Jake: And Amy searched "Daniel Craig Hands + close up". Euck.

Amy: You should talk. You searched for "cheapest date possible".
Jake: And I wear that search like a badge of honor.

Jake: I thought I could handle my brown.
Uhh, I know. I'm sorry. It's gross.

Jimmy Brogan: Well maybe you should learn to handle your brown.
Jake: Eww.

Captain Holt: You look like a corpse we just pulled out of the river.
Jake: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD'd in his own pool. Big difference.

Jake: So good! You can barely even tell it's a chicken embryo.

Jake: That hurt so bad. Let me know when he's gone so I can slide onto the nice, cool floor.

Jake: Oh, my whole body has dry mouth.

Rosa: Why do you care so much about some old reporter?
Jake: Some old reporter? Is the sky just some big blue hat that the world wears?
Rosa: No. And no one has ever thought that.
Jake: My point exactly.

Jake: Distracted? Me? No, sir. Evil would love that. But I'm not giving evil the satisfaction. Not today.

Captain Holt: Every one's tired, Peralta, they just want to go home.
Jake: Yeah, but I have to prove I'm not selfish so I don't care what they want.
That sounded bad.

Captain Holt: Hmm, a poor winner. I never would have guessed.
Jake: Yeah, you would have.

Amy: We got egged. Some of shell got in my contacts, and my hair, and my mouth, and my bra.
Jake: Can't tell if that's hot or not.
Amy: Not hot. Egg shell in my bra is not hot.
Jake: Well, it's kinda hot. Boobs go in a bra.

Jake: (To Holt) You have beautiful eyes.

Jake: You know the medical examiner? I kind of had sex with her last night.
Amy: What?
Jake: Oh, sorry, I forgot who I was talking to. Sex is something that two adults do with their bodies when they're attracted to each other.
Rosa: He's right, Santiago, did you not know that?