Amy: Maybe we could play a game.
Jake: No. No games. My dad gets super competitive. He used to flip out on me when I beat him at Adult Clue. It was the only board game he had at his condo. All the murder weapons were sex toys.

Jake: This is a nightmare. This is worse than my sixth birthday party when I caught my dad making out with a female clown in the bounce house. Oh, my dad is the worst.

Jake: Plus, you gotta admit, your parents were being a little condescending.
Amy: Why? Because they asked what was in the dip that seemed to be just mayo?
Jake: All dip is just mayo.

Jake: And apparently my family's a lot bigger than I thought. How many half sisters did you say I have, Dad?
Roger Peralta: I only told you about the sisters?
Jake: Come on.

Julia Diaz: Don't worry. We know what's happening.
Rosa: You do?
Julia Diaz: Of course. You and Jake are dating.
Oscar Diaz: That's why you were nervous. 'Cause you know I never liked him.
Jake: What? Okay, first of all, that's insane. We've only met once and we totally hit it off. We talked about soccer, I called it futbol. Oh, I see what happened.

Jake: I'm also gonna go. Are you guys on Venmo? You know what? We'll figure it out later. This isn't the right time.

Jake: Hey, got you coffee.
Rosa: I don't drink coffee. Just herbal tea.
Jake: Oh, that's cool. It only cost me, like, 18 bucks. Brooklyn is a nightmare.

Jake: Hey, do you seriously only have two wine glasses?
Rosa: Yeah. I live alone.
Jake: Well, you're gonna need to get some more, 'cause there's a lot of us here.
Rosa: Thank you for doing this, man.
Jake: Of course. We'll be here every week.

Jake: Lead the way, hombre. Hey, if you name a character after me, that could be his catch phrase.

Jake: Okay, we got chocolate-chocolate, chocolate-vanilla, and my personal favorite, a bowl full of cake batter.
Amy: And loads o' movies. Eh?
Lacey: We don't want to do that.
Jake: Uh, maybe you didn't hear us correctly. We've got cake. We've got movies. It's time to party!
Lacey: Is being black bad?
Cagney: We're black. Are we gonna get in trouble like Daddy?
Amy: Jake, can I talk to you for a second?
Jake: Yes, please.

Jake: You don't have a key for this random roof door, do you?

Matthew Langdon: Wait. I'm coming with you.
Jake: You are? You'll testify?
Matthew Langdon: Hawkins has cost me and my wife too many years of happiness. I'm not gonna let her do the same to you.
Amy: Thank you so much.
Matthew Langdon: Well, I'm gonna grab my stuff, and I'll get a few CDs. Hope you like Enya.
Jake: [gasps] Matthew Langdon, you and I are vibing so hard!

Jake: Now they won't let him go just because I asked them to even though they arrested him just because I asked them to. It's a crazy system. I don't understand it.

Jake: Or do you mean Jake's favorite chew toy? [CHUCKLES] Well, thank God no one was around to hear that.

Amy: That's a seat warmer.
Jake: Oh, that's even better than rockets. My butt gets very cold.