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Quote from the episode Captain Kim

Amy: I don't know. She seemed kind of awesome to me.
Jake: The thing is, she can't be awesome 'cause she's here to replace Holt.
Amy: But she said as soon as his year in uniform is finished she's moving on.
Jake: That's a pretty generous interpretation of what she said, Amy.
[flashback:]
Captain Julie Kim: As soon as his year in uniform is finished, I'll be moving on.
[back:]
Jake: Okay, fine. It's exactly what she said. But she seems like a liar. Someone told me she's a pill-popper.
Captain Holt: Pop-pop.

Quote from the episode Captain Kim

Jake: Will you wake up? That woman is a demon, and it couldn't be more obvious.
Captain Julie Kim: Oh, here you are. I have to say how great it was talking to you all, and I wanted to let you know about a party I'm throwing at my house tomorrow night. Are you interested?
Jake: Oh, well, we will think about it and get back to you.
Captain Julie Kim: Great. Just let me know.
Jake: Great. [to everyone else] And now we dillydally.

Quote from the episode Captain Kim

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, man, I get it. There's no question we've been burned a bunch as squad. But you not giving someone the benefit of the doubt cost us a good captain.
Jake: I know. You're right. Look, I'm really sorry.
Sergeant Jeffords: But your heart was in the right place.
Jake: And I had to pay Captain Kim, like, $3,700 in damages.
Amy: You did what?
Jake: The point is, everyone accepted my apology, Amy, right, Charles?
Charles: You betcha, Jakey.
Jake: See?

Quote from the episode Pimento

Jake: But don't worry. I have a plan that guarantees I'm not gonna tell him. I've cut him out of my life completely.
Amy: That doesn't seem sustainable.
Jake: Yeah, well, so far, it's working and it's foolproof, so-
Charles: Morning! Jake, can I talk to you for a second?
Jake: Mm-hmm.
Charles: I feel like we haven't hung out in forever.
Jake: Oh, is that so? I didn't realize. Is that the case?
Charles: You wanna get a drink after work tonight? I'm dying to tell you about Genevieve's new shampoo. It's edible.
Jake: Oh, wow, that sounds so fun, but I actually can't because I have plans with Ted... Crap. It's a friend of Amy's. The point is, I'm unavailable for a very real reason.

Quote from the episode Pimento

Jake: Wait, maybe you've been getting tattoos to help you remember things, like the guy in "Memento."
Adrian Pimento: Again, haven't seen it.
Jake: No, the tattoos could be clues that you're leaving for yourself. Here, we'll step out. You get undressed and write down everything you see... And you're fully naked.
Adrian Pimento: Hey-oh!
Jake: All right, well, I guess we're looking at 'em together.

Quote from the episode Pimento

Adrian Pimento: What was all that about?
Jake: Oh, I actually really can't tell you. No, wait a minute, you're the only person that I can tell because your brain's broken. Anything I say, you'll just forget.
Adrian Pimento: Well, I guess that's true. Give it to me.
Jake: Amy and I are trying to have a baby.
Adrian Pimento: What? Jake, that's wonderful. Come on, bring it in.
Jake: I'd rather not, but it still feels really nice to talk to someone about it finally. But I'm gonna be a dad. It's so crazy. Hey, don't mention this around Charles.
Adrian Pimento: [shrieks] Where am I?
Jake: Oh, perfect.

Quote from the episode Pimento

Jake: Hey, before Charles gets back, there's a few more secrets I want to say out loud to someone who will immediately forget them.
Adrian Pimento: Give 'em to me.
Jake: In 11th grade, I told everyone I was going to a Megadeth concert, but it was actually Melissa Etheridge, and I loved it. Also, one time, I ate a dog biscuit just to see what it tasted like.
Adrian Pimento: I get it. They're delicious.
Jake: They're not bad.

Quote from the episode Pimento

Jake: I grabbed you a water from the hospital to wash 'em down.
Adrian Pimento: Aw, thanks, Jake. You're gonna make a good dad. I'm so glad you and Amy are taking that step.
Jake: What? How did you- What about your memory reset?
Charles: You and Amy are trying to have a baby and you told Pimento and not me?
Adrian Pimento: They've got a Panera here? Okay, I love their salads exactly as they come.
Jake: Actually, you don't.
Adrian Pimento: Thanks, Jakey. See, you're gonna make a great dad.
Jake: Stop saying that!

Quote from the episode Pimento

Murk: Excuse me, my godson's dad, the crazy guy just ran away.
Jake: Oh, my God, he's gone. Pimento is gone.
Charles: Just like our friendship!
Jake: Come on, Charles.

Quote from the episode Pimento

Charles: Here, take take my hand. I can guide you guys back. Come on, we're a chain. Here we go. Just keep swimming.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, just keep swimming.
Charles: Just keep swimming.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, say it, Jake.
Jake: Just keep swimming.

Quote from the episode Pimento

Jake: Hey, just so you know, the only reason that I've been avoiding you is because I really wanted to tell you what me and Amy have been up to, and I knew the second that I saw you, I would just blurt it out. I always tell you everything. I hated not being able to say anything.
Adrian Pimento: Aw, that's so sweet. Your love for each other is really wonderful. Let's hug. Let's all hug.
Jake: Oh, no, no, no, we're still on the ledge!

Quote from the episode Pimento

Adrian Pimento: Hey, guys, it's me, Adrian Pimento.
Jake: Hey, Pimento, how's it going, bud?
Adrian Pimento: Pretty good, I know where I am, and I know what a table is, so everything's going great.
Jake: Pretty low bar for greatness, but all right.

Quote from the episode The Jimmy Jab Games II

Jake: Squad, today we write a new chapter in the history of the Nine-Nine. And that chapter begins with the word "Jimmy," and ends with the word "Jab."
Rosa: That chapter's only two words long.
Jake: No, there's a lot of words in between. It's a long chapter.

Quote from the episode The Jimmy Jab Games II

Jake: The point is, today we compete against one another in a series of games, and this year's winner receives one day's paid vacation, courtesy of Officer Mark.
Officer Mark: You said you needed that day for a private matter.
Jake: You know what? You shouldn't even be here. Everyone say, "Thank you, Officer Mark. Bye, Officer Mark."
All: Thank you, Officer Mark. Bye, Officer Mark.

Quote from the episode The Jimmy Jab Games II

Jake: Gather up, it's Jimmy Jab time!
Sergeant Jeffords: Ooh, are you doing opening ceremonies?
Jake: Yeah, and you might wanna leave before things get too crazy. A little plausible deniability.
Sergeant Jeffords: Actually, I wanna record 'em. Maybe you can teach other precincts how to throw their own versions to boost morale.
Jake: No, I'm not a teacher. I'm a class clown/bad boy with a heart of gold. Whatever.

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