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Quote from the episode The Crime Scene

Franco McCoy: That's the heat cookin' the blood rot right out of the floorboards.
Set scent to simmer. Serve over rice.
Jake: Well I hated that.

Quote from the episode The Crime Scene

Rosa: What're you doing?
Jake: Texting my mom. I mean, the vic's mom. I know that it's bad that I said "my mom."
Rosa: It's bad that you're texting her.
Jake: I know

Quote from the episode The Crime Scene

Jake: Ah. Good morning, Rosa. I see you're still going out with Edward Scissorhands.

Quote from the episode The Crime Scene

Captain Holt: Okay, so who is?
Jake: At this time? No one. But we are currently investigating ... no leads.

Quote from the episode The Crime Scene

Jake: Oh, my God, Rosa, come here. Look at the blood spatter. Do you see what I see?
Rosa: Uh, blood.
Jake: In the exact shape of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Pec, pec, delt, delt.Big Samoan tattoo.

Quote from the episode The Crime Scene

Jake: Rosa. I think I just made a connection. The number three is everywhere. Three people. Three types of blood. And guess what the tax was on the veggie wraps? Three dollars. And 19¢, but if you ignore the 19, then it's three!

Quote from the episode The Crime Scene

Rosa: Okay. You've lost your mind.
Jake: What? Who told you that? Was it room?
Rosa: No. It's the fact that you think the room has a voice and also you're working in your boxers!
Jake: To beat the heat, Rosa! To beat the heat! If we can't turn on the AC, that's not crazy, it's just smart.

Quote from the episode The Crime Scene

Rosa: Oh, wow.
Jake: Ah! Hey! Rosa, guess what? There was no hot dog. Who's the lunatic now?
Rosa: Still you, Jake.

Quote from the episode The Crime Scene

Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell is going on in here?
Rosa: Jake's gone insane because he promised the victim's mom he'd solve her son's murder.
Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously? You never promise a victim's relative anything.
Jake: Oh, please. Classic Terry. Mr. Emotionless. Sgt. Cold Heart. The man who bleeds ice.
Rosa: I don't think that rings true.

Quote from the episode The Crime Scene

Jake: Oh, hey, babe.
Amy: [screams] [grunts]
Jake: Ugh! It's me, Jake! I'm just working! What is wrong with you?
Amy: What are you doing? Why do you have a knife? Why am I covered in red Post-its?
Franco McCoy: That's blood. You're the corpse.
Amy: [screams] Jake, who is that?
Franco McCoy: Franco McCoy. CSI.
Jake: He's helping me with the case.
Franco McCoy: For the record, I think it's weird that I'm here too.
Amy: Both of you, get out!
Jake: Yeah, sounds good.
Franco McCoy: Sorry to wake you. Sweet dreams.
Jake: Come on.

Quote from the episode The Crime Scene

Jake: You look like crap. You look like a freshman at an all-women's college.
Rosa: I don't think you're in a position to be offering criticism right now.
Jake: More than fair.

Quote from the episode The Honeypot

Jake: Commence Operation: Nasty. New Assistant Selection Team ... You.
Captain Holt: Operation: New Assistant Selection Team You?
Jake: Yeah, don't worry about it. Everyone will just call it Operation: Nasty.

Quote from the episode The Honeypot

Captain Holt: What is this? Why are we meeting in the bathroom?
Jake: Super cool meeting spot. [Holt sighs] Don't roll your eyes at me, Daria.

Quote from the episode The Honeypot

Jake: Commissioner Kelly sent a spy into our midst. This is happening. We need to talk about our plan.
Captain Holt: Okay, here it is. I'm going to fire him.
Jake: You can't do that. In a movie, when you find out someone's a spy, you don't fire them. You can either have them murdered-
Captain Holt: Not an option.
Jake: Yeah, I know, we're cops. Blah, blah. No one likes this side of you.

Quote from the episode The Honeypot

Captain Holt: The package is headed your way.
Jake: Copy that.
Captain Holt: This better work. I'm debasing myself out here. What must people think?
Jake: Relax. There's literally no other people at this museum.

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