Charles: And then, a skywriter's gonnna write Charles loves V. I couldn't afford her full name.
Jake: First of all, Charles loves V means something very specific, and I'm gonna guess not what you're intending. More importantly, you're going Full Boyle.

Jake: But I would argue I am like a beautiful angel of love, who has trouble finding love for himself. Admit that you would see that movie.
Amy: I would.
Jake: Thank you for your honesty.

Jake: All right, let's go over our disguises. I am Herbet Goffleman from San Diego. I came here to stand in the cold outside The Today Show holding a sign with a misspelled word on it.

Jake: I found this, by the way. You wrote Mr. Charles Ludley over a thousand times. Why would you take her last name, Boyle?

Jake: And this beautiful basketball-loving Die Hard fan is tearing down my walls of defenses. If we find out that she is half-Jewish, we are all doomed!

Jake: Look, I'm sorry I threw your ring in that boiling pork water.
Charles: Yeah. Sorry I pepper sprayed you.
Jake: I'm sorry I pepper sprayed you. Burned like hell, right? Thank God for that soda.

Jake: Oh, this is turning into a live sex show.
Amy: Yeah, let's go.
Jake: I wasn't saying that in a bad way.
Amy: Jake.
Jake: Although they can't see us.
Amy: Jake!

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Sergeant Jeffords: Everyone here needs some instruction on interacting with grown-ups.
Amy: Sergeant, why am I here? I'm always incredibly appropriate. In high school, I was voted "Most Appropriate."
Jake: Ooh, self burn! Those are rare.

Jake: Hello, good sir, I'd like your finest bottle of wine, please.
Eric: That will be $1,600.
Jake: Great, I'd like your $8-est bottle of wine, please.

Jake: What is going on out there? We can't tell cop stories, Kevin doesn't find me charming, and a native English speaker referred to Captain Holt as "hilarious." I am flummoxed! That's a word I learned for this party, and I am it!

Jake: Aww man. All the orange soda spilt out of my cereal.

Jake: Happy birthday, you sly old fox. How many spankings is it this year?

Captain Holt: I couldn't be happier you're coming.
Jake: And it shows.

Jake: I can't wait to meet Kevin. I assume he's the fun one in the relationship.