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Quote from the episode The Puzzle Master

Jake: Wow, a whole crowd full of puzzlers. Gotta be honest, I'm a little disappointed no one's wearing a green suit covered in question marks.
Amy: That guy has crossword puzzle pants. Does that scratch your itch?
Jake: Very much so, thanks.

Quote from the episode The Puzzle Master

Jake: What's Sammy up to?
Charles: Well, he just sat down on the plaza.
Jake: Okay, he's opening up his backpack and pulling out what appears to be a thermos. Possibly containing some sort of accelerant-like gasoline.
Charles: Yup.
Jake: No, he's eating it with a spoon. It's soup, he's eating soup.
Charles: Well, maybe he's fueling up for a night of starting fires.
Jake: He just pulled out a lighter! Nope, it's not a lighter. It's a bumblebee PEZ dispenser.

Quote from the episode The Puzzle Master

Amy: But we agreed to do Vin's plan.
Jake: So what? Vin is not a cop. Why do you keep siding with him instead of me? Oh, let me guess, because he was right, and the building was on fire, and he's perfect?

Quote from the episode The Puzzle Master

Jake: Marry me. Marry. Oh, my God, look. The arsonist spelled MAR, but they were going to spell M-A-R-R-Y! Or-
Amy: Conjugate. Conjugate means marry!
Jake: Yes, and who wants to marry Vin?
Both: The lady from the bar!

Quote from the episode Charges and Specs

Jake: I am nationally recognized foxtrotter Dave Blathis and these are my protegés; Rhonda Shawarma and Hank Franklin.

Quote from the episode NutriBoom

Jake: When you should be thinking like a bird. This is Operation: Saving Private Pigeon. On my mark, I will turn on this fan, gently startling our bird due east, into the file box canyon, where he will encounter Charles holding two pot lids.
He'll bang them together, forcing Private Pigeon into the ceiling there and out of the ceiling there, where he will be greeted by scary Rosa holding a scary picture of an owl. Now he's playing our game. He'll veer left, into an upside down garbage can propped up by a hockey stick and connected to a string that Gina is holding. She pulls it, he is trapped, and Terry releases him outside.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry hates birds.
Jake: Okay, little friend. Let's get you home to mama. Oh, God. It flew right into the fan! It's everywhere! There's pigeon everywhere!

Quote from the episode NutriBoom

Jay Chandrasekhar: NutriBoom is a scam and a cult. They've ruined my life.
Charles: Really? You look so happy in the videos.
Jay Chandrasekhar: You'd pretend to be happy too if you knew what they did to me.
Jake: Testicular torture?
Jay Chandrasekhar: Yeah.
Jake: Ohh.

Quote from the episode NutriBoom

Charles: Look, we have reason to believe David Stovelman murdered his wife, Debbie.
Jay Chandrasekhar: Yeah, duh!
Jake: All right, Jay. Try to remain calm, here.
Jay Chandrasekhar: Sorry. I'm just so scarred.
Jake: Right, from the nard torture.

Quote from the episode NutriBoom

Jake: Look, we have evidence that could tie David to his wife's death, but we need your help to get to him.
Jay Chandrasekhar: Yeah, I'll do whatever you want. You have no idea how terrible they are.
Jake: Trust me, I do. They took ten grand from me.
Jay Chandrasekhar: Boo-hoo, they kidnapped my dog.
Jake: Okay, well, no need to compare stakes. Although I doubt your dog cost $10,000.
Jay Chandrasekhar: You can't put a price on life.
Jake: You're absolutely right. Thank you so much for your help, sir.

Quote from the episode NutriBoom

Jake: I'm going to the Feds, and you're going down. Also, can you tell us how to get out of here? This place is a real maze.

Quote from the episode DFW

Amy: Right, but the only thing I don't get is why they would handcuff you for vaping.
Kate Peralta: Because they're the worst!
Jake: Yeah, Amy, 'cause they're the worst.
Kate Peralta: Also, I slapped a stewardess, real hard. With my fist.
Jake: Oh. So they were not the worst.

Quote from the episode DFW

Jake: It's so crazy that we're finally meeting each other. So just forget about the plane. That's ancient history.
Kate Peralta: Really?
Jake: Yes. This trip was about us getting to know each other, so let's do that.
Kate Peralta: Okay.
Jake: What's your favorite scene in "Die Hard"?
Kate Peralta: Die what?
Jake: It's okay.
Amy: It's okay.

Quote from the episode DFW

Jake: Okay, that is nothing. The one parent-teacher conference my dad went to, he had sex with my teacher on top of the diorama I made of the first Thanksgiving.
Amy: Oh, no, he ruined all your hard work.
Jake: Oh, not really, it was just a bunch of Smurfs on a plate.

Quote from the episode DFW

Kate Peralta: Well, 55 minutes in the shower and that silver paint - will not come off.
Jake: Gross.

Quote from the episode DFW

Jake: Kate, you didn't tell us how handsome Kurt is. I love your ... jean shorts.

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