Trudy Judy: All right, Dallas is creepy and paranoid, and he really freaked me out that last time. I don't want to go in alone.
Doug Judy: Don't worry, kid. I'll be there right next to you, as always.
Jake: Aw. Sarge, why don't you say stuff like that to me?

Jake: Guys, we don't have time to figure out what suspenders are for, all right?

Trudy Judy: I just want to thank you guys so much for helping me. I don't deserve your kindness.
Jake: Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. We all make bad decisions when we're younger. I was once in a flash mob.
Trudy Judy: Ew.

Jake: Okay, everyone, to your positions. On my signal. Hold. Hold. Hold. Sorry, I started holding too soon. Let's start over. Hold. Hold.

Jake: Wait, I'm confused. When did you put the bomb in the Ferrari?
Trudy Judy: I didn't do it. Dallas did. And Dallas isn't some criminal I'm afraid of. He's my employee. Say what's up, Dallas.
Dallas: Wassup?
Jake: Named after a city.

Rosa: My girlfriend Jocelyn's been practicing a bunch of different hairstyles on me. She's in cosmetology school.
Jake: Is she ... passing?

Officer Jen: Detectives. The vacuum was running when we got here. Smeared blood across the entire apartment.
Rosa: Is this dope enough for you?
Jake: I mean, it's a bloody robot, Rosa. It's clearly a good start, but it's gonna take more than that to be certified as dope.

Franco McCoy: That's the heat wave. It sped up body decomp. I guess you could say this mystery is straight outta decomp-ton.
Jake: No. Who are you?
Franco McCoy: I'm Franco McCoy. I'm running CSI and forensics. You two must be detectives. I can tell because you look pretty buttoned up.
Jake: We're both wearing leather jackets. And I won this hoodie for eating a big pizza.

Jake: All right, if the heat is causing the smell, why don't we just turn on the air conditioning-
Franco McCoy: Whoa, whoa, whoa! That kind of air flow is gonna kick up all kinds of dust particles. That AC stays off, which means the odor in here? Only gonna get worse. Pro tip: plug your noses. Had this little bad boy custom-made 3-D printed to fit these sweet nosters.
Jake: Are you trying to abbreviate "nostrils"?
Franco McCoy: In CSI, we don't try. [nasally] We do, son.
Jake: Okay. Well, it's been sort of okay meeting you. We're gonna turn our backs and ignore you now.

Rosa: Rock-paper-scissors for who has to talk to the vic's mom.
Jake: Deal. It's a game of chance. How do you always win?
Rosa: You always pick paper.
Jake: That is not true. Here, go again. One more time. All right, one more time. One more time. One more time. One more time. All right, one more time.
One more time. God, this reverse psychology is a bust!

Rosa: You broke the number one rule of dealing with a victim's family member. What were you thinking?
Jake: I don't know. She reminded me of my mom, okay? A single mother crying in the hallway? Those are some of my best childhood memories.

Jake: We'll interview his friends and neighbors and coworkers. Come on. We got this! We're Jake and Rosa!
Franco McCoy: And also Franco.
Jake: You're not a part of this, Franco.
Franco McCoy: Your loss.

Jake: Wow. Moving fast. Meetin' each other's parents.
Rosa: Yeah. Well, I'm meeting hers. I still haven't talked to my mom since coming out, so it's kind of a bummer. I don't really want to talk about this. Can we find a segue?
Jake: What? You can't just say "let's find a segue."
Rosa: I just did.
Jake: Okay.

Rosa: I talked to the neighbors. Our Vic had a party three nights before the murder. I talked to everyone on the guest list. They all have alibis, so I got nothing. How did your interviews go?
Jake: Not great. I talked to his coworkers, friends, and family. No one had a motive. Everyone loved him. The dumb jerk. RIP.

Rosa: Did you promise any of them that you'd find the killer?
Jake: Yes, his aunt. She also reminded me of my mom. Her name was Karen!