Jake: I will stop at nothing to get that trophy. I will shoot you all in the face if I have to.
Go team!

Amy: I'm gonna go talk to Rosa. You try think of some sexier words.
Jake: Jesuit. Horticulture. Lamb.

Jake: Checking out my new bed. Great - feels like scoliosis and smells like 10 million butts.

Gina: Jake, you have six massage chairs.
Jake: Well they don't make a massage couch.

Captain Holt: I know you'd all rather be at home binge-watching media content.
Jake: Oh, I just started the second season of Media Content. No spoilers!

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Amy: Sir, I think I speak for all of us when-
Rosa: She doesn't.
Jake: She doesn't.

Jake: I meant the money thing.
Gina: Oh. My first impression is that you have a debilitating spending problem.
Jake: Mmm-hmm.
Gina: You have six massage chairs.
Jake: Well, they don't make a massage couch.

Jake: I didn't wanna do this, but I do know one way we could get the money.
Gina: You'd make a decent prostitute.
Jake: I'd make an amazing prostitute.

Jake: I'm gonna be homeless. A homeless cop. It's like a made-for-TV movie that I will not be able to watch because I won't have a television because I'll be homeless.

Gina: Shall we turn some lights on?
Jake: Trying to save electricity, Gina.
Gina: Your massage chair is on.
Jake: Yeah, I'm poor. I'm not a savage.

Jake: Whoa, whoa. You'd be my landlady? You're Gina. Your lifelong dream is to be on Wife Swap. You call gum the dentist. You think Ray J is a national treasure.

Jake: When did everyone decide to become an adult? I mean, I know you were born in your fifties, but come on.
Amy: Thanks?

Jake: Oh, Canada. Truly the Odie to America's Garfield.

Jake: She has tenure, and also has ten years - times two - older than him.
Rosa: That sucked.
Jake: Yeah.