Jake: So, Holt won't tell me if someone happened at home because I'm not his husband. But you know who is his husband?
Gina: His husband?
Jake: His husband. I was just a little slow.

Jake: It's a safe house, son. You've been protected.

Rosa: Anyway, he said he wants to speak to "John or Jack Peralta or whatever."
Jake: What does he want with me? Should I change my name to Jack Peralta? That sounds badass. Jack Peralta, crocodile hunter.

Jake: He's just a big 'ole angel. He's been so good to ... the whites.

Jake: Captain, hey. You're looking stoic today. Like a wise, old oak.

Jake: No. He did it doing something he's embarrassed by. Like smiling. Only question is how do you hurt your arm smiling.

Sergeant Jeffords: Anybody else? This is your last chance.
Gina: Ugh, God, no need to be so testes.
Rosa: Guess you won't be manning the tip line.
Charles: Sergeant, is this gonna go on your Spermanent record.
Jake: Now playing, Scrotal Recall.

Sergeant Jeffords: You already have a case, Peralta. I assigned it to you this morning.
Jake: That was just some kid with a little bit of pot on him. Meanwhile, Chris Rock is tied up in his basement calling out for my help, and you're standing in my way.

Jake: Oh, Captain. I would like a $40 gift card to any restaurant that serves nachos.
Captain Holt: I don't have you, Peralta.
Jake: Not only do I know that you do indeed have me, but I also know who everyone else has.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not possible.
Jake: Perhaps not for an ordinary man such as yourself, Jeffords. But for the brilliant mind of Detective Sherlock Peralta - I legally changed my name - it's quite simply elementary. For, you see, Amy made a face I only recognized from our bedroom, which means that she has Captain Holt. Charles has Terry. His eyes keep shifting over to him.
Charles: No, I don't.
Jake: Terry looked disgusted, which means he has Hitchcock. Rosa didn't draw a name, nor did she put one in. She doesn't wanna participate.
Rosa: Never do.
Jake: Hitchcock moves his mouth when he reads and he quite clearly said Charles.
Hitchcock: I did get Charles.
Jake: Scully has Amy. He's hold his paper name-side out.
Scully: Oh, he's good.
Jake: And I have Scully, which means Captain Holt has me. I'll be taking that gift card. Daddy loves nachos.
Captain Holt: Should we draw the names again and leave Jake out?
All: Yeah!
Jake: No! Sherlock wants a present!

Jake: Anyways, I'm gonna head to the bathroom for the duration of one conversation.
Rosa: No! Uh, guys, I have something I need to tell you.
Julia Diaz: What is it, honey?
Rosa: Uhh, Jake, you take it.
Jake: Seriously? Me? Oh, man, now I really do have to go to the bathroom.
Oscar Diaz: What, you didn't before? You lied?
Jake: You know, Oscar, most people just ignore my nervous rambling.

Rosa: Can we just pretend to be a couple for tonight? And then I'll tell them in a few weeks that we broke up.
Jake: Fine, but I have one rule. Hands off my butt.
Rosa: That's not gonna be a problem.
Jake: Well, you say that now but you're about to enter the Jake Peralta boyfriend experience. It can be quite intoxicating.
Rosa: Also, you sat on a meatball.
Jake: Did I? Oh, man, these are my Friday jeans.

Charles: [on the phone] If he isn't taking his medicine, you could mix it in with his food.
Jake: [hanging up the phone with his walking stick] Sorry, you can deal with your sick dog later, Boyle.
Charles: Well, actually, that was about my son, Nikolaj. He's got allergies. I think we may have to go with a nasal douche.
Jake: Ah, nasal douche. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Very gross.

Jake: A couple of quick announcements. First, I met our night janitor, Ronald. If any of you are missing hand sanitizer: he drank it!

Jake: Just promise me you won't use the condoms in the secret pocket of your purse, okay? They're expired.
Amy: How do you know what's in my purse?
Jake: I needed concealer for a zit!

Jake: Why do we have to dress up for Thanksgiving? I don't even celebrate that stuff. The whole holiday is based on over-eating. We should be wearing velvet track suits and diapers.