Scully: Pretty sure it's a guy eating a sandwich. I'll prove it to you.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm not buying you any more sandwiches, Scully.
Scully: I'm doing this for us!
Hitchcock: Guys, we can't fight. That's what the Horndog wants.

Captain Holt: So did you hear? Someone guessed the sound. It was a bag of chips.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow. So the lesson here is to listen to Hitchcock and Scully more?
Scully: No, that can't be possible.
Hitchcock: Yeah, I don't think we earned that today.

Jake: Hey, does anyone have a contact at Ellis Island?
Sergeant Jeffords: Ellis Island? What's going on?
Jake: I'm trying to secure a cool venue for Gina's going away party, Gina-rama.
Hitchcock: Oh, that invitation said "Geena-rama" not "Gyna-rama." I thought it was weird they'd move Gyna-rama from Tampa. It's really a warm weather event.

Scully: Hey, we heard there's a hot dog in here.
Rosa: No. Jake lied for no reason.
Hitchcock: That son of a bitch!

Sergeant Jeffords: I hope they take that container of bugs with them when they go.
Rosa: Wait. The container's here? I have an idea. All I need is some blood.
Hitchcock: This is fresh.
Rosa: Oh. Terrible, yet perfect.

Hitchcock: Here's the big one: just lie flat on your back. Women love to do all the work.
Amy: Ugh.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's very incorrect, and I don't need sex tips.

Hitchcock: [answering the phone] Go for Hitch.
Captain Holt: Hitchcock, damn it. I meant to call Peralta. We're in the middle of a crisis.
Hitchcock: Oh, no. Is it the lasagna?
Captain Holt: The what?
Hitchcock: Don't play dumb with me, Raymond. What's wrong with the lasagna?
Captain Holt: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Scully: What is it? What's wrong with the lasagna? Is it bubbling over?
Hitchcock: He won't tell me.
Scully: Captain, give us the damned information. Is it bubbling over?
Captain Holt: I don't have time for these shenanigans.

Scully: What's the problem?
Hitchcock: He wouldn't say.
Scully: Oh, no. Then it must be bad. Call Jake. He'll tell us the truth.
Jake: [answering the phone] Hitchcock?
Hitchcock: Give it to us straight, man. What's going on?
Jake: Uh, just searching the first floor.
Hitchcock: [to Scully] Searching the first floor?
Scully: Why is the lasagna on the first floor?
Hitchcock: [to Jake] Why is the lasagna on the first floor?
Jake: What? Are you talking about? The lasagna is fine.
Hitchcock: Oh, thank God. [to Scully] He says it's fine.
Scully: Oh, you're a saint, Jakey. I love you.
Jake: Okay. Holt's texting me. Love you, too.

Scully: Time check.
Hitchcock: Five minutes, ten seconds.
Scully: It's over.
Hitchcock: Don't say that.
Scully: We'll never get the garlic bread toasted in time.
Hitchcock: We can, and we will.
Scully: How?
Hitchcock: We'll set the oven to 500.
Scully: Are you insane? It'll burn.
Hitchcock: We'll wrap it in foil.
Scully: The foil will stick to the cheese.
Hitchcock: That's a risk we'll have to take.

Scully: What are we gonna do? It's still frozen in the middle!
Hitchcock: Well, then turn up the temp.
Scully: It's already at 500. It's maxed out.
Hitchcock: Then set the mother[bleep] to broil.

Sergeant Knox: Nobody has to get hurt. Just put your guns down, and put your hands in the air. [to Hitchcock & Scully] Hey! I said put your guns down, and get your hands in the air.
Scully: The bread, it's gonna burn.
Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, do what he says. I'll buy you all the garlic bread you want.
Hitchcock: We're gonna hold you to that, Sarge.

Jake: Guys. I have a great idea for a prank. Before Holt comes in, I'm gonna put ink on the podium where he puts his hands.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't think he'll fall for that.
Hitchcock: I did.
Jake: How? I haven't even opened this yet.
Hitchcock: I guess it's unrelated.

Amy: Does anyone have a good lawyer?
Hitchcock: I got a divorce guy, an alimony guy, a slip and fall guy, a pizza's too hot guy.

Hitchcock: Peralta, how about we make these games a little more exciting with a wager?
Jake: Ooh, interesting. What'd you have in mind?
Hitchcock: If you win, I'll do your paperwork for a year.
Jake: Go on.
Hitchcock: If I win, I get your new car.
Amy: You're joking, right?
Hitchcock: Why? Because you can't imagine someone bitchin' like me driving a lame family sedan?
Amy: No, because Jake would never bet our car.
Jake: Yeah, I would never do that. But also, it's not lame. It's the color of an alcohol. Everyone's talking about it.
Hitchcock: No, Jake, it's a super lame car. But I don't mind. My ex-step-son kicked me out of the house, and I need a place to crash with air conditioning.

Jake: Why aren't you hiding? Are you quitting?
Hitchcock: Oh, no, quite the opposite. This little guy keeps Scully's liver from imploding, but it has a neat side effect. It also masks your natural odor and makes you smell like a dead fish.
Amy: Ew.
Hitchcock: Who's got two stinky thumbs that stink like rotten salmon? This stinky guy.
Jake: You suck.