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Quote from the episode The Honeypot

Jake: Here is $100. Pleasure doing business with you.
Yanya: You know, you could have just stolen the bag, and wouldn't have noticed or cared.
Jake: Ugh. Be better, Yanya.
Yanya: Okay.
Jake: Yanya!

Quote from the episode The Honeypot

Gordon Lundt: It feels like you two are the spies based on your disguises, et cetera.
Jake: Nuh-uh. This is who we actually are. A professional basketball player and a guy with a bird friend.

Quote from the episode The Honeypot

Jake: But more importantly, how did it go with Commissioner Kelly?
Captain Holt: I gave him a list of my demands, and he's agreed to back off of vigilant policing.
Jake: Whoa, that's amazing.
Captain Holt: But that's not all. I also got something for the precinct.
Jake: Is it a fighter jet? How did you get a fighter jet? We don't have the budget for that.
Captain Holt: It's not a fighter jet.
Jake: Aw.

Quote from the episode He Said, She Said

Amy: Okay, Ms. Brennan, we've discussed it, and we think you should file charges against Mr. Haggerty for sexual assault. Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, it's a difficult process-
Keri Brennan: Actually, I'm gonna stop you right there. I don't wanna press charges. The firm just offered me $2.5 million if I sign an NDA and let this slide.
Amy: Wait, so you're gonna let Seth get off Scot-free?
Jake: Well, that money would go a long way towards the Scrooge pool. Sorry, ignore me. "DuckTales." Woo-oo.

Quote from the episode He Said, She Said

Amy: We need to get someone on the record about Seth's patterned behaviors.
I think if we start with- How many tiny quiches do you have in your mouth?
Jake: [muffled] Five. I'll swallow them.

Quote from the episode He Said, She Said

Trent: I don't think something like that would happen here. It's an extremely professional workplace, and Seth's a really good guy. I don't think he's even ever bought a prostitute before.
Jake: Is that the minimum requirement for being a good guy these days?
Trent: Can I go? Beefer's birthday's starting and a bunch of Mets are here.
Present day or '86?
Trent: Both.
Jake: I'm gonna escort him back.

Quote from the episode He Said, She Said

Beefer: Hey, I'm Beefer. It's my birthday.
Jake: Yeah, we heard.
Amy: Happy Birthday, Beefer.
Beefer: Beefer's not my real name. They just call me that 'cause I beefed on my first day.
Jake: Okay, but for the record, no one asked.

Quote from the episode He Said, She Said

Albert: That wasn't hush money. That was a benevolent gesture to allow Ms. Brennan to get the professional help she so clearly needs. However, since she has chosen to pursue this matter with the police, that deal is now null and void. Furthermore, we are terminating her.
Jake and Amy: What?
Albert: We have a zero tolerance policy for violence here. And unlike Ms.
Brennan, Mr. Haggerty has actual evidence of an assault.
Seth Haggerty: He's talking about my broken penis.
Jake: Yeah, Seth, we know.

Quote from the episode He Said, She Said

Amy: But I can't find anything. I've read through three years of Seth's emails, and it's mostly inquiries about where he could buy a Batmobile.
Jake: Tah, so stupid, but did he find one? Is it like at a dealership or something? Never mind.

Quote from the episode He Said, She Said

Amy: Wait, where are you going?
Jake: I'm gonna go get you a change of clothes and a coffee. We're not giving up.

Quote from the episode He Said, She Said

Amy: Hey, what if we reach out to all the coworkers again, privately? Maybe they didn't talk to us because we interviewed them in their office.
Jake: I think that's a great idea. I'll be right back. Oh, I'm also gonna grab a comb, but you don't have to use it unless you decide.
Amy: Okay, babe.

Quote from the episode He Said, She Said

Amy: So we're meeting a guy named Steve. He said he couldn't speak openly with us when we met him in the conference room.
Jake: Steve? I don't remember a Steve. Who's Steve?
Beefer: I am.
Jake and Amy: Beefer?
Jake: So your real name is Steve?
Beefer: Yeah, I hate it. Makes me sound like a douche.
Jake: Yeah, Beefer's better.

Quote from the episode He Said, She Said

Beefer: I wanted to show you this text chain between Seth and some of the guys in the office.
Amy: Whoa, Seth describes the night exactly like Keri did. And then he writes "LOLZ, Epic Fail." What's this GIF he sent?
Jake: Oh, that's Kelsey Grammer falling off a stage. [laughs, clears throat]

Quote from the episode He Said, She Said

Beefer: I was really torn about whether or not I should send this to you guys but then I thought about it for a long time and realized it was the right thing to do.
Amy: Oh, who would have guessed Beefer's a secret feminist.
Beefer: No, gross. I meant it was the right thing to do for me.
Jake: Huh?
Beefer: If they fire Seth, I take his job.
Jake: Okay. Well, we got what we needed here. So I think we're gonna leave before you ruin the moment any further.
Beefer: Sweet. I'll send it to ya. Thanks for the promosh, narks.
Jake: [scoffs] You're the nark. [scoffs]
Amy: Let's go.
Jake: Yeah.

Quote from the episode He Said, She Said

Amy: Hey, what's with the boxes? Moving to a better desk?
Jake: With a better butler and more of those mini quiches?

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