Jake: A fun safe house is safe safe house.

Jake: A safe house watching safe house is a safe safe house house.

Jake: Hey, when this is all over, we should take a train trip together. Just for fun.

Jake: Wow, I think I really would have gotten along with young Ray Holt.
Captain Holt: Yes, that's why I decided to change everything about my life.

Jake: Okay, I see what you're doing. "Tushie".
Captain Holt: It's touche.
Jake: Well, I'm in charge and I say it's tushie.

Captain Holt: I'd like to text my husband to tell him I'll be coming home late tonight.
Jake: Okay, but for security reasons, I get to craft the message.
Let's start with a pleasant greeting. How about, "Hello, honey".
Captain Holt: You will not craft the message.
Jake: Roger that. Honey's wrong. How about "Hello, husband". "Hello, sir"? You call each other sir?

Jake: It's a safe house, son. You've been protected.

Jake: Woah, woah, woah. Where are you going, Cold Mountain? I changed your codename.
Captain Holt: To use the restroom.
Jake: I'm only asking this for your safety. Is it a number one or a number two?
Your silence indicates number two.

Jake: I am thankful that Thanksgiving only comes once a year. People stuff themselves. And then at midnight, they run to appliance stores and trample each other to death. It's a garbage holiday. (Sobs) I'm sorry, I just get emotional when I talk about how bogus Thanksgiving is.

Jake: I want to do what I do every year. Sit at home, watch football, and eat mayo nut spoonsies.
Those are spoonfuls of mayo sprinkled with peanuts.
Captain Holt: That's revolting.
Jake: Maybe so, but it's what I invented when I was six because my mom was working so I had to make dinner for myself. My sad story trumps your insult. Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!

Jake: Hey there, criminal. It's me, Johnny Law.

Jake: What I'm obsessed with is how you're bungling this investigation. They should write a song about it called Welcome to the Bungle.

Jake: Uh, actually, someone reported they couldn't find your head. But we found it, it was up your butt. You're a fire man, you should know how to treat that burn.

Fire Marshall Boone: Why don't you back off and let New York's Bravest handle it?
Jake: You know they only call you that because New York's Best at Spraying Stuff with Water is too wordy.

Fire Marshall Boone: I'm not letting you onto my crime scene.
Jake: Fine! You know what? You're not invited to our next murder!