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Quote from the episode The Apartment

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Quote from the episode Mr. Santiago

Jake: Well, I am ready for this. I pulled a full Amy and researched the crap out of him. Made this sweet binder. Just a couple of factoids about Victor: He's an ex-cop, 65 years old, married for 36 years, Cuban, his favorite food, Flavor First beefy dog food. Wait, no, sorry. That's his dog's favorite food. His favorite food is corn. Makes more sense. Dog food's not in the name.

Quote from the episode The Mattress

Captain Holt: Peralta, have a seat. I believe this might help. When Kevin and I first started dating, he taught at a small college upstate. It was two hours away by train or bus, but only 30 minutes by car.
Jake: Is this another one of your riddles? You rode to work on his shoulders. One set of footprints.
No?

Quote from the episode The Mattress

Jake: Amy Santiago, I want to change mattresses for you.
Amy: That's the best thing I've ever heard.
Jake: I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner. I think I was just scared that you were gonna realize you're way better than me.

Quote from the episode The Mattress

Jake: Holy Moses! That is much too much money.
Amy: Well, you spent twice that for Mr. Met to come to your birthday party.
Jake: Yeah, and it was worth it. Mr. Met used my bathroom. Number two. That's a memory I will cherish forever.

Quote from the episode The Mattress

Amy: I think it's cute. You're like an idealistic grad student.
Jake: Ah, you like that? You want me to tell you about the time that I backpacked through the Netherlands?
Amy: Ooh, did you fold all your stuff up really small to fit into one carry-on?
Jake: Is that what you want me to have done?

Quote from the episode The Mattress

Amy: He said he'll point him out to us. So you approach on foot from the south, and me and Devon will be in an unmarked car here.
Jake: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. "Me and Devon"? Didn't you mean "Devon and I"?
Amy: Oh, God.
Jake: I corrected your grammar! Are you so proud of me? Are you horrified? Are you super horny?

Quote from the episode New Captain

Seth Dozerman: According to your Dozer-pad, four of your colleagues have been gathered around your desk for the last ninety seconds. Also, someone named Norm Scully has been in the bathroom for the last seventy-two minutes.
Jake: Oh, yeah, that means he's about half way.

Quote from the episode New Captain

Jake: You also got a hair cut. At some point in your life, I'm sure. That's not your baby hair. That would be crazy.

Quote from the episode Det. Dave Majors

Jake: I'm sure she's busy tonight anyway. Taxes are due in eight months.
Detective Dave Majors: Actually, they were due two weeks ago.
Jake: Well, that is a horrible surprise.

Quote from the episode Charges and Specs

Jake: I don't know what's gonna happen on this assignment, and if something bad goes down, I think I'd be pissed at myself if I didn't say this. I kinda wish something could happen, between us, romantic styles.

Quote from the episode The Bet

Amy: Do I really have to wear this all night?
Jake: You know the rules. The date starts now and ends at midnight. I decide what you wear, what you eat, and where we go. Oh, and there is one more rule. No matter what happens, you're not allowed to fall in love with me.
Amy: Won't be a problem.

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Amy: Captain, Lieutenant, the dance was great, and it really helped, thank you.
Jake: Dance? What dance?
Captain Holt: She doesn't know what she's talking about. Mommy brain much?
Sergeant Jeffords: Captain Holt and I did a hip-hop dance routine.
Jake: Oh. I see. You know what? I don't even care that I missed it, because right now, I am holding my son, and there's nothing more important in the world than that.
Rosa: I have a video, if you wanna see it.
Jake: Amy, hold this baby. Rosa, give me that phone. Give me that phone. Everyone wash your hands.

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Jake: [sighs] Are we gonna be okay at this? I mean, this entire day felt like a warning from the universe. I almost missed the birth, we had our baby at the precinct, a firefighter touched our child.
Amy: You washed him off?
Jake: Yeah, but I'll always know.
Amy: Babe, we talked about this. Everyone balances work and kids.
Jake: Yeah, but everyone's not a cop.
Amy: True, but... when our son wants to hear about the day he was born, we get to tell him that his dad helped a bunch of people and foiled a bank robbery.
Jake: Guess that was kind of cool. [laughs] And his mom managed a city-wide emergency while actually giving birth.
Amy: [sighs] I'm proud for our son to have you as a dad.
Jake: Me too. For you to be the mom. I wasn't just agreeing with the nice thing you said about me.
Amy: I love you.
Jake: Love you too.

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Jake: [on the phone] You're giving birth at the precinct? Is that safe?
Amy: It's gonna be okay. There's a bunch of firefighters here.
Jake: Right, and they're basically just glorified EMTs that live together and sleep in bunk beds.

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