Amy: The resort is called Posadita Bonita. And it's in Mexico.
Jake: Great food, great beaches, and when I saw "Ay caramba" there, I'll fit right in.
Rosa: I don't think so.

Amy: It's super intimate and super fancy. And when we're there, there's only one rule.
Jake and Amy: A.B.C.
Jake: Always be coconuting. At all times, we will either be drinking from, eating, or wearing a coconut.

Jake: Okay, so we can get away from Holt. I mean, should we tell him to leave, that he's ruining our honeymoon?
Amy: No, we can't. That would crush him, and he's already so crushed. Wait, I got it.
Jake: We kill Holt.
Amy: No.
Jake: No, that was crazy for a multitude of reasons.

Captain Holt: The point is that I am glad you invited me into your frivolous activities. You helped me to remember there's more to life than the NYPD.
Amy: Wow, that's great to hear, sir.
Captain Holt: I feel a lot better. I think I may be heading home. Unless you need a third for tonight's activities.
Jake: What are we-
Amy: Sensual pottery.
Jake: I think we're good.

Jake: No offense, guys, but what the hell happened to you?
Scully: Are you body shaming us?
Jake: No, I'm personality-shaming you. You were so alert and cool and job-doing.

Jake: Well, people are complicated. These two contain ... multitudes.

Amy: Are we the bad guys here?
Jake: Yeah, it seems very likely.

Jake: Pam, what are we talking about here?
Pam: I'm sorry. I'm really nervous.
Jake: Wait, wait, wait, wait! I know it probably feels like you don't have a lot of options right now. In fact, this whole situation probably feels like like a twisted bowel, but it's not. There's still one end of this bowel that's open.
Pam: Which end?
Jake: The butt end.
Pam: I'm listening.

Caleb: Oh, hey, guys, what's up? You want to join our a cappella jam circle?
Jake: Oh, no.
Caleb: Are you guys Harry Potter fans?
Jake: I do not like where this is going.
Caleb: Three, four.
Singer: Won't you come visit Hogwarts? I'll be alone, dancing in Gryffindor Harry is the best at the spells And as for potions, Hermione does well-
Jake: This is actually pretty funny. You got to know Harry Potter.

Captain Holt: Commissioner Kelly is breathing down my neck. I need this case handled professionally and maturely.
Jake: Name one time I haven't acted professionally.
Captain Holt: You're holding a juice box.
Jake: It stops me from spilling my juice.

Amy: Look, I know it isn't easy, but this could increase our chances of getting pregnant by 19% a month.
Jake: Yeah, of course. Absolutely. So how do we get it started: Dim the lights, put on some music?
Amy: Swallow 35 vitamins each.
Jake: Oh. Cheers.
Amy: Oh.
Jake: [mouth full of pills] Let's make a baby! [pills fall from Jake's mouth] I probably should have had some water ready.

Jake: [in German accent] Attention, everyone. Stop what you are doing. [normally] Eh, still a little Nazi. I'm gonna just drop the accent.

Man: [disguised voice] Pick up the book on the bench and head south.
Jake: He hung up. And he had me pick up a copy of "The Tempest."
Kevin: "Tempest?" Oh, no, Raymond. Do you know what's happening in the park today?
Captain Holt: The Shakespeare Festival which will be attended by...
Jake: Guys, I'm in a sea of Kevins.

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, the picnic. It attracted bees!
Jake: Ack. Oh. Oh, God, they're everywhere! [screams] Get away! Quick, everyone form a wall around me!
Kevin: Peralta.
Jake: I'm sorry, Kevin. It's just I'm very allergic. If I get stung, I have a terrible reaction.
Kevin: Kind of like this?
Jake: Oh, my... No, that's much worse, I just get a scratchy throat. Why didn't you cower behind someone?

Jake: Well, I got to say, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. The football game's not on so I can still watch it later at home, and it's kind of cool to visit a time before electricity was invented.