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Quote from the episode Game Night

Jake: I'm also gonna go. Are you guys on Venmo? You know what? We'll figure it out later. This isn't the right time.

Quote from the episode Game Night

Jake: Hey, got you coffee.
Rosa: I don't drink coffee. Just herbal tea.
Jake: Oh, that's cool. It only cost me, like, 18 bucks. Brooklyn is a nightmare.

Quote from the episode Game Night

Jake: Hey, do you seriously only have two wine glasses?
Rosa: Yeah. I live alone.
Jake: Well, you're gonna need to get some more, 'cause there's a lot of us here.
Rosa: Thank you for doing this, man.
Jake: Of course. We'll be here every week.

Quote from the episode Serve & Protect

Jake: Lead the way, hombre. Hey, if you name a character after me, that could be his catch phrase.

Quote from the episode Moo Moo

Jake: Okay, we got chocolate-chocolate, chocolate-vanilla, and my personal favorite, a bowl full of cake batter.
Amy: And loads o' movies. Eh?
Lacey: We don't want to do that.
Jake: Uh, maybe you didn't hear us correctly. We've got cake. We've got movies. It's time to party!
Lacey: Is being black bad?
Cagney: We're black. Are we gonna get in trouble like Daddy?
Amy: Jake, can I talk to you for a second?
Jake: Yes, please.

Quote from the episode Gintars

Jake: Now they won't let him go just because I asked them to even though they arrested him just because I asked them to. It's a crazy system. I don't understand it.

Quote from the episode Cinco De Mayo

Jake: Or do you mean Jake's favorite chew toy? [CHUCKLES] Well, thank God no one was around to hear that.

Quote from the episode The Mole

Amy: That's a seat warmer.
Jake: Oh, that's even better than rockets. My butt gets very cold.

Quote from the episode Lockdown

Charles: Very respectful.
Jake: Correct, I am the King of respectfulness, bitches!

Quote from the episode Cheddar

Jake: Oh, let me get that. Try now. Oh, I can't control the locks. Hang on. Try now.
One, two, three. Try now. Try now. Here we come, Cheddar! Try now. Here we come, Cheddar! Try now. Try now. Try now. Here we come, Cheddar! Try now.

Quote from the episode Paranoia

Jake: Oh, same ski mask. That's awkward.

Quote from the episode Paranoia

Jake: Yeah, this guy won't be snitching in heaven. I mean, hell, obviously, he's going to hell. We all are; we're bad guys. Anyway, here's his tongue.

Quote from the episode Paranoia

Adrian Pimento: Right now, they think I'm dead. This is my only chance to get away safe. Jake I need you to tell Rosa that I love her. Okay? Do that for me. Also, tell her this.
Jake: Oh. Oh my. Ew. That is very graphic, Adrian.
Adrian Pimento: Got it?
Jake: I don't think I can say any of that to Rosa.

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Dotty: Excuse me, my apartment is on the seventh floor, and the elevator isn't working. I'm getting cold.
Jake: Well, we're headed back to our precinct. There's emergency power if you want to wait there for the lights to come back on.
Charles: I'll get in back.
Dotty: I'm Dorothy, but my friends call me Dotty. Although these days there are fewer and fewer of them.
Jake: Charles? Uh, this is great, Dotty, but we're kind of in a hurry. My wife just went into labor and I want to get there in time for the birth.
Dotty: Why? The only man in the room should be the doctor.
Jake: Okay.
Dotty: All the dad needs to do is to make the money and have a nice, thick belt for when it's time to teach him a lesson.
Russ: My dad hit me with a belt. Soon as I got big enough, I shot him.
Jake: Wow, what a fun group for this, the most important day of my life.

Quote from the episode The Tattler

Jake: And it worked! I was finally cool, and becoming friends with the most popular kid in school: Brandon Bliss.
Rosa: Dope name; sounds hot.
Jake: He was hot, Rosa.
Gina: For the record, he could barely read.
Jake: He didn't have to read, Gina. He lost his virginity when he was 12 years old.
Gina: Which is horrifying.
Jake: But it wasn't back then! Back then, it was everything.

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