts his foot on his desk, landing on a plate of spaghetti] Oh, man! My pasghetti!

Scully: Hey, Jakey. Yeah, I'd love to chat, but I can't. Hitchcock and I are eating cake for dinner and watching a movie.
Hitchcock: Ask Amy if she wants to come over.
Jake: I'm hanging up.

Rosa: So we tried to put everything back the way it was. We want your seal of approval.
Hitchcock: Oh, we'll be the judge of that.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, that's what we're asking for.

Captain Holt: Has anyone seen Diaz? She's supposed be looking into the first two bank robberies.
Hitchcock: I saw her outside the courthouse. She gave me her jacket and her motorcycle helmet.
Captain Holt: Why would she give you her favorite jacket?
Hitchcock: Because I'm a rebel, and we're in love. Doi.

Charles: No, we're thinking of adopting again. We just got an email from Nikolaj's 15-year-old brother in Latvia that he's never met. Yeah, his name is Dragomir.
Jake: Oh, my God. That is a 42-year-old fur trapper.
Charles: What? You don't see the resemblance?
Jake: Yeah, to Matisyahu.

Jake: All right, here's the way I see it. We gotta break out the back entrance and get these people to the van. Okay, everyone, just follow my lead.
Scully: No, we got you into this mess. We'll get you out of it. Follow our lead.
Charles: There are armed men out there. We don't even have our bulletproof vests.
Scully: We can use the slut sauce.
Jake: That's insane. It's not even solid. The bullets will go right through it.
Scully: If you don't think the slut sauce is solid, then you might want to talk to my rock-hard arteries.
Hitchcock: We're doing this, and that's final. Scully, it's time to sauce up.

Captain Holt: Are you guys okay? Did you get hit?
Scully: No. It hit the tub, but the bullet didn't make it through.
Jake: The slut sauce it saved you.
Hitchcock: You bet your nips it did, skid mark.
Jake: Oh, Hitchcock. You suck, man.

Jake: Which once again begs the question, what happened to those guys? I mean, when did it all fall apart?
[cut to young Hitchcock and Scully at Wing Slutz]
Young Scully: Hey, Donna, just want to make sure you're okay here working at Wing Slutz.
Young Marissa Costa: Yeah. It's a good job, and I'm excited about my new life. Thanks.
Young Scully: Our pleas. Well, we're gonna go hit the gym for the second time today.
Young Marissa Costa: Wait. You need some protein to fuel those hard bodies. It's on me.
Young Hitchcock: Ah, what the heck. One wing can't hurt.
[Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" playing]