Jake: You're out? I'm in the finals? And all I have to do to get Katie's number is beat Amy? Oh, that's nothing. Hey! Don't you dare touch Amy Junior. That's right. It's your baby!
Amy: Are you sayin' I knocked you up?
Jake: You sure did!

Rosa: You spent the whole day flirting with Amy.
Jake: Yeah, we're joking around because we're friends now that I've moved on.
Rosa: Then prove it. Beat Amy and don't flirt with her at all.
Jake: Fine. Easy. But you better tell Katie to clear her schedule out Thursday for a date, 'cause I am working nights until then, and the following weekend, I am out of town. Let's do this!

Rosa: Hey, you gave it a good try. Sorry you lost.
Jake: No. It's for the best. I let Amy win. You're right. I'm not over her.

Jake: Because I know these guys. I know everything about them.
Captain Holt: Well, you're a poor police officer if you don't think people can surprise you.
Jake: Not these people. Here, watch this. I know what everyone's gonna do tonight. It's Thursday, so Gina's gonna leave early to rehearse with her new dance group, Dancy Reagan. They're the first ladies of movement. Amy's gonna be going over her weekly budget. And Charles will be attending a "pizza for one" cooking class.
Charles: Tonight's menu: Pepper-alone-I.
Jake: And if I run and leap at Terry, he will most certainly catch me in his arms. Coming in!
Sergeant Jeffords: No! I'm holding coffee!

Jake: Hey there. Jake Peralta.
Lieutenant Miller: I'm sorry, handshakes are the greatest avenues of germ transmission. I generally prefer simple nods.
Jake: Okay.
Lieutenant Miller: Would you, uh, pass me that hand sanitizer, please?
Jake: Yeah.
Lieutenant Miller: No, no, no! Use your elbows. And keep your nostrils closed. Don't breathe on it. [Jake drops it] Forget it, I'll just use a wipe.
Jake: Smort. Get off dem germs.

Jake: Wow, there's so many fancy buttons on your steering wheel. It's like a spy car, that's cool. Here, let me call her. Yeah. [deep voice] Car, call Gina Linetti.
Amy: What is that voice?
Jake: It's my spy voice. Car, initiate ghost mode.
Amy: That's a seat warmer.
Jake: Oh, that's even better than rockets. My butt gets very cold.

Jake: We should go there anyways. Her phone's probably off 'cause of dance rehearsal. God, this I.A.B. guy is ruining my life. But I do have some good news in three, two- Pocket donut!
Amy: No! [slaps the donut out of Jake's hand] It's everywhere.
Jake: Backup.

Kevin: Raymond, your work life is here. [to Jake] Please, come in. Take off your shoes.
Jake: Neither of us want that.

Jake: But more importantly, what does the "J" stand for? James? John? Jo-Jo?
Captain Holt: My middle name is more important to you than being suspended?
Jake: If it's Jo-Jo? Yes.

Captain Holt: Unfortunately, we don't have any hard proof that they're working together.
Jake: Well, lucky for you, proof is my middle name. And yours is Jared. Juice box. Jellyfish. Jamiroquai!

Jake: That's it. These two oranges are going to the library! Damn it, peeling out, it was right there!

Sergeant Jeffords: We don't have time to take all this in, there's a shooter on the loose! Are you guys gonna be okay working together or not?
Captain Holt: Of course we will, I took an oath to protect this city no matter what my rank. I have no problem with Detective Peralta being my commander.
Jake: And I have no problem commanding him. Here, watch this. Captain, will you please lock down North 3rd Street, if that's okay with you, Captain?
Captain Holt: It certainly is!
Jake: Impressed?
Sergeant Jeffords: You said "please" and you called him "Captain" twice.
Jake: Yeah, we don't have time for this, Lieutenant. There's a shooter on the loose!

Jake: Officer Holt. I thought I stationed you... not here!
Captain Holt: Right. I'm just here in the plaza looking for, um this!
Jake: A half-eaten box of McNuggets?
Captain Holt: Yup, it's my lunch.
Jake: Uh-huh. And what type of food is a McNugget?
Captain Holt: Some type of a paella?
Jake: You had to know that was a bad guess.
Captain Holt: Well, the point is, I needed my paella and I noticed the sky bridge, so I thought I might be of some help, but I'll just go back and stand next to a piece of police tape and do nothing.

Captain Holt: Detective Peralta! I see you got the man you were looking for.
Jake: With your help, officer! I really couldn't have done it without you.
Captain Holt: No, this was all you. We were in a completely wrong location.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Which was a huge relief to me. Plus, we got a lot of steps in. I'm drowning in foot-fives.
Jake: Well, no need to focus on who was where or what a foot-five is.

Amy: I mean, I was really stressed. This wasn't our plan, and we agreed we'd wait a year and there's so much to do first, and it would've been crazy, right?
Jake: Yeah, it would've been.
Amy: Okay.
Jake: But also might've been kinda cool.
Amy: Honestly? I was secretly bummed when the test came back negative.
Jake: Should we just start trying?
Amy: Seriously?
Jake: Yeah, seriously.
Amy: Okay. Yeah.